My days have been hectic. My days have been busy. My days have been…some of the best ones I’ve lived.

You see me running to work early just so I can have fifteen minutes to just breath. You see me staying in the library or finding some abandoned study room for some quiet time to study. You see me fidgeting with my pens anxiously, running my hand through my hair in frustration, rustling through my papers panicking, and filling this body with more caffeine than it should take.

But, honest, when my friend told me he hasn’t been as happy as he is now when his life is consists of an insanely busy schedule probably built to exhaust a human being the second their eyes open, I didn’t believe him. I thought, how is that even possible?! I watched him come to class late almost every session. I watched him drink cups of coffee each and every time, eat his lunch or dinner during class, and then hurry off to wherever the hell he goes afterwards (no one ever knows because he is always too busy to answer his phone). I mean, honest, how can someone be so, so happy with a life like that?

Then, I saw him standing outside one of the school buildings briefly talking to a small group of friends before our class. He was early, for once. He was smiling and laughing, and I could just feel the happiness in his voice. I saw how his eyes lit up when he laughed, and I couldn’t be any more happy for him.

During that small encounter with him, I was the one rushing around. I was checking off one thing after another that I needed to get done before class started. I was running from one end of campus to the other and back. I was exhausted and I could feel my body yearning for some rest, but I was so happy.

I was being so productive. I was being in-control of my time. It was the best feeling. Usually, I’m not as busy as I was that month. Usually, I have time to watch a show or two during the weekend. But as I got busier and as I watched myself get so much done, despite how much my body screamed for me to stop working, I was proud of myself.

And, in all of that, I had set a side some time for my close friends. Every other day or so I respond to one of my friends and continue our email-like conversation through WhatsApp. Every once in a while, I write and look back at old photographs. Sure, I am not insanely busy as my friend has been for the past two years of his life but I’m managing to live a life that most people wouldn’t volunteer for. And that is great.

I am so proud of my friend, and I’m starting to become proud of myself.

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How do you get over getting told everything that ever meant anything to you during the past several years was a lie? a facade? fake?

Stupid.

Why did I believe them when they said they were my friends? Why did I trust them when they said they cared? Why did I pour my heart out to them when they hated me?

It doesn’t make sense.

Why stay around someone and pretend to be their friend? Why stick by someone’s side and convince them that you are there for them? Why pretend to be genuine and understanding when you complain about them behind their back?

Stupid.

Why did I believe I had a “family” in the friends? Why did I trust that they would forgive me and let me turn over a new leaf? Why did I expect them to see how much I’ve changed?

Stupid.

Why did I hope for our friendships to last? Why did I dream about future plans when they didn’t want anything to do with me? Why did I believe that we would be okay even though they were holding a dagger to my back?

Stupid.

I know I’ve made mistakes. I know it’s been some time.
I know I’ve angered some people. I know true friendship is hard to find.
I know I’ve ruined things. I know a broken plate can’t be mended with the words ‘I’m sorry’.

But…

I know time has passed. I know I’ve grown up a little more.
I know I’m trying my best to do what’s right. I know I’m doing the best I can.
I know I’ve changed from the past. I know I see in a different light.

I believe someone can change, especially when someone else is there to guide them.

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Walk Away???

I reunited with an old classmate I used to love seeing those mornings for class. Her unapologetically honest comments that were always coated with a hint of sugar, and spice, and everything nice, could always bring a little laughter into my heart that semester. I had come from a broken background and carried a shattered heart seeking to heal in peace, for once, away from everything that created drama and heartbreak. Being in that classroom was always a warm fireplace to sit by.

From that same class, I met a strong young man who seemed to know his way. He would always wake up my heart with his sassy and sarcastic attitude. We would bicker and tease each other, and that kind of friendship was exactly what I needed. I prayed to have him stay in my life, and stay he did. It wasn’t until this past month that he vanished from my weekly schedule. It’s a friendship I wish to rekindle and reconnect with but…

I am slowly getting closer to a friend in one of my current classes. He had a brief existence in my schedule during the last summer, and is in a couple of classes that I will be able to help with. I see a great friendship that has potential to burn brightly even despite our busy lives. There is something about him that makes me smile.

A coworker is in my favorite class, right now. Talking to him is priceless and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, right now. Our conversations can always make me laugh and remember what it is to simply live in the moment. He reminds me to have passion in what I do. He reminds me of my passion that has dimmed from my life during the past year, and reminds me that my fire for such a passion will still burn as brightly as I allow it. I love this friendship and pray for it to remain as strong as it was when it began.

A very old classmate from way back when introduced me to one of his close friends as the girl who “disappeared and no one ever heard from again”. That sure caught some eyes. Being around those two, watching as they goof around and spend their time just playing and having fun, reminded me of the part in life I never really got a grasp of; I could never hold onto this aspect of life for long. There was a phrase that they seemed to live by, and that is “for the hell of it”. As stressed as I have been, that is something I miss so, so much now. But is it worth anything?

