Great….

Great….

I know we don’t talk much anymore. I’m sorry. It’s like we’re both busy now.

I know we never know what to say when we have the time. I’m sorry. It’s like we don’t trust each other now.

I know we get caught up in our own lives. I’m sorry. It’s like we’ve found more important things.

I know we can’t see each other right now. I’m sorry. It’s like we can never find the time to hang out.

I know we shouldn’t push each other away. I’m sorry. It’s like we don’t know anything else to do.

I know we couldn’t done this back then. I’m sorry. It’s like too many things have changed.

Yeah…we’re both ‘busy’ now. Yet I constantly find myself lying in bed trying to stop the memories of you from replying themselves in my head like a broken record. Yet I know you are sitting at home for hours without something to do. Yeah…we’re both super ‘busy’ now.

We don’t trust each other now. Yet I constantly find myself wanting to tell you so much about my life, my feelings and my day. Yeah…we don’t trust each other now.

We’ve found more important things. Yet I constantly find myself wanting to be by your side while I’m occupied with something else. Yeah…we’ve found more important things.

Yeah…we can never find enough time. Yet I constantly looking for something to do. Yet I know you’re doing the same for more hours of the day. Yeah…we can never find enough time.

We don’t know anything else to do. Yet we knew better back then….what changed?

Too many things changed…but we haven’t?

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Wanted To Help

Wanted To Help

When you’re silent, when you ignore me, when you act like I’m nobody, when you don’t understand how worried I get, when you don’t see how much I care, when you avoid my gaze, when you shut me out…I care. It’s not like everyone else. I’ve been in this position a thousand, a million, a billion times before, yet it’s different because it’s with you.

When you’re silent, when you ignore me, when you act like I’m nobody, when you don’t understand how worried I get, when you don’t see how much I care, when you avoid my gaze, when you shut me out…I see it as a punishment. When I don’t know why you’re doing it…I see it as a punishment for something I don’t know I did. The sudden disturbance within the happy world I had been surrounded in, is a red flag that I did something wrong.

Please don’t abuse this power.

When this happens…my heart aches, my brain gets filled with unknown question yearning for answers, my stomach feels sick and my mind just won’t rest thinking at a sprint for hours at a time. I hate seeing you so down, so hurt, so broken, and not be able to do anything. I hate knowing that it’s my fault. I hate not knowing what I can do to make it all better, for you. I hate the missing feeling of the presence of you when you’re happy and uplifting.

I know it’s selfish to want you happy every second of every day, but I sorta do. I don’t want to see you upset, to see you down, to see you cry. Yes, I don’t want to see you in pain but I’d rather see it and be able to do something than not see it and think it doesn’t exist. So please, do me a favor. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what I can do. Tell me what you need and I’ll get it to you. I want to help in every way I can. Please, do me this favor.

Or is it too much to ask?

I Miss You

I Miss You

Yes, I wish things were different.

I’m walking out of the library with my friend and it happens to be the same time you walk in. I see you. I have an understanding that I was noticed too. But you don’t greet me, and I don’t dare to say hi to you with your girlfriend right there.

We’re walking outside talking. It’s been a great hour or so. I felt like I had my best friend back at my side. You suddenly part ways to go greet her. I don’t dare say anything but ‘bye’. I see that hesitation before you leave sometimes (it’s very rare, but still there), like you don’t want to hurt me or disappoint me…but at the same time you do every time.

Suddenly, I’m sitting at lunch alone. I look around and flashes of the past come hurling through my thoughts: the times where we spent lunch together, when we talked and we kept each other company when everyone else disappeared to their own little worlds.

I walk away from the spot and when I look back you’re suddenly there with her. I don’t dare walk over even though you are the one who abandoned me, not the other way around. My stuff is there. I don’t dare say anything when I end up having to walk by you to grab it. Sometimes I purposefully leave early because I know I’ll feel less noticed and less of a hassle if you’re occupied with her. When you notice me, when she does, I don’t dare say anything but ‘bye’ and get away from there as fast as I can.

I’m standing alone where I once had my friends surrounding me. Suddenly everyone had disappeared. I look over I see you and her. I don’t dare to go over and bother you two. You look so happy. I’m happy for you. I am. If I ever say anything, if I dare go over there, it’s to say ‘bye’.

