Aside

Scars

When I look at myself in the mirror, I see my scars. I still can see most of them very clearly as they sit on my skin. I see them, and think, “Do I even remember what I look like without my scars?”

The answer: I don’t.

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Have You Ever

Have You Ever

Have you ever loved something so much it was what your life was surrounded around? But then you realized you didn’t love it as much for what it truly is then you did for the fact that you could hide yourself behind it and pretend to be something else?

Rewording: Have you ever loved something so much it was what your life surrounded around, but then you realized you didn’t love it for what it was but for the fact that you could hide yourself behind it and pretend to be something else?

Whether it was acting, writing, drawing, photography, technology, medical or being empathic. Everyone tries to be someone else at least once in their life. But how much people have tried so hard to be someone else that they lost sight of who they truly were, believing what they were faking as the truth? There are people like that too. That’s when people say “You’ve gone too far.”

But where does the line really lay between faking and reality, especially when you’ve covered your whole life with the fake? When you’re the person who doesn’t know fantasy from reality? When you’re the person who has “gone too far”? Where is the line then? And is it too far behind you to ever go back?

Always

Always

Her: -mumbles- I wonder what I look in your eyes….

Him: -smiles- I see a beautiful young woman -pauses- who doubts herself and needs someone to constantly remind her of who she truly is. She needs someone who get rid of all the pain and tormenting memories that has filled her past, and replace them will bright and irreplaceable ones for the present and future. She is someone who loves others too much, but that’s why I love her.

Her: -smiles-

Him: I see a girl growing up into a woman. She’s going to be a strong woman. She’s going to be everything she ever wanted to be. -pauses- I see a girl who has a bright future but…

Her: -gets worries as time passes- but what?

Him: -looks over at her with sorrow in his eyes- I see a girl who has a bright future…but I hope I’m in it too.

Her: -wraps her arms around his neck- Of course you are -smiles- Unless you want to leave, there will always be a place in my life for you.

Him: -smiles- Unless you push me away, I’ll always be there for you

He Knows Me…Now What?

He Knows Me…Now What?

He knows me too much. ———— It scares me.

When I look at him, when I walk by him, when I look into his eyes…I know he sees it. I know he sees the sadness I try to bury inside. I know he sees the pain I’m use to feeling. I know he sees all the regrets I’ve made during my life. I know he sees it all…but at the same time, I wonder if he ever really sees me.

Does he see the fear I carry when I look straight at him? Does he see the fear of pain each and every time I try to open my mouth? Does he see the regret when I realize I should have stopped talking far before I did? Does he see the hope I have for the future behind the thousand layers of hurt and pain?

Does he see the girl who tries so hard to be happy but is always left with nothing? Does he see the girl who tries her best to live up to all the expectations, given by everyone and herself? Does he see the girl who doesn’t want to grow up, in fear of what might happen in the future of unknown? Does he see the girl who wants to live her life with happiness, in a carefree world, but never dares to hope for any of her dreams to come true? Does he see the girl who wants to be herself but is scared out of her mind to find out who the person really might be? Does he see the girl who has high expectations for the world, but knows better to not hope for anything to live up to her expectations and her wishes? Or does he just see the girl who doesn’t want to be there because there’s too much there to face?

I know he knows me —- in certain ways. He knows when I’m sad, when I’m lying about feeling bad, when I’m embarrassed, when I’m dealing with physical pain (when it’s obvious). He sees a lot of things others don’t see (because they don’t pay attention, and to be honest, I’m use to it being like that), but he’s still got so many layers to dig through. Will he stay long enough to see? Will he care enough to stay?

I want to say that he won’t care enough to stay, and he will disappear before I know it. I really do want to be able to say that sometimes….but, in all honesty, I really just don’t know.

What if he does stay? Then what? He’ll leave eventually…..

Gallery

Tuesday’s Bits and Bobs

Priceless photos ❤

Leanne Cole PHOTOGRAPHY

It hasn’t been a very exciting week and there isn’t a lot to share today.  Things have been quiet.  Too quiet really.  Though I will try and see if I have some things to share.

The Mallee

I think I will be going back up there in the next few weeks.  I will have access to a car in November and it seems a logical thing to do to plan another trip up there.  I might also see if I can get something together and try teaching sorrento-beach-waves-slow-sunset-463another class up there.  Thought I might start running some basic photography workshops.  I think lots of people up there have DSLR’s, but they have no idea how to use them, and not much opportunity to learn.  It has always been one of my most successful classes, teaching people that, so I am going to try and see if people are interested in that.