A year from now, I’m planning to not be in town. A year from now, all these connections and all these friendships might just burn to the ground. A year from now, I have no clue where I am going to be. So, in the end, I don’t know whether sticking around these people and counting on them for anything in future will be wise for such a fragile heart like my own.

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Another’s World

It’s interesting how our minds work. We create different perceptions of the various personas we encounter throughout each and every day of our lives. Whether your thoughts of a person depend on that first impression that halted you from beginning a new friendship, the casual/personal text message you received during a bad time, or the seconds of romantic bliss you experienced, we constantly manipulate the world around us to make sense through all that we see.

Even though we are constantly trying to teach each other to become more aware of one another’s experiences and feelings, we are still ignorant to the fact that what is being seen will change each and every time we choose to change whose eyes we wish to look through. On top of that, a person’s body physically reacts differently as we have different levels of strength to our immune system and different pathways of neurons in which information is processed. We, as in a small group of the entire population that lives on this planet, are always trying to learn about another’s background, another’s story, another’s feelings, in order to have even the slightly glimpse of what life might be like for someone other than ourselves. But, despite how much we may hope or dream, there will never be a day in which we will truly understand what it must be like to “be in someone else’s shoes”. It is simply not possible.

It doesn’t matter how empathic you may be. It doesn’t matter how many years you have known a person. It doesn’t matter how much you put into watching someone change and grow. It doesn’t matter how similar your lives have been for countless of years. It doesn’t matter because, at the end of the day, you cannot change the eyes in which you view life through.

That fact alone feeds our curiosity and will continue to push us to learn more about each other from day to day. We yearn to travel the world, to see the sights we haven’t seen before, to experience another’s culture, to learn about someone else’s heritage and beliefs, to get a sense of what another’s life might feel like. We yearn to be closer to the ones we love, to be there through their every struggle and every spec of happiness, to get right against that boundary between watching another’s life occur and experiencing it ourselves.

Because, in reality, all that we experience simply isn’t enough.

Interest

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Work. Work. Work. Harder.

Throughout the years, I never knew what I was fighting for. I just knew I wanted a better tomorrow. I simply felt like there was more out there, somewhere in the world, that was made for me. I kept looking around myself, at my peers, at my mentors, at my elders, at everyone, and knew we were better than how we were.

Today, I look around at everyone and know, maybe in the back of my mind or clearly as the features on my face, that we are all working towards something both individually and together as a whole. We are working towards a better tomorrow for ourselves, for the ones we love, for the ones who come after us, and therefore for the entire society as a whole. And, one day, we’ll get there.

The girl who is working to forgive herself for the flaws she possesses. The boy who is working towards an easier life for his family. The young lady who is working to raise her son to the be a better man than the one who left her. The young man who is working on breaking the chains his relatives attempt to limit his capabilities with.

The girl who is studying to get an A on that exam. The boy who is limiting his spendings until he has enough for that new car. The young lady who is doing her best to create a better community in which her friends feel more accepted and supported. The young man who is putting in every hour he can in order to have the capabilities to give his wife and child the life they deserve.

The girl who is attempting to forgive herself for the checkered past she remembers all too well. The boy who is trying to figure out what he wants to devote his life to and what he wants to fight for. The young lady who is simply trying to make the pain of both herself and others go away, or at least get better. The young man who is fighting to survive the health issues he has been facing for countless years of his life.

The girl who is trying to break the status quo and follow her heart’s demands and her passion’s fire. The boy who is working on keeping the blade away from himself. The young lady who is trying to bring a little happiness to almost everyone she meets. The young man who is attempting to keep to himself until he gets his own life figured out, in order to lessen the chaos between himself and others.

We are all working towards something. A purpose in life. A curiosity that pries. A passion that continues to burn. A question that remains unanswered. A better tomorrow, than today.

A better tomorrow, for the futures we dream of, the impossibles that we struggle to make possible, the wishes we all yearn for, and the tomorrow we want to live is just around the corner. We just need to continue working, keep trying, and one day we will achieve everything we doubted was even possible in the first place.

Focused

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Narrow Window

You were one of the very few people who intrigued me at work the first days I was there. I knew you were one of the “more experienced”, “more authorized”, or “more knowledgable” folk who have sticked around for some time. You had relationships with the others. You stuck with your group, the ones you knew, and kind of left the newbies (like me) to our own business.

You weren’t upset when asked a question, you never argued when told to help out one of the new recruits, but there was always something about your attitude that told me you had a disdain attitude about it. You were a little isolated at the same time you were connected with the other members of your “group”. It was interesting watching you interact with those who you had to call your co-workers.

When we started talking, something about opportunities I was handed led to pry a little to what could be of a relationship between you and me. Turned out you were taking one of my classes, needed help with a subject I had come to like during my first few years in school, and I could lend you a hand during a time you were struggling a little.

Today, you still intrigue me. There’s something deeper within your light-hearted attitude. There’s something darker within those nonchalant shrugs and half-chuckles.

Out of any of the new recruits you’ve seen come and go at work, I was one of the rare few you’ve ever really interacted with. Out of the hundreds of other students, other peers on campus, I was one of the people you felt like you could trust and build a friendship with. Within the hectic rush of the first several weeks of classes, you were the one person who made me feel as if I could slow down and take a deep breath. Within all the worries and stresses running through my tormented mind, something about you felt stable and slightly secure.