Yes, I wish things were different.

I don’t dare say ‘hi’ when we pass with her by your side. I don’t dare continue the conversation as you disperse to her side. I don’t dare interrupt and bother you when you’re together. I don’t dare go over and say ‘hi’ when I wish I had company. I don’t dare ask you to leave her. I don’t dare tear your attention away from her. I don’t dare to even look her in the eye. I don’t dare to ask you to hold me when I want to break down. I don’t dare say anything but ‘bye’. I don’t dare say ‘I miss you’ a million of times.

Yes, I wish things were different.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you happy. Don’t overlook this little saying, I don’t want to tear you two apart. Don’t tell me you’re there for me, when you’re always leaving me behind. Don’t ask me to be strong, when you aren’t there to tell me why. Don’t expect me to be okay, when you’re missing from my life. Don’t worry me today, when you aren’t even planning to stay.

I miss you. I miss my best friend. Sometimes you’re there, sometimes you’re not. I’m starting to not be able to take this. I don’t know where I stand. Who am I to you? ‘Cause you’re my best friend. I miss you.

The Pain Will Subside

The Pain Will Subside

I know you want to hold onto that small piece of hope you still have left in you, but you also have to remember to look at the bigger picture. There is so much out there you still need to look into, look forward to, and work towards to. I know all you feel is pain right now, but you will get through this. You know, somewhere inside of you, you are strong enough to win this battle. You will survive through this hurt and this torturous pain you’ve felt.

Right now you are questioning whether to hold on or to let go. Please remember how much this has all meant to you. Please keep in mind the memories you have always cherished. But never forget the mistake that was made, and the hurt that came with the betrayal of your trust. You as a person, deserve more than you think. Others can realize this, but they can’t see the situation from your shoes. They are not you. They cannot feel the pain you do. They do not treasure the moments you have lived through. They will never understand how you, personally, take life and what this all means to you.

I know you want to look out and grab onto a hand for help. I know you want to ask others for advice and seek some wisdom you thought you never had. But you also know so many things that you are purposefully ignoring. You know how much hurt you feel, yet you want to push that away. You know how much you need to focus on other things, yet you want to stay loyal to this very topic in mind. You know that you will get through this and grow past it, yet you want to hold on and treasure what you think you still have left.

You might feel alone right now. You feel hurt. You feel abandoned. You feel isolated and helpless. I get this. But please keep your head up, please hold on, please try your best to be strong before you want to run away and hide. Before you want to disappear, before you want to hurt yourself, before you want to get away from everyone you love, please remember who you are. You’re a very strong individual. You are independent. You will get through this. The pain you feel will go away with time. The hurt thrown your way will disappear with time. The hurt will vanish. The pain will subside.

Please Help Us Understand

Please Help Us Understand

People can’t read minds. Some people can’t even read signs. Others haven’t learned to read words.

When a person is saying one, and then the opposite the next minute…it gets confusing, especially when that person keeps jumping back and forth from one saying to the other. I mean…can you make up your mind before you open your mouth and start confusing everyone else? I know it might not be an intention you have, to confuse the heck out of the people you love, but it is often what ends up happening.

People don’t know what you’re thinking. People don’t know what you’re feeling. People don’t know you (most of the time).

When you’re getting this confusing and won’t even bother to explain where you are coming from, it gets frustrating as well as annoying. All we’re trying to do is get an understanding of what’s going on, if we don’t have one, and you’re making it that much harder to figure out by hiding all this stuff behind walls. I know it’s a thing to hide stuff and keep your walls up now, but can’t you find a way to let down your guard….for the sake of another?

Hey…

Hey…

I looked over at you and wonder:

Why aren’t you smiling?

Why aren’t you laughing?

Why aren’t you happy?

Why aren’t you….you?

Then I remember that I don’t smile a lot of the times, I don’t laugh much and I’m rarely “happy” anymore. But that’s me. That’s not you. You’re always happy, you’re always smiling and you’re always laughing. That’s who you are. But…you weren’t. Why?

I looked over at you and it nearly broke my heart. I don’t like seeing you like that. i don’t like knowing that you’re upset. I don’t like knowing that you’re in pain. I don’t like seeing that you…aren’t you, even if it’s just for that moment.