You’re Different

You’re Different

When you say I shouldn’t be dependent on you, I don’t understand. When you say I should learn to let more people into my life, I get even more confused. When you tell me to keep myself busy with other things, I don’t get it. When you explain to me that you can’t always be there for me, I still don’t see where you’re coming from. When you go and say these things, I can’t follow.

You were the first person who was there for me. Of course I’m going to be more comfortable going to you when I need things. Of course I’m going to be hoping that you’ll always be there for me. Of course I’m not going to think I need anyone else. Because you’re there for me, who else would I need?

I go to you for things because I know you’ll listen. I know I can trust you. I know you will be there for me. I know that I can depend on you. You were the person who told me the trust you, right? You told me to lean on you, to go to you for things, to open up to you. You instructed me to do so. After a long while, I finally trusted you enough again to do exactly that. So when you yell at me for doing the wrong thing, I honestly can’t wrap it around my head.

Also, I don’t get it when I do have other people in my life and you tell me that I still need to learn. I have my friends. I just don’t trust them the way I trust you, and talk to you. You’re different from everyone else. Can’t you understand that much?

I get that you can’t always be there for me. I’m okay with that. I trust myself enough to be okay, to survive, when you can’t be there with me. Do you not trust me…with myself? You have your life to worry about, your problems to deal with and your family to take care of. I get that you will be busy, and there will be times where you simply can’t manage everything on your own. You can’t. I know. It’s not possible to be able to do everything. But I will be okay without you.

But that doesn’t mean I want you to leave. I don’t want you to shut me out. I don’t want you to push me away. I definitely don’t want you to make me walk away, leave or say ‘goodbye’. I don’t. So please don’t make me.

You were there for me during what I thought was the hardest part of my life. You were there, holding my hand through all the steps that I needed to take to recover. You loved me, when I couldn’t. You believed in me; you took care of me; you listened to me when no one else would. Yes, you’re different. Can’t you see that? You’re an angel from above that’s come into my life. You’re a spark of light that shined my way through the dark mist in hell. You’re the knight in shinning armor who came running to save me as I gave up on the fight that I hadn’t even fought. Yes, maybe I exaggerate things, maybe I do, but the idea is still the same. You’re not the same from the others. I know that. Don’t you?

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Dead Silence

Dead Silence

I stare out the window. The room is empty; the house is dead silent. There’s no one here. No one; but me. There’s nothing to this death silence. There’s no noise, no music, no footsteps, and no sound. Yet there’s a thousand voices banging through my head. Even then, it’s like I don’t hear a sound.

Everything’s jumbled together. Words collide and feelings are a tangled mess; thoughts are unheard of and ideas are unspoken about. Even through this racket that is life, I don’t want to give up.

Even through this silence, I can still hear their fighting voices. I can still hear their hurtful words and hatred-filled tones. I can still hear their hate, their despair, their hurt, their cries for help. But I can’t help. I can’t resolve everything and make a solution out of nothing. I can’t tell them that everything’s going to be okay. I can’t say that I’m going to be okay. I can’t do anything. I can’t help.

But I want to. I want to do something. I want to be able to. I want to be…someone…to someone. So why can’t I?

Why isn’t there someone that stands by me through this? Why isn’t there someone who would just hold my hand? Why isn’t there someone to tell me to be strong, and say it’s going to be okay? Why isn’t there someone here who loves me, even though I feel like hating myself? Why don’t’ I have a hero in this situation? Why aren’t you here?

My tears fall down. My cries are silent as the noise drowns out the sound. I fall down and break, but no one knows and no hears of my pain.