He knows me too much. ———— It scares me.
When I look at him, when I walk by him, when I look into his eyes…I know he sees it. I know he sees the sadness I try to bury inside. I know he sees the pain I’m use to feeling. I know he sees all the regrets I’ve made during my life. I know he sees it all…but at the same time, I wonder if he ever really sees me.
Does he see the fear I carry when I look straight at him? Does he see the fear of pain each and every time I try to open my mouth? Does he see the regret when I realize I should have stopped talking far before I did? Does he see the hope I have for the future behind the thousand layers of hurt and pain?
Does he see the girl who tries so hard to be happy but is always left with nothing? Does he see the girl who tries her best to live up to all the expectations, given by everyone and herself? Does he see the girl who doesn’t want to grow up, in fear of what might happen in the future of unknown? Does he see the girl who wants to live her life with happiness, in a carefree world, but never dares to hope for any of her dreams to come true? Does he see the girl who wants to be herself but is scared out of her mind to find out who the person really might be? Does he see the girl who has high expectations for the world, but knows better to not hope for anything to live up to her expectations and her wishes? Or does he just see the girl who doesn’t want to be there because there’s too much there to face?
I know he knows me —- in certain ways. He knows when I’m sad, when I’m lying about feeling bad, when I’m embarrassed, when I’m dealing with physical pain (when it’s obvious). He sees a lot of things others don’t see (because they don’t pay attention, and to be honest, I’m use to it being like that), but he’s still got so many layers to dig through. Will he stay long enough to see? Will he care enough to stay?
I want to say that he won’t care enough to stay, and he will disappear before I know it. I really do want to be able to say that sometimes….but, in all honesty, I really just don’t know.
What if he does stay? Then what? He’ll leave eventually…..