It was the first time we hung out as a group. There were so many things to worry about when I planned it. On the last few days before the hangout, you jumped to conclusions about the situation everyone was in. I got yelled at so much. I cried so much.
I still don’t know if you were right or if I was wrong. When our friend saw what happened and heard, she yelled at me too. She told me not to listen to you; that you were being an ass who needs to get his stuff together; that I did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel bad in any way, shape or form. But I don’t know what to think. Even through that, I defended you. I told her you might’ve had a lot going on; you might’ve got stressed with Christmas. She told me to stop making up excuses for you.
She’s going to talk to you. She’s been planning to ever since, but never got the time because she’s busy. I think you’re lucky. I think some of her fury has died down a bit. But still, she’s really mad.
I’m sorry. I’m waiting for her to talk to you, because I don’t think I have the guts to. I don’t want to get yelled at again. I’m sorta use to it now, you yelling, but it’s still not a nice feeling. I trust you. I tell you nearly everything. You’re there for me when I need you. You listen and you care. Of course I don’t want you to be disappointed or mad. I’m waiting for her to talk to you, because i know she’ll say things that I would probably never. She has the guts, and she doesn’t have emotion blocking her judgement or whatever. Im waiting for her to talk to you, because I know that if I would you wouldn’t listen. You would only hear your thoughts, your feelings, think about your circumstances.
I know. I’m sorry. I was wrong for blocking you out of the group chat. I didn’t want you to feel bad because I was trying to move the date for you. I didn’t want you to feel like you owed everyone for my asking them to come earlier so you would be there longer with everyone. I didn’t want you to keep apologizing when it was never your fault. I know you would’ve tried to make it up to them, to everyone, but that’s what I didn’t want to start. It wasn’t your fault. I didn’t want you to feel bad.
I’m sorry. When you asked me to add you back in the chat when everything was done planning, I knew you were pissed at something. I panicked. Of course I would. Minutes later you were joking around and fine, and going to sleep. Then you were pissed and you wouldn’t tell me what happened. You would tell me anything. You were just pissed and yelling. To be honest, I was scared.
I cried so much. Whenever we fight, you always put our friendship on the line. If I don’t do what you want sometimes, the end result would be I’d lose you as a friend. You know, I can’t loose you. I tell you everything. You know nearly everything in my life right now and back then. I go to you to talk when I need someone to listen, to tell me ‘it’s okay’, to hold me, to comfort me, to be there for me. You’re always that person. Sometimes, you get me more than I know myself. If someone like that, someone like you, were to just leave one day, I’d be a wreck probably. I probably wouldn’t know what to do for a while.
You’re a huge part of my life. Sure, when I look back, I see a lot of times where you were the source of my pain but there are countless times where you were the only person who would get me to smile, to laugh, to be okay. I can’t imagine my life without you.