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A Nightmare…

A Nightmare…

I remember talking to a friend. He was talking and I was laughing. Then another friend, one who everyone has been saying I should never date, comes up from behind me. I didn’t see neither of their faces, but I knew it was them and I knew what was going on.

The guy tells me that he has feelings for me. That he thinks there’s a connection between us. I admit to him not being the only one n this. We have a moment. My friend from behind me, says my name and then, “Stop this.”

I remember looking at him with confusion. I ask him “What? Wasn’t it you who kept telling me to stop bottling everything up? Well, I’m not. What’s the problem? I don’t get it.”

What he says after that is a blur. All I can make out is “Don’t do this.” Then he walks away. He practically runs away. I call out to him, once and then twice, but he keeps going. Before I realize it, I’m looking to the ground with disappointment and a dash of regret. The guy standing next to me still says sorry. He says, “If we do try this, I don’t want to be a problem for you.” I know he means it. I know he cares. But it’s not his fault that my friend feels that way. Then again…I didn’t know what he was feeling. I didn’t get it.

The guy was about it leave, he started walking away, when I told him he could stay if he wanted to. He wanted to give me space because I asked “Can I figure some things out before I give you an answer?” after looking towards my friend a couple times. When he nodded, I could see this passion in his eyes.

Hours passed like seconds and I was soon standing somewhere else talking to this guy. Same guy. We had been having a blast all day. I didn’t know what we had been talking about for hours, but I had a feeling we never really stopped. When I was looking at him, I felt like I belonged, like I was wanted and needed, like I was really cared for and meant a whole bunch to someone else’s life.

Then, out of the blue, my friend has his hand gripped around my wrist and is pulling me away from the guy. He was pulling and we were running. I looked back, my legs following my friend, and saw the guy standing there watching us in confusion and irritation before he disappeared from view. My friend pulled me around a corner to a part of the site that was vacant.

Suddenly I was in his arms and my hands were on his chest. I was still in shock and confused at why the heck he ran me all the way over here. My legs felt like paper and I just couldn’t think straight still. But before I could react or get anything in place, he kissed me. My first kiss. I was in shock. Again. Still.

When he pulled away, I could see the sadness in his eyes along with passion, love and a dash of regret. Actually, there was a whole bunch of regret. I remember it being there. He started saying sorry, that he didn’t want to loose me, that he realized he still had feelings for me when he saw me with someone else. He kept rambling on and on, but everything after the couple first sentences became a big hazy blur in my mind.

I was still in shock. There I was having the best day with this guy and my friend yanks me out of it and plants his huge ‘feelings’ bomb in front of me. I didn’t have a clue what to do, how to react, or what the heck to say. So I didn’t. Everything was just too much.

He noticed me backing up very, very slowly. One step, two steps… He looked down at my feet and begged me, “Please don’t do that…” But I didn’t know what else to do. I want to run. I wanted to get away. I wanted to forget. But I just couldn’t.

So I asked him, “Do what? Be worried? Be confused? Be scared?” I waited for an answer, a response…anything, but he didn’t say a word. I shook my head at the face staring at me with worry, regret and fear. I looked at him with the same. I was worried, I was scared, I was…confused.

I started backing up again and before I turned to leave, to run, to sprint, to get away, I sent him a sentence, “I’m sorry…Figure it out…before you make a mess out of me.”

Then I ran. Away from ‘feelings’. Away from drama. Away from the problems. Away from the confusion. Away from the illusion of happiness. Away from everyone. Away from him. I didn’t know what else to do. So I ran.

I Want To….

I Want To….

I want to leave here. I want to go out in the world. I want to travel to new places. I want to see new things. I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to feel like I’m flying. I want to take millions and millions of pictures. I want to write hundreds and hundreds of stories. I want to meet thousands of new people. I want to experience new things. I want to feel indescribable feelings. I want to be independent. I want to be listened to. I want to be heard. I want to be understood. I want to be loved. I want to be me.

I want to leave here. I want to go out into the world.

…Maybe on the way, during my journey, I’ll find out if there’s more to this girl, who is constantly there staring back at me when I glance into the mirror, than being…broken.