Silence

Silence

Whenever you look towards me and see a silent girl, you use to think nothing of it (or at least that’s how you made it seem) and you never really took it into consideration or thought that something more could be happening. Now, you look towards me and ask what’s wrong when you face that silent girl. You say I like to talk. You say there’s a difference between being shy and being quiet…and I’m the shy one. You say you will listen to me rant whenever I need to talk to someone and be heard. You say you will be there for me whenever you can. When you see that quiet girl, now, you know there’s something more than just a girl who doesn’t want to talk.

Yes, there’s a million things probably running through my mind when I’m silent. There’s a million memories I have stored away that I never want to forget; sometimes they play on and on, and I can’t help but watch the memories go by. There’s a billion thoughts I would probably tell you; if only, if i knew what words to use.

Some of the things…I don’t know how to explain to you, I wouldn’t know how to describe, and I will never know how to make you understand. I want to tell you. I want to talk to you. I want you to know. I want you to understand. I want you to be there.

But…I just don’t know how….

It’s funny, because I write. I can write for hours and get a million words onto the paper, into my screen, during one session…but I can rarely manage to gather the right words to hold a conversation with you, to tell you all the things you want to know and I want to tell. How is that possible? I don’t get nervous around you. I’m always comfortable. I don’t get butterflies in my stomach. It’s not like that, yet I still get a jumble of thoughts rambling in my head.

I don’t get it….I really don’t. And I’m sorry because of that.

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Dear 16 Yr Old Me…

Dear 16 Yr Old Me…

Do you guys see the description of this category I’ve made? Those long few sentences that practically sums up why I want to start doing this…if I ever have time. I still am not that familiar with this site…nor do I use it that often anymore to want to play around and figure cool things out.

The point of this “Dear 16 Yr Old ME” category/page whatever, is basically to put out little positive messages out there. I’m sure we’ve all seen the videos where a person talks about what she or he wishes someone would have explained to them in the past, told them, or got them to understand. Those videos that are basically answering the question: “If you could give your old self advice, what would you say?” I don’t know why it’s always the 16 year mark, but it’s what’s normal.

For this category/page, I want to do basically that – answering the question – but for..the person I was last week, a couple months ago or last year. We change all the time. We are constantly growing, and we do learn new things almost every day and have different ways of thinking every few months, right?

I will try to leave out all the bits and pieces of way too personal details of my life, but still have enough for someone to understand what I’m talking about.

Wish me luck! 🙂

Missing Myself

Missing Myself

I was just reading a part of a post from openyoureyes145.wordpress.com and got to the part where she said she does not miss herself anymore because most of herself is back. That made me think about how I’ve been the past year or so. After this very painful part in my life a year ago, I felt like I lost myself back in the place i was forced to leave. I lost everything I felt was important to me. My friends, weren’t allowed to contact them. My position/job/responsibilities, I had to leave it all behind. My life, it seemed as if there was nothing left of it to keep pushing forward for.

I was at the point where I didn’t know what to do with myself anymore. I went to this place every day, like I was suppose to, but it was never just right like it use to be. It was never what I called the other place as: home. But I guess that’s what happens when you get attached to one place, one group of people, etc. and then are forced to leave everything behind for “a new and better life”.

I didn’t know what was so great about this “new life” they were giving me. It all just felt like pain; pain from the missing whole in my life where my friends use to take up, pain from the time and effort spent on my responsibilities there, and pain from…not knowing who I was anymore. I didn’t know who I was, and they said this will all be for the best? i didn’t get it. I just didn’t.

I missed my old life terribly. I missed everything about it. Most importantly, I missed the person I was when I had everything there. It had taken a lot of time for me to stop being a shy girl, and instead go out and do what I want/can. It had taken a lot of time for me to get enough courage to be me. Then they took me and told me: start over. They put me in this new place with total strangers, with scary people and with strict rules. Of course I missed what I use to have.

