My heart skipped a beat when my eyes laid on you.
My brain screamed at me to run, to shut you out, to not let you through.
But we both know I’ve never stopped standing at the door.

Vague

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Today, I’m going to promise myself that I’m not going to over-invest myself when I clearly don’t know where I stand. And, even though that is the one thing I despise the most in this world, I will do my best to let it go because if I mattered enough to you then I wouldn’t be questioning who I am to you.

I love you and I want to share my universe with you and have you share your universe with me. I want to be there through the ups and the downs. I want to help you fight your battles and sail through the storms. I want to make memories we’ll tell our kids of one day. But, at some point, I have to let it go.

If you thought I was worth fighting for, you would’ve fought. If you thought I was worth sticking by, you would’ve stayed around. If I’m still in your heart, I’d be on your mind.

My Playlist of Memories

My Playlist of Memories

We all have that set of songs that send us back to memory lane. There are the songs that we shared with a significant other. There are the songs that got us through the tough times. There are the songs that we used to listen on blast, the ones we used to replay until we got sick of the same old lyrics. There are the songs that bring us back to the most blissful moments. There are the songs that bring us tears from the pain we sometimes don’t realize we’re still holding onto. There are the songs who have become a part of who we are.

That’s what I listened to the other day.

Just A Dream by Nelly was a song I first heard through Christina Grimmie’s and Sam Tsui’s cover on youtube before Cristina went big on The Voice. There’s a certain beat to the song that brings me a kind of joy that coexists with strength. So I travel back down that road. Will she come back? No one knows. I realize, it was only just a dream. If you ever love somebody put your hands up. If you ever love somebody put your hands. And now they’re gone and you wishin you could give them everything.

Angel with a Shotgun by The Cab was a song I liked for a while. I really started loving this song when it turned out my ex-something also loved Nightcore’s version of this song. It became our song. It became something that reminded me of him. One time when we were lying in bed he played the song and, in that moment, I truly felt at home. Even though we had a terrible falling out, this song still reminds me of my first love. They say before you start a war you better know what you’re fighting for. Well baby, you are all that I adore. If love is what you need, a soldier I will be. I’m an angel with a shotgun, fighting til’ the wars won. I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back. I’ll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe.

Let Her Go by Passenger is also an all-time favorite that will always touch my heart. Everyone goes through life not truly knowing what to do. We go through trails of guess and ‘hope it’s right’ as if we’re still middle school kids taking a test on material we clearly didn’t pay attention to, let along study for. So I understand the circumstance of not knowing. But when I listen to this song and it speaks so much about regret and not being more appreciative of what we have in front of us, I can’t help but wonder how many of my past relationship I regret to have lost – or if they even regret to have let me go. There’s a part of me that will always be fond of the old memories and wonder ‘what if it worked out’ or ‘what if I go back’. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low. Only hate the road when you’re missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. And you let her go.

Battle Scars by Paradise Fears is a song that I will probably replay over and over as one of my top favorite song until the end of time. I discovered Paradise Fears in high school when the scars on my body really made me insanely insecure and even self-sabotaging. Even though my ex-something at the time constantly reminded me that I can be loved despite all my body’s been through and despite what anyone else says, I found myself playing this song a lot whenever I hit a low point; I found myself gaining a lot of strength from these lyrics. You’ve had enough, but just don’t give up. Stick to your guns, you are worth fighting for. You know we’ve all got battle scars. Keep marching on.

Crash Test Dummy (Broken) by Reed Deming speaks the words a lot of our hearts wonder. We have gotten so used to seeing ourselves mess up and fail that sometimes we forget all the times we were strong and shined. We see all the broken parts, sometimes thinking they’re the worst parts of ourselves, and forget how beautiful and strong we still are. After all, we are truly our worst enemy. I am…insanely…guilty of this and I know it to be true. I will beat myself up over mistakes I made that ended up hurting me more than anyone. I will chew out my own ear (if even possible) about how I am not living up to my parents’ expectations for me. I will cry myself to sleep after telling myself that I am not worth fighting for. And then wonder if anyone will love me and fight myself for me. What if I’m troubled? What if I’m flawed? And what if they all just think I’m a fraud? And what if I’m left without a choice? And what if I like girls? What if boys? And what if I listen to all that they say? They promised forever and then walk away.

