I remember talking to a friend. He was talking and I was laughing. Then another friend, one who everyone has been saying I should never date, comes up from behind me. I didn’t see neither of their faces, but I knew it was them and I knew what was going on.
The guy tells me that he has feelings for me. That he thinks there’s a connection between us. I admit to him not being the only one n this. We have a moment. My friend from behind me, says my name and then, “Stop this.”
I remember looking at him with confusion. I ask him “What? Wasn’t it you who kept telling me to stop bottling everything up? Well, I’m not. What’s the problem? I don’t get it.”
What he says after that is a blur. All I can make out is “Don’t do this.” Then he walks away. He practically runs away. I call out to him, once and then twice, but he keeps going. Before I realize it, I’m looking to the ground with disappointment and a dash of regret. The guy standing next to me still says sorry. He says, “If we do try this, I don’t want to be a problem for you.” I know he means it. I know he cares. But it’s not his fault that my friend feels that way. Then again…I didn’t know what he was feeling. I didn’t get it.
The guy was about it leave, he started walking away, when I told him he could stay if he wanted to. He wanted to give me space because I asked “Can I figure some things out before I give you an answer?” after looking towards my friend a couple times. When he nodded, I could see this passion in his eyes.
Hours passed like seconds and I was soon standing somewhere else talking to this guy. Same guy. We had been having a blast all day. I didn’t know what we had been talking about for hours, but I had a feeling we never really stopped. When I was looking at him, I felt like I belonged, like I was wanted and needed, like I was really cared for and meant a whole bunch to someone else’s life.
Then, out of the blue, my friend has his hand gripped around my wrist and is pulling me away from the guy. He was pulling and we were running. I looked back, my legs following my friend, and saw the guy standing there watching us in confusion and irritation before he disappeared from view. My friend pulled me around a corner to a part of the site that was vacant.
Suddenly I was in his arms and my hands were on his chest. I was still in shock and confused at why the heck he ran me all the way over here. My legs felt like paper and I just couldn’t think straight still. But before I could react or get anything in place, he kissed me. My first kiss. I was in shock. Again. Still.
When he pulled away, I could see the sadness in his eyes along with passion, love and a dash of regret. Actually, there was a whole bunch of regret. I remember it being there. He started saying sorry, that he didn’t want to loose me, that he realized he still had feelings for me when he saw me with someone else. He kept rambling on and on, but everything after the couple first sentences became a big hazy blur in my mind.
I was still in shock. There I was having the best day with this guy and my friend yanks me out of it and plants his huge ‘feelings’ bomb in front of me. I didn’t have a clue what to do, how to react, or what the heck to say. So I didn’t. Everything was just too much.
He noticed me backing up very, very slowly. One step, two steps… He looked down at my feet and begged me, “Please don’t do that…” But I didn’t know what else to do. I want to run. I wanted to get away. I wanted to forget. But I just couldn’t.
So I asked him, “Do what? Be worried? Be confused? Be scared?” I waited for an answer, a response…anything, but he didn’t say a word. I shook my head at the face staring at me with worry, regret and fear. I looked at him with the same. I was worried, I was scared, I was…confused.
I started backing up again and before I turned to leave, to run, to sprint, to get away, I sent him a sentence, “I’m sorry…Figure it out…before you make a mess out of me.”
Then I ran. Away from ‘feelings’. Away from drama. Away from the problems. Away from the confusion. Away from the illusion of happiness. Away from everyone. Away from him. I didn’t know what else to do. So I ran.