And, yes, I missed myself. I wasn’t able to do all the things I love, like photography and writing. I wasn’t able to take care of my friends like I use to. I felt like I had abandoned them. I felt terrible. I wasn’t able to relax, always feeling as if I was watched. I wasn’t able to…be me.

But now, a year or so has passed, and I’m beginning to feel like the old me. I have for a while now, gotten back on track and getting back to my old self, I just hadn’t realized it. I’m back behind the lens, back at the keyboard, back…being who I loved being. Missing myself isn’t always a feeling I have. But when I do get really depressed, the feeling is suddenly back. So what do I do? I honestly never know, I just deal…just like with everything else in life. Just deal.

Sometimes I get too worried, too stressed, or too drained out…I don’t feel like myself anymore. I get this feeling as if my..my inside..the person I actually am..has been taken away from me. I’m left with this feeling that I can only describe as a cold empty body with no soul. It doesn’t feel right. There is nothing but emptiness. There is no person inside me. There is nothing. There’s where I get the feeling as if I’m not myself, not who I’m suppose to be, etc. If this keeps going for too long, I start missing myself. I start missing the girl who loved behind out taking photos. I miss the girl who could spend hours at the keyboard writing nonstop. I miss the girl who always chatted with her friends and never got annoyed with their stories, no matter how many times I’ve heard them. I miss the girl who is always happy for her friends, instead of getting annoyed that they are like that…the “too happy” state. I start missing myself…..but what can I do about it? But deal.

Who Am I?

Who Am I?

I’m an artist. I’m a photographer. I’m a writer. I’m a sibling. I’m a sister. I’m a daughter. I’m a friend. I’m a classmate. I’m a peer. I’m a relative. I’m…me. I’m someone who’s there for their friends. I’m someone who wants to be the person who helps, but isn’t always the one who’s doing right. I’m someone who has come to that point in life to decide many things. I’m someone who wants to make a difference in this world. I’m someone who wants to make a difference in people’s lives. I’m someone who loves their friends, family and life…but maybe not as much when life is going downhill. I’m someone who loves photography, who loves arts, who finds passion and peace of mind in their work.

I’m many things and many different kinds of people mashed into one. That’s just a part of who I am. I know that part. That’s the part..the things I can say without society’s remarks, without my expectations being there to cloud my mind, without a second thought of what anyone would think. That’s who I am as of right now. That’s who I’m proud to be.

There are also some things that describe me that I’m not to proud of. Someone might say I’m nosy when it comes to caring about my friends’ business. Someone might say I’m too naive. Someone may say I don’t work hard enough, don’t stay focus for long enough or aren’t mature enough for my age. Someone may say I can’t tell right from wrong, that I care too much or that I worry about others more than i should. These things aren’t exactly things I’m afraid of saying, but they aren’t things I’m totally proud of saying either. I’m fine with how I care about others and how I treat people, personally I am. But it’s how others comment and how others see that trait themselves that makes me weary of whether it’s a good thing or a bad thing.

This is where society, expectations, etc. come to play. They twist these..these…these…these scenarios into our mind and make us think we have to achieve that or else we aren’t “good enough”, “worthy” or “someone to take seriously” even. These scenarios make us look down on certain fields from a young age and look up at fields from day one. Take the medical field for example. What family doesn’t want their child to become this successful doctor, curing patients all over the world? Going to college a little closer to home, or going someone farther away. Depending on what kind of family you’ve grown up in, you might have been persuaded to think one or the other is better. Which parents don’t want their child to stay close to home? Or what family doesn’t want their little bird to fly out of the nest and experience the world on their own terms…get that experience of a lifetime?

We then take these children and push them to choose their path in life. What do you want to do? Where do you want to go? We tell them to make the choice on their own, to follow their dreams, to do what makes them happy….but do all of the parents really mean that? Or are they think they are subtly pushing their child onto a certain path even when it’s bluntly put out there? Are they making their child to take a route they dreamed of going on themselves, and pressuring them to “do the right thing” or “take the easier route”?

