“I don’t know.”
That’s been my answer for a lot of things. I don’t know. I’ve repeated it constantly when my parents, teachers or even friends asked me something. Why didn’t you get a B on your test? I don’t know. Why did you lie about being with your friends instead of studying? I don’t know. What were you thinking when you made these people your friends? I don’t know. What makes going to these events so important to you? I don’t know.
The truth is I know a lot of these answers. I didn’t study. I wanted to go and have a little fun for once. They were really nice people and they accepted me for who I am. These events are what make high school so memorable. See? I know these answers. But I always say ‘I don’t know’. I don’t know why I say it when it’s sometimes no true. Maybe it’s just my go-to line for whenever I’m in panic. When I get questioned I always blurt it out, but there is this bundle of questions I truly don’t know.
What major do you want to be? What’s your dream job? Where do you want to go to college? What are you looking for in your future? What do you want to do for the rest of your life?
Okay. Maybe I have a little clue about the answer to one of those questions. For my ‘future’, I want to be happy. I want to do what I love and love what I do. That’s all I ever wanted. I want to be surrounded by people who love, support and care for me. I want to be able to relax and enjoy life while it lasts instead of being stressed over a big project or something. Is that too much to ask?
Sure I don’t know the answers to the rest of these ‘life-changing’ questions, but what I know is what I’ll stick with. For now.
“You keep saying that.” He looked around, running a hand through his hair that I loved so much, “You have to decide.”
I slowly shook my head and stared at the ground, “I don’t know.”
Hearing him sigh, I tensed as I waited for him to yell, but it didn’t happen, “Then what do you know?”
I know that I want to be here, with you. I know that I have a lot of decisions to make about my life, my future and my career. I know that…I’m scared. What if I don’t make the right decisions? What if I fail the exam of life without even knowing what I did wrong? I know that…I don’t want to make these decisions; maybe if I ignore them, I’ll disappear and I won’t have to deal with it. I know that I can’t do that. I know that my life depends on what I say.
So what do I say?
“I don’t know.” I stated, wrapping my arm around my chest and stared at the ground.
He gently lifted my chin up so our eyes met, his searching inside mine, “Tell me what you’re thinking…”
Getting the courage, I closed my eyes and cautiously told him with my guard up, in case he got mad, “The future…There’s all these decisions to make…I don’t know…so many questions I need to answer, but, honestly, I don’t know what’s correct and what’s wrong anymore.”
I just said ‘I don’t know’ twice in that one sentence. He’s not yelling. He’s not getting frustrated. At least, I don’t think he is. Eyes closed, I can’t see, but I can hear.
“I don’t know what I want to major in. I don’t know where I want to go for college.” I continued, pausing after each sentence to let him reply, but he didn’t, “I don’t know what I want to be. I don’t know who I want to be. I don’t know what I want to do for the rest of my life. It’s a big decision to make, and I don’t want to make the wrong one.”
There was a pause of silence before I opened my eyes to see what he was doing. I found him still staring at me. He was searching, thinking, and wondering. I wondered what was going through his head.
This guy has been with me through a lot. These past couple years would have been nothing without him. He made me smile when I wanted to frown, laugh when I was crying, and basically just turn any bad day of mine upside down. He gave me a new meaning to life. He gave life a new meaning. He made things that seemed scary seem fun and exciting. Whenever he was around, I knew I was going to be okay. He had confidence in me I didn’t know anyone would. He accepted me for me and dealt with who I am. He loved me, for who I am.
“I know it all seems scary,” He started to say with a small smile, “and you don’t know where you belong in this world. I don’t either. But if you let me, you won’t have to deal with anything alone. If you don’t know, we’ll find out together. Okay?”
“Okay.” I nodded with a smile, wrapping my arms around him.