Luck. Would it be called that? “Luck”? Having someone accept you for who you are, and love you anyways? Having someone know almost every bit and detail of you and still think they know nothing? Having them look at you like you’re perfection even when others think you might just be a mistake? Having them see you when you’re hyper and cheerful, depressed and crying or pissed and mad but still see you in the same light they always have? Is that what they call luck? Or is that the word they use…love?? Adoration?? What?

I don’t know how that happened. I feel like it was a dream. Out of the past couple years, every person who was ‘too nice’ or ‘too considerate’ or just plainly ‘too friendly’ was doubted in my mind. What are their intensions? What are they trying to do? What’s their benefits if ___ happens? Are they just ___ because they want ___ ? it seems like every move was questionable in my head. If I got too comfortable around someone new, I’d remind myself to put up my guard and remember my borders. If I was too close to someone, I’d get nervous and want to run away. Sometimes these feelings can be ignored, a lot of the times they are, but the more they become right (after I ignore them) the harder it is the avoid the reaction.

But with…this, it’s different. How? They taught me how to trust when I was younger. They taught me to believe in someone and have faith they mean what they say. They showed me it’s possible for someone outside to care about you so much. They reassured me I wasn’t the only one who cared so much for the people in my life. They proved to me I wasn’t alone; I felt like I was for a long period of time. Even after a period of separation, I think I could always feel like I was being watched over. It was a comforting feeling, a reassurance and a..spec of strength.

I wonder what else life will bring…

Fire VS Water

Fire VS Water

When people say, you need to be flexible like water, or go with the flow, or anything like that. I get what they are saying. But I’d rather be like a flame than water. Why?

Fires can flicker in the breeze, or “go with the flow”. When they go out, the heat is still there; it doesn’t go out right away and disappear. That slight burn is still burning and continuing to “live”. Then when it does finally go out all the way, there is a sure sign of its presence.

Fires can also burn you at touch when you fool around with it. It can defend itself, be a harm, and a threat. Fires can be big enough to do a lot of damage. It doesn’t let people control it at times; it has it’s own mind and only listens to itself.

Just a thought to put out there 🙂

Our First Hang Out

Our First Hang Out

It was the first time we hung out as a group. There were so many things to worry about when I planned it. On the last few days before the hangout, you jumped to conclusions about the situation everyone was in. I got yelled at so much. I cried so much.

I still don’t know if you were right or if I was wrong. When our friend saw what happened and heard, she yelled at me too. She told me not to listen to you; that you were being an ass who needs to get his stuff together; that I did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad in any way, shape or form. But I don’t know what to think. Even through that, I defended you. I told her you might’ve had a lot going on; you might’ve got stressed with Christmas. She told me to stop making up excuses for you.

She’s going to talk to you. She’s been planning to ever since, but never got the time because she’s busy. I think you’re lucky. I think some of her fury has died down a bit. But still, she’s really mad.

I’m sorry. I’m waiting for her to talk to you, because I don’t think I have the guts to. I don’t want to get yelled at again. I’m sorta use to it now, you yelling, but it’s still not a nice feeling. I trust you. I tell you nearly everything. You’re there for me when I need you. You listen and you care. Of course I don’t want you to be disappointed or mad. I’m waiting for her to talk to you, because i know she’ll say things that I would probably never. She has the guts, and she doesn’t have emotion blocking her judgement or whatever. Im waiting for her to talk to you, because I know that if I would you wouldn’t listen. You would only hear your thoughts, your feelings, think about your circumstances.

I know. I’m sorry. I was wrong for blocking you out of the group chat. I didn’t want you to feel bad because I was trying to move the date for you. I didn’t want you to feel like you owed everyone for my asking them to come earlier so you would be there longer with everyone. I didn’t want you to keep apologizing when it was never your fault. I know you would’ve tried to make it up to them, to everyone, but that’s what I didn’t want to start. It wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want you to feel bad.

I’m sorry. When you asked me to add you back in the chat when everything was done planning, I knew you were pissed at something. I panicked. Of course I would. Minutes later you were joking around and fine, and going to sleep. Then you were pissed and you wouldn’t tell me what happened. You would tell me anything. You were just pissed and yelling. To be honest, I was scared.

I cried so much. Whenever we fight, you always put our friendship on the line. If I don’t do what you want sometimes, the end result would be I’d lose you as a friend. You know, I can’t loose you. I tell you everything. You know nearly everything in my life right now and back then. I go to you to talk when I need someone to listen, to tell me ‘it’s okay’, to hold me, to comfort me, to be there for me. You’re always that person. Sometimes, you get me more than I know myself. If someone like that, someone like you, were to just leave one day, I’d be a wreck probably. I probably wouldn’t know what to do for a while.

You’re a huge part of my life. Sure, when I look back, I see a lot of times where you were the source of my pain but there are countless times where you were the only person who would get me to smile, to laugh, to be okay. I can’t imagine my life without you.

Old Friends

Old Friends

Have you ever had a friend you told everything to? Someone you spent nearly every waking minute with at school? Someone you knew you could always call up and talk to? Someone who was always there? Someone you trusted, not matter how much you told yourself not to? Have you ever had a friend like that?

Have you ever had a friend like that who changed? Who stopped talking to you? Who stopped being there? Who never hung around you anymore? Who…proved you right when you kept telling yourself not to trust them? Have you ever had a friend who hurt you like that?

Have you ever had a friend like that who changed but you still wanted to be friends? Be classmates? Be people who talk? Be people who listen to each other? Be people who are there for one another? Be people who care about the other? Be friends? Have you ever had a friend like that who you still had hope for even when it seemed like you shouldn’t have any?

Have you ever had a friend like that who changed but you still wanted to be friends and it didn’t work out? The conversations kept getting shorter. The times you talked got fewer and fewer. The moments you even see each other, deciding to go different paths, decreased in a blink of an eye. Have you ever had a friend like that who made you feel broken inside?

Have you ever had to sit next to them in class? The memories of you two talking constantly flooding through your head, the yearning of a happy memory to happen again increasing that aching in your chest, and the feeling of being broken strike you like lightning all over again. Have you ever had that happen to you?

I did to me. And it feels horrible.

I miss my friend. I wonder if he misses me too.

I doubt he ever does…