For the people out there who ARE deciding on your future:

Listen to your heart. Remember that first paragraph I wrote on who I am? That’s who I think I am without the thought of anything else. That’s who I want to stay and keep being. I want to make everyone else happy too, but I want to make myself happy as well. I know it’s not easy going against someone who say they know the best for you, but in the end it’s going to be your life and the person you’ll be. If you still don’t know or are struggling to erase what everyone else has been saying about the path you should take, then try what I did. Think “Who am I?” and just answer it with what you know. Your answer might be that you’re an actor/actress, you’re a doctor, you’re a accountant, etc. You might say that you’re a friend, relative, sister/brother, etc. You might say that you’re someone who wants to help people, stay away from home, travel, etc. Whatever it may be, you already know. You might not know what you want to be for the rest of your life, or who you will be in the next five years, but at least you know who you are now. That’s what matters. You have to start from somewhere, right?

Life…Is Cruel

Life…Is Cruel

Why do you keep attacking me these phases of Sudden Sadness? Is it that not being sad nor happy is not normal? Is it that I shouldn’t be able to just feel nothing for once?

Constant Pain doesn’t help anyone.  He doesn’t do anything but cause pain. His presence is so persistent that so many people are use to walking around with him, having him by their side, and dealing with him even without their knowledge. Why? Why does he have to be a part of so many people’s lives?

Same with her. Why does she always appear when everything’s perfectly fine? Sudden Sadness doesn’t do anything. She shouldn’t exist. But I guess it just works that way, huh. Once you get use to him, she appears. They walk hand in hand. Sometimes they’re both there, without your knowledge, and other times they are working behind the currents.

No matter what you do. They’re still there. They’re there own person. Fighting them, is fighting two people. They might be behind the current, invisible to the eye, or torturing the heart. Point is, they’re there and they have their own minds.

Sometimes, they agree. They come together for a common cause. This just makes the victim’s life that much harder. But there are times where they disagree. Then they start battling one another. This makes much pain and sadness as well. Constant Pain piles on with pain from the sadness that battles it. Sudden Sadness gets covered with more and more sadness from the pain that is in so much pain.

When they agree, you’re fighting them both head on…or trying to. When they’re battling each other, you’re stuck in the middle. You’re trying to get the fighting to stop and cease, battling them both to hold them at bay. They’re trying to get at each other, but you still get hurt no matter whether you stand by and watch or get involved and endure the kicks and punches delivered.

Life, why did you have to create two people who do so much damage…so much pain…so much sadness…so much torture? Why does so much hurt have to exist in you? In Life?

Dear Life…

Dear Life…

I know you can never be perfect. I know that. You will never be the way I want you to be. You will never change, just because I want you to. I understand that. But then…why do I still have hope when my friend is lost in this everlasting sadness of darkness and despair because of this realization?

I’m never the one who has hope. Do I even have hope in the first place? I don’t know. But I hate seeing my friend in so much pain, change and then stay the same because of you. You’ve hurt too many people with Sudden Sadness and Constant Pain. I know it’s bad to say that I wish they would disappear and go away, since they are apart of you, but I can’t say that I don’t.

i see him walking. I can see the sadness hidden behind his eyes, the dark clouds of depression following close behind, and the marks of the scars of hurt and pain he once had to deal with. I can see the weights that lie on his shoulders, I can see the disappointment that stays in his heart…and I can see your death glare as he tries and tries to make your pain marks disappear.

I don’t want him to change. i want you to change. If it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t be in a mess like this. He would’ve been the person he was. He would’ve been a lot happier growing up. He would’ve been the best person he can possibly be. We all “could have been” if it weren’t for your messy plays and messed up plans. Why do you put people through pain? Why do you make so many people hurt? Why is there a such thing as death? Why is there a such thing as life?

Dear Life,

You’ve disappointed me for the last time. I’m done expecting anything from you. I’m done having hope that you’ll change. I’m done wishing you were different. I’m done trying so hard to change you and make you right.