Feelings are intriguing to me. They can be the most beautiful and innocent thing, but also the most dark and dangerous. It can kill you and it can also save you and bring you light. It can be what makes you strong and powerful or the most weak you’ve ever been. They can be used to wreck others or to boost them up. They can cause chaos and hell or be the gateway to this other world people only dream of. It’s the cause to a lot of destruction yet it builds up a world that is so amazing.
I’ve lived my whole life not knowing who to trust, which statements were actually meant and not a bunch of fluff, etc. I’ve lived my whole life knowing that people were using me, and being nice to me, just to get to my parents and get on their ‘good side’. (Of course my parents knew better, but it never stopped those actors who came around) I’ve lived my whole life getting pushed around, getting beaten up (both mentally and physically), getting told what to do and what not to do, facing consequences that had nothing to do with me in the first place, and constantly getting betrayed, backstabbed and left over…some things I still don’t fully understand.
So I grew up isolated. After a few years, I was tired of getting hurt and having so much hope to get treated better. So, in that small little mind of mine, I decided to shut myself off from people, from everything. The people I cared about, turned away from me. The people I wanted to get to know, pushed me aside. The people I stood by and defended, soon stabbed me in the back. The people I thought I could trust, soon showed me I was wrong.
After this, I was done. I soon found out I could shut off the emotions I felt. So, I did. I never learned what it was like to actually trust someone until later in life. Right from the start, I was taught to not believe people’s kind acts and soothing words. Right from the start, I was taught to put up my guard and never let it down. Right from the start, I was taught that blood doesn’t always mean family and family doesn’t always mean blood. (Well..actually I learned that part a longg time later)
It’s been a couple years. I’ve grown up. I’ve been through worse pains that I never could have imagined when I was little. I’ve had to dealt with the realities of some of the dreams I use to have. I’ve went through loosing people, hurting people, disappointments, drama, etc. I don’t know how much more I can take. Honestly. I really don’t know, how much more I can take.
Throughout the past year or two, I’ve had my breakdowns. I’ve had times where I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know where I was wanted, what I was needed for, why I was where I was. And each time I had something big happen, someone was there for me. Somehow, through all the pain I went through, someone appeared to me in the darkness and brought light to guide me the way. But…not every person had achieved success on guiding me out of the dark (not for a very long period of time anyways). The darkness around me has always been around me. Somehow, it’s in me now too. It’s grown. It’s gotten stronger. I admit I have too, but it’s still there.
Every time something happens, a soldier comes. I’m always really glad (after the questioning of their intentions, after the inspecting every action, after the doubting and hesitation). I’m happy to see someone. Someone’s hand is reaching for me, trying to help me, etc.
Through my experiences with this, I’ve found myself to be attracted to this kindness these people show me. They are genuine. They are real. They have a heart, to help and to be humane.
Right now, I’m finding myself falling for someone. No, it’s not even that. I’ve liked the person before they knew more about me then anyone else, before they were trying to help me and be there for me, because it was before we really got to know each other. I liked him.
We met during a time where nothing was happening in my life. Everything seemed perfect at the time already. I was happy. I was myself. I was me. And we met.
There was already something about him that drew me in. His presence, his voice, his vibe.
So I know I hadn’t fallen for the fact that he has been there for me throughout countless numbers of events during the past year. I know I hadn’t fallen for the kindness of him just being there. I love every aspect of him. I love how he’s stubborn at times. I love how he would do anything to keep his friends happy. I love how he isn’t scared to tell someone the truth, whether it’s something they would like to hear or not. I love how he will keep silent, but still be there. I love how he will watch over everyone, even when it’s the hardest job he’s had to face. I love how he can be depended on. I love how he takes care of people. I love how he’s annoyingly stupid at times. I love how he likes to get attention but always saves the spotlight for someone else who wants it. I love how I can be myself around him. I love how he understands me and gets me. I love it how he watches and listens and finds out for himself, rather than ask and forget and have someone else do the work to get to know someone.
I know I haven’t fallen for the fact that he’s always been there for me. His character. His…person. Him.
I look back from time to time and wonder what would have happened, what would have become of me, the people around me, or our lives in general if something hadn’t happened the way it did. What if the one thing I wished had happened, really did? I look back to the last few years and sometimes try to come up with all these weird/awesome turnouts that could have occurred.
We all wish, from time to time, for something in our lives to be different. Let’s be honest. A lot of the times, life just doesn’t seem that amazing as it does it our heads. Our dreams, our fantasies, etc. are always these amazing outcomes, these dramatic, romantic, or silly situations that always somehow fix themselves magically and easily. They are these one-in-a-lifetime kind of experiences that we only read in books or see in movies, that we want to live ourselves.
I do this all the time. I’ve wondered if all the drama, that came with my old friend coming back into my life, would’ve been easier to handle if I hadn’t let them return to me. I’ve wondered if the relationships around me would have started the way they did, or the couples would’ve come together in the pairs that they have, if I had appeared a little bit earlier in everyone’s lives. I’ve wondered where I would be in my life right now if I hadn’t moved schools and left everything I once knew back at my old place.
Honestly? I’ve been curious about a lot of ‘what if’s. I turn a lot of past situations around in my head and play them out the way I would have wanted them to have happened. But it doesn’t mean I would go back and change everything. Yes, I have wanted to go back and change a lot of things but all of that was only because I was not happy with where I have come and what I had to go through, deal with, etc. to get there. I was not satisfied. But with time, I learned that everything I had to put up with have served their purpose.
There are a lot of aspects of my life that would not have turned out the way they have, if current events hadn’t played the way they did. I would have never met the friends I hold close at heart today if I had not left the ones I use to play with. I would have never seen all the possibilities at this new place if I had not learned to deal with the circumstances I found myself in.
My life might not have turned out this way if things had happened differently for me in the past. I, myself, wouldn’t have turned out this way if I hadn’t gone through the things I did. I might be that proud of every single thing that has happened, that I’ve done, etc. throughout my life, but they have brought me to where I am today. The things I’ve gone through built me up to who I am today. I might not be super proud of how I got here, but I got here. I did it.
He’s sitting at the top of his tree. A perfect outlook on the city below. Stunning. Breathtaking. Indescribable. But not good enough. He has his notebook on his lap, his pencil in his hand. He has his camera around his neck, his bag behind him on the rail.
He looks out, lonely. He’s sad. He yearns for a familiarity. He wants to leave. He wants to go. But he can’t. His heart has gone somewhere else, his mind always trying to follow. He knows it’s there…this place his body yearns for. But there’s also something here.
He doesn’t want to miss out. He doesn’t want to regret his adventure. He wants to stay until he finds what he’s looking for. Then he’d leave, feeling satisfied. But when will that be?
“Hey…” A gentle voice comes from behind him as a hand in placed on his shoulder. “Are you