I’ll be honest, a lot of the songs that have stuck with me through the past few years are the songs that managed to silence my own demons. They’re the songs that can get me to forget everything running through my mind like a tornado. They’re the songs that help me escape from even my own head and go to a place where the storm has calmed. They’re the songs that have gotten me to where I am today. These songs are who I am.

More songs from my playlist:
Sanctuary by Paradise Fears
Mended by Matthew West
Safe in My Hands by Eli Lieb
Make You Stay by The Girl and The Dreamcatcher
Roses by Shawn Mendes
Written in the Scars by The Script
This Is For You by David Dunn
Shelter (Acoustic) by Nick Howard
Sincerely Me by Artist Vs Poet

If you have the time, give some of these songs a listen and let me know what you think in the comments below. Let me know if they end up touching your heart like they did mine.
Let me know if you want more song recommendations (:

Bits of each song mentioned have been attached to each paragraph above (in italics) respectively

 Song

Back Again

Back Again

I have to be honest…when I saw you again my heart skipped a beat. We didn’t leave each other’s lives in such good terms that I thought you’d be walking towards me with a smile on your face again. I hadn’t thought we’d be talking about life and exchanging stories over lunch anytime soon. But there we were, catching up, joking around, laughing and having a good time once again.

If I’m honest, I have to say I had dreamt of the day we meet in good terms again and catch up as if we never stopped being great friends. I wanted to share my life with you. I wanted to experience life with you. But when I saw you again I had to reexamine where I stand.

A part of me thinks we could mend the break and start a new friendship built on trust and faith. It thinks there is something that still ties us together that life has brought us to each other again. It still feels the connection that once pulled me towards you. It still believes that our friendship can make it through.

But, honestly, another part of me thinks I shouldn’t be trying to pull something from my past into my present and future. It remembers how broken you had left me years before. It is scared of being left again after finding reason to have faith in you once more. It doesn’t want to give its heart to someone who doesn’t believe we’re meant to be anything.

At the same time that I want to reach out to you and bring you into my life, I already have an exhausting life without the drama of an ex-something coming back around. At the same time that I want to be there for you again, for I still see the hurt in your eyes and feel the pain coming from your heart, I know I can’t fix everything in your life no matter how much I want to take the pain away. I’d rather take your pain onto myself than have you suffer through your own thoughts in the darkness I know you’ve lived within for way too long – but I cannot.

I know I will always have a soft spot for you, as the first boy I fell in love with. I know I will always love you and be here for you no matter what. I know I will never stop caring about you despite anything you can do. I know I will not ever be scared of you, but of my feelings for you. I know there will always be something there for you to come back to. I know I will always love you.

But…I am nervous to find out how our lives will intertwine this time ’round. If you reach out, I won’t push you away. But, if there is something left here, I can’t be the only one trying to find where things go.

To The Men and Women Out There

To The Men and Women Out There

To the men who think they’re Superman. To the women who think they’re a miracle drug. To the people who think they, not only have but, are all the answers to every problem that exists. To the people who think their touch could save someone’s life in a spilt second. To the people who believe they are the unstoppable healer of all time. To the people who believe just their presence in someone’s life is enough to turn black to white.

WAKE UP!

To a man who just walked into my life.

WAKE UP! ….also, fuck you.

My team of a dozen specialists are struggling to find a cure for my condition and yet you have the nerve to walk into my life and say you have all the answers from “back in the old time”. Do you know what it’s like living a “normal” life only thanks to the little handfuls of drugs you take on the daily? Do you know what it’s like trying to breathe through the chronic pain that leaves you breathless each time it strikes? Oh, and by the way, it strikes every second of every minute of every day that I breathe. Do you know what it’s like being more comfortable in a hospital than in your own bedroom because there is actually people there who can administer harder drugs to knock you out instead of struggling to breathe? No? Let me tell you then.

You walk around like a normal person, sort of. You know for a fact that people do notice how pale you get somedays and how sick you seem on others. You feel immense gratitude for those who take their time to take care of you; the small “are you okay”s during their busy days; the “I think you should sit down”s when you are overwhelmed by side effects that you could faint; the strong arms that hold you when you know your insides are breaking apart. But at the same time, you feel this guilt weighing down your heart; you don’t want to be a charity case that they think they can rewrite their sins with; you hate seeing pity in their eyes, masked around their worry, because a part of you thinks they wouldn’t be so caring if there wasn’t anything wrong with you. It’s constantly a battle between needing people to watch out for you (since you could faint any second of the day) and knowing you deserve better than some friendships that are more fake than unicorns.

Your life consists of constant visits to your team of multiple specialists who are constantly doing a guess-and-check kind of procedure with your health (and I don’t blame them; it’s just exhausting). Sometimes you get more excited to see that specialist you really get along with than your friends who love you so much. Some people don’t know what a CT scan is but you know that negative fluid is what makes you go through multiple needles because the nurses keep missing your veins or your vein keeps bursting open. Some people think breathing tests are the easiest test you can get but you know those tests are what leaves your breathless, lightheaded, and feeling like you’re going to faint. Some people laugh because “stress tests” sound a little funky but you know you’d rather have your vein burst ten times than go through that hell day.

You feel this guilt sinking in your stomach constantly because you can’t imagine how hard it is for your parents to see you go through everything that you do, because though you have your good days you also have really bad times where you can’t shut up about freaking out about another health problem that showed its face, because you know your friends are sick of hearing about your next surgery or procedure. You know people have their problems and you should be grateful that you are even alive and breathing but it’s difficult when years of buried panic boils to the surface and seeps through the mask you constantly wore to fight these battles.

You are constantly proud of yourself for doing well on a really bad day or even show up when your body almost can’t move. But you also want to scream your head off when you hit yet another glass ceiling every time your doctors say they don’t know what else to do that could potentially help. You know you should probably go to therapy for all the emotions you trap under your skin but live in a family where mental health isn’t a thing. You cry yourself to sleep feeling more helpless than ever but always having to act like everything’s okay.

You feel like a badass when you tell new close friends your story. You feel invincible when they tell you they couldn’t even imagine what your life is like. You feel proud of yourself when your mentor is stunned to learn about your health and tells you he is so proud of how well you’re doing. You feel safe when you know you can always lean on your best friends for support, every now and then. You feel like a badass when you look back at your past and realize how much you’ve survived.

Let me stop there. I know this seems like a rant since emotions are all over the place – one minute it’s pride and courage you feel and the next it’s the fear and guilt pulling you down. But, honest, that’s how life is like. You know it’s kind of like when you first get a crush on someone and get the butterflies in your stomach, that immense nervousness mixed with joy and panic. Then you start getting their attention and the questions start roaming your mind about whether you should make a move or whether they are feeling the same way. When you start getting closer to them and they’re everything you could imagine and more, it’s like those feelings you get of flying through the clouds and sudden fear of falling all mixed into one unbreakable jewel. It’s like what people describe as an off-and-on relationship with the love of your life – the immense emotions of joy, and fear, and nervousness, and excitement, all twirling around in the hurricane of questions, doubts, what-if’s, and opportunities, along with the ticking time bomb you constantly hear in the back of your heart. It’s a mess, to say the least.

And, don’t get me wrong, I get that everyone’s life feels like a mess at times and everyone has their problems to deal with. I get that there are people who have it harder than me. I get that a lot of you will never understand because breathing is something you take for granted. I get it.

But nothing gives you the right to come into my life and claim you have the answers to every problem I’ve ever had. You don’t know me. You don’t know what I’ve been through. You don’t know what I’m going through. You don’t know. And you definitely don’t have the answers so, to be short and simple, YOU ARE NOT MY ANSWER. I dare you to spend a week in my shoes and see if you can handle the things I go through. I’d love to have you wake up and realize what it does to me when you come around and say you’re the miracle drug that could save my life. But, honestly, I wouldn’t wish my life upon you even if you were a monster. You deserve better.

I might not know what ‘war’ feels like, but it definitely feels like I’m constantly at war with my own body. Except I’m always the team trying to simply survive rather than fight.

Provoke

Two Years Ago Replayed

Two Years Ago Replayed

Around this time, two years ago, I was in the same position I am facing today. Two years ago, my heart raced at the thought of college. Two years ago, I had no clue what would become of my life during fall. Two years ago, I was checking multiple websites for any sign that my life was going to change for the better. Two years ago, I dealt with sleepless nights as I rolled around in bed terrified of what will I discover in the mail the next day.

Two years ago, I faced the decision that changed my life. Today, I face the uncertainty of the future that laid in the palms of my hands. Today, at the same time that I can’t imagine how much has changed, I can’t believe how similar my future seems.

Two years ago, I was counting down the days until April and May. I even looked at the hours on the clock as I waited for spring to near its end. I was a restless little girl waiting to see what would become of her future. Today, I am counting down the days until April and May. I am finding myself crossing off each day in my calendar is only making me more and more nervous as the big day comes closer. I am a wreck trying to keep it together as someone out there is deciding what will be the next few years of my life.

What will become of my life? What is going to change with my family? What is going to change around me? How many things are there to organize? How many uncertainties will finally become clear? What will become of the person I am today as I continue to grow up and become the woman I’m meant to be?

What is going to happen to…everything that I know?

Do you know?

“That Girl”

“That Girl”

Growing up, I was always told of stories of young girls getting harassed by a friend, by a relative, by a stranger. You were always told to be on the lookout for these types of people. But you never thought, one day, you would be that girl.

The girl who is scared walking alone at night, even if just across a couple parking spaces with your friends just a few feet away walking to their car. The girl whose body is completely tense when she thinks she hears footsteps behind her but don’t know who it is yet. The girl who cant get her heart to come down or her mind to calm down when the sun sets and the night gets darker.

The girl who keeps her head on a swivel as she walks across campus, even though it’s still midday. The girl who jumps at any sudden hand on her body, even when it’s just her old friend’s hand on her shoulder as he walks up to her to say hi. The girl who doesn’t want to leave the house after dark anymore. The girl who still gets nightmares and visions of the day he grabbed her body.

The girl who is scared out of her mind.

I never thought I’d ever be that girl. That girl was just in the textbooks. That girl is only the girls who party. That girl is someone who is out in public a lot. That girl…is the girl I see when I look into the mirror and see me.

And you know what?

Fuck you. Fuck this world for making it such a scary place to be a woman. Fuck the boys who think they are obligated to our bodies. Fuck this world for making boys’ inappropriate behavior seem okay by saying “boys will be boys”. Fuck the ignorance people who think there’s any possibility that a woman would want to be treated like that. Fuck the stupidity that blinds one’s mind to think that kind of behavior is “manly” or is okay in any shape or form.

Fuck you. Fuck the person who says you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Fuck the person who shrugs off girls and woman getting harassed, assaulted, and raped as if it’s the next headline about the Kardashians. Fuck the person who makes you feel unsafe. Fuck the person who thinks any of this is okay.

Fuck you. Fuck the person who said, “she was asking for it”. Fuck the person who thinks a drunk girl is a consenting girl. Fuck the person who ever thinks to blame the girl. Fuck the person who made the girl feel like it was her fault.

She never thinks she’s going to be “that girl” one day. So, fuck you for making that ‘one day’ be reality. Fuck you.

Betrayed