I run the memory through my head. It seems as close to perfect as anything seems to get.
We’re sitting there, talking, laughing, goofing around and just plainly having fun. I feel like I can be myself; that no matter how awful my day was, being with him like this would make it all better. And it does.
He’s talking to me, being him, and I’m sitting there smiling more naturally than ever. He’s teasing me and joking around, and I laugh for real for the first couple times in a while. Even when we sit in silence, it’s the most comfortable I’ve been while surrounded by dozens of people.
I know it’s horrible to think this, but it seemed perfect. It seems as if that is how it’s suppose to be.
Reality check: It’s not.
Even with all the situations going on running through my mind and tears having to be held back, your voice always seems to make everything else seem all so much better. The negative thoughts would slip away in space as a smile forms on my face with you near by. The sound of your voice brings back the great memories we shared and gave me the feeling of knowing that you really care for me. The sound of your voice makes me feel safe inside knowing that with you everything would be alright.
Black and white. Sometimes those are the only colors I see. When all the feeling is gone, there’s nothing left to see. Your heart turns to stone and black, white and grey are all the colors you see.
Strength. Passion. Love. Determination. Joy. Sunshine. Energy. Life. Jealousy. Harmony. Trust. Loyalty. Wisdom. Confidence. Faith. Dignity. Gone.
Green. Red. Yellow. Blue. Orange. Purple. Gone.
The only things left aren’t many. Light. Innocence. Purity. Elegance. Formality. Darkness. Death. Evil. Mystery. All still here. But what’s the point? Light and dark cancel. Innocence and evil demolish each other. Purity and mystery are basically opposites. Elegance and formality? What’s the use of these luxurious manners?
Black and white. The only colors here. But is there really anything left if everything else has disappeared?
Heart of stone. I force myself not to feel. Not to hurt. Not to cry. But the pain is too much. It’s too much to handle. I feel like my heart is going to break. Even things made of stone break. If it’s hit hard enough, and that’s what is happening right now. Your strikes are hard and they come from all directions, all the time.
What will make it stop? Why can’t you see I’m in pain? Does the cries I give out and millions of tears I cry mean nothing to you?
Just forget it. Forget I said anything. Just like all the other times I’ve ever said anything to you.
It hurts, you know? What you’re doing. But you don’t see it. You don’t feel the pain I do. I wish I really wish you would see what you’re doing. The things you’re doing to me, I would never do to you. Because I know what the pain and hurt feels like, I would never want you to feel the same. But please. Just stop.
Everything breaks after it’s been worn down. But unlike I wish, my heart isn’t made of stone. Maybe then I could take more than you dish. But no, my heart is fragile just like anyone else’s. It breaks. I’m trying so hard to pick put the pieces but there’s too many and I think I’ve lost some of myself.
But what’s the point? I pick up one piece and it falls down as three. I pick up two and I soon see seven on the ground. I want to just fall down and take the hits. But I know I’m stronger than this.
I just wish you would stop. Would look and see what you’re doing. Because if you don’t, there won’t be much left to hit.
Express yourself. Say what’s on your mind. Follow your dreams. Statements we’ve all heard a million times in life. Some of us went for it and did what they told us to while other held back wondering if it was right. Was expressing yourself or saying what was on your mind that important if it was going to hurt the ones we love? Would following you dreams be the first on you list of things to do before death if you new it would disappoint others? Make others cry? Was all that really worth it?
Sometimes you just want things to go back to how they were. Even it would mean bringing back the old negative memories, events and things, having the happiness, cheer and wonders would be worth losing the things that have come to be.
When you look back and think about what you miss, there are probably hundreds that you could name. It might be a friendship you had with someone, a bond that got broken or even just the feelings you had when you were with someone. But now that all those things have gone away, what else do you have left?
When you look around you, thinking back to the old times, there might not be many things that come to compete with the memories. The horrible things that are happening around you are the ones that pop out the most, but, for some reason, when you think of the past, you just think of happiness.
Why is that?
….What’s old is what’s familiar. It’s what you’re use to. It’s something you know.
What’s new is something that’s unknown. It’s what you have to get use to. It’s something you have to learn.
When you look at your past, what do you think? When you look back, do you remember what you’ve done to come this far? Or do you remember just the negative? All the times you ignored someone’s wise words and got in a whole bunch of trouble for it. All the times you rebelled against your parents just because you could, and got a smack in the face with punishment. All the times you were too stuck on being stubborn and holding your ground, that you lost something more important than your pride. The times you failed at something you tried. The times you forgot to remember the things you needed to get done. The times you’ve been yelled at for something you had done wrong. The times when you looked back and thought yourself as a joke. You remember all of this, these little details, but you never seemed to get a hold on the rest, the positive, the joy, and the happiness in life. You have always been so caught up in what’s wrong, the black, the dark, that you are blind to what is right, the white, and the light. You’re blind to all the things you’ve done right, all the things that are good about you, that people should value. You’ve tried to seek out the happiness and have succeeded several times, but because you’ve been trapped for so long the darkness still hides in your eyes.
Just remember that you have more to offer than failure and mistakes. You have potential. You have a wonderful future ahead of you. Ignore the criticism and focus in on the positive.