I Miss You

I Miss You

Yes, I wish things were different.

I’m walking out of the library with my friend and it happens to be the same time you walk in. I see you. I have an understanding that I was noticed too. But you don’t greet me, and I don’t dare to say hi to you with your girlfriend right there.

We’re walking outside talking. It’s been a great hour or so. I felt like I had my best friend back at my side. You suddenly part ways to go greet her. I don’t dare say anything but ‘bye’. I see that hesitation before you leave sometimes (it’s very rare, but still there), like you don’t want to hurt me or disappoint me…but at the same time you do every time.

Suddenly, I’m sitting at lunch alone. I look around and flashes of the past come hurling through my thoughts: the times where we spent lunch together, when we talked and we kept each other company when everyone else disappeared to their own little worlds.

I walk away from the spot and when I look back you’re suddenly there with her. I don’t dare walk over even though you are the one who abandoned me, not the other way around. My stuff is there. I don’t dare say anything when I end up having to walk by you to grab it. Sometimes I purposefully leave early because I know I’ll feel less noticed and less of a hassle if you’re occupied with her. When you notice me, when she does, I don’t dare say anything but ‘bye’ and get away from there as fast as I can.

I’m standing alone where I once had my friends surrounding me. Suddenly everyone had disappeared. I look over I see you and her. I don’t dare to go over and bother you two. You look so happy. I’m happy for you. I am. If I ever say anything, if I dare go over there, it’s to say ‘bye’.

Yes, I wish things were different.

I don’t dare say ‘hi’ when we pass with her by your side. I don’t dare continue the conversation as you disperse to her side. I don’t dare interrupt and bother you when you’re together. I don’t dare go over and say ‘hi’ when I wish I had company. I don’t dare ask you to leave her. I don’t dare tear your attention away from her. I don’t dare to even look her in the eye. I don’t dare to ask you to hold me when I want to break down. I don’t dare say anything but ‘bye’. I don’t dare say ‘I miss you’ a million of times.

Yes, I wish things were different.

Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you happy. Don’t overlook this little saying, I don’t want to tear you two apart. Don’t tell me you’re there for me, when you’re always leaving me behind. Don’t ask me to be strong, when you aren’t there to tell me why. Don’t expect me to be okay, when you’re missing from my life. Don’t worry me today, when you aren’t even planning to stay.

I miss you. I miss my best friend. Sometimes you’re there, sometimes you’re not. I’m starting to not be able to take this. I don’t know where I stand. Who am I to you? ‘Cause you’re my best friend. I miss you.


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