I don’t know if it’s chance or it’s what people call “fate” that we met during the times that we did. I met you right after I got more stable with my own life and what my goals are for the next year or two. You met me right before you made a huge change in course to your plans and your future. We crossed paths at seemingly a very narrow window where both our lives overlapped in the sense that we were changing our lives.

I don’t know if this friendship is going to last, but it’s not a friendship made by coincidence but was made with purpose. It may be a purpose unknown to both of us, but a purpose hides behind the curtains.

Coincidence

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Create. Inspire. Enjoy.

Life, in my mind right now, should always be about creating, inspiring, and enjoying. Take this as you will but I ask you to give what I say more than a second of thought.

We are constantly creating. We strive to create welcoming and accepting environments. We yearn to continue and create new technology and advance our minds in multiple ways. We create new opportunities, if not for ourselves then for the people who come after us. We create countless of moments in our lives, including both the ones we wish to relive and those we wish we never had experienced. Despite whatever we do, we are creating something. If you want the most basic and simplest form of this, then: we are continuously creating carbon dioxide when we inhale oxygen from the air around us.

We are constantly inspiring, as well. No matter whether or not you are aware of it or not, multiple people in your life look up to you to a certain extent; no matter whether or not you are purposefully trying to inspire another human being that is exactly what you do, just by being you. It can be as basic as someone looking up to you because you are kind to everyone you meet. It can be the fact that you are ambitious or passionate with something. It can be anything. Someone around you is looking up to you every single day.

And, lastly, if you are not enjoying life…then what the heck are you doing? If you don’t like something, change it. If you want something/someone, work for it/them. If you are feeling more negative feelings than positive, change the way you see the current events in your life because all it really is, is mindset. Think of that insanely hard class as your opportunity to challenge yourself. Think of that mean boss as a chance for you to be the bigger person and simply remain professional and friendly. Think of the accident you got yourself into as a lesson for your future so you don’t make the same mistake twice. It’s all in the mindset and how much you believe you can grow from what is happening around, and to, you.

Remember,
Create. Inspire. Enjoy.

If you aren’t doing these three things, change something.

https://edmundcelis.com/

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The Girl

The little girl who plays with her Barbie dolls on the hardwood floor in the playroom.

The little girl twirling around in her favorite blue and green dress as her parents take forever to get ready for another office party.

The girl arguing with her mother for the thousandth time over why she does not want to wear her hair up or put any of the pretty little clips in.

The girl getting lectured over not being girly enough, and caring too much about her friends.

The girl who is more excited to help her dad build a fence for the puppies in the back, then she ever was to help her mom make dinner in the kitchen.

The girl who doesn’t have any friends at school, the one who awkwardly hides in her math teacher’s classroom.

The girl practicing her violin as much as she could in the one hour she had in music class.

The girl learning for the first time what it means to have a real friend, someone to talk to, someone to lean on, someone to laugh with.

The girl trying to figure out what she wants to study in college.

The young girl arguing with her mom for the billionth time over why she couldn’t follow her dreams and become a professional writer or photographer.

The young girl trying to learn what it was like to be in a relationship for the first time, and what it is like for a young man to treat her right.

The young girl moving onto to college and saying ‘goodbye’ to her acquaintances, learning to time manage, and struggling through the first semester.

The young girl who feels more broken than whole after a harsh breakup.

The young girl who can’t stop talking about her boyfriend, while wearing his jacket that hangs on her like a dress.

The young girl who studies in the library for hours each day.

The young girl who is trying to figure out where her passions will get her in the future.

None of these girls seem to exist in the same time frame but…in reality, they all do.

Irrelevant

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Break Through

She can’t avoid admitting she’s slipping back into the darkness, but her heart knows it’s a little bit more complex than that. Her mind wonders, her heart seeks to find…something, someone, she will never know until it is found. Maybe it’s someone to care, maybe it’s someone to repair her, maybe it’s…simply a piece of her she had thought she had lost forever.

She knows she needs to look not around but deep inside her for the answers she yearns for. The longer she stays in the empty woods, the more piercing the cold wind seems to be. The little blows at the leaves scar her flesh; the gushes of wind knock the air out of her lungs; the heavy downpour completely disables her. She spends more time trying to recover, more time trying to survive the brutal cuts, more time trying to remain sane than attempting to bathe in the sunlight that shines above the clouds.

She looks up, through the frost and the mist, through the thick leaves and little creatures, through the rain clouds that storm onward, and she prays. She asks, what is the point in all of this because she has yet to understand. She has yet to read the book of knowledge and learn the truth.

She has yet to break through from the flames as the warrior she has always been.

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Seeing you again was feeling a thorn on a rose I just picked. The scent of the scene was pleasant yet when I tried to get closer I discovered the thorn to the rose that I wanted to have once again. Watching the rose drop to the ground even before my brain registered the pain was like watching you walk away from me once more.

Thorny

Sting

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