I was just reading a part of a post from openyoureyes145.wordpress.com and got to the part where she said she does not miss herself anymore because most of herself is back. That made me think about how I’ve been the past year or so. After this very painful part in my life a year ago, I felt like I lost myself back in the place i was forced to leave. I lost everything I felt was important to me. My friends, weren’t allowed to contact them. My position/job/responsibilities, I had to leave it all behind. My life, it seemed as if there was nothing left of it to keep pushing forward for.
I was at the point where I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. I went to this place every day, like I was suppose to, but it was never just right like it use to be. It was never what I called the other place as: home. But I guess that’s what happens when you get attached to one place, one group of people, etc. and then are forced to leave everything behind for “a new and better life”.
I didn’t know what was so great about this “new life” they were giving me. It all just felt like pain; pain from the missing whole in my life where my friends use to take up, pain from the time and effort spent on my responsibilities there, and pain from…not knowing who I was anymore. I didn’t know who I was, and they said this will all be for the best? i didn’t get it. I just didn’t.
I missed my old life terribly. I missed everything about it. Most importantly, I missed the person I was when I had everything there. It had taken a lot of time for me to stop being a shy girl, and instead go out and do what I want/can. It had taken a lot of time for me to get enough courage to be me. Then they took me and told me: start over. They put me in this new place with total strangers, with scary people and with strict rules. Of course I missed what I use to have.
And, yes, I missed myself. I wasn’t able to do all the things I love, like photography and writing. I wasn’t able to take care of my friends like I use to. I felt like I had abandoned them. I felt terrible. I wasn’t able to relax, always feeling as if I was watched. I wasn’t able to…be me.
But now, a year or so has passed, and I’m beginning to feel like the old me. I have for a while now, gotten back on track and getting back to my old self, I just hadn’t realized it. I’m back behind the lens, back at the keyboard, back…being who I loved being. Missing myself isn’t always a feeling I have. But when I do get really depressed, the feeling is suddenly back. So what do I do? I honestly never know, I just deal…just like with everything else in life. Just deal.
Sometimes I get too worried, too stressed, or too drained out…I don’t feel like myself anymore. I get this feeling as if my..my inside..the person I actually am..has been taken away from me. I’m left with this feeling that I can only describe as a cold empty body with no soul. It doesn’t feel right. There is nothing but emptiness. There is no person inside me. There is nothing. There’s where I get the feeling as if I’m not myself, not who I’m suppose to be, etc. If this keeps going for too long, I start missing myself. I start missing the girl who loved behind out taking photos. I miss the girl who could spend hours at the keyboard writing nonstop. I miss the girl who always chatted with her friends and never got annoyed with their stories, no matter how many times I’ve heard them. I miss the girl who is always happy for her friends, instead of getting annoyed that they are like that…the “too happy” state. I start missing myself…..but what can I do about it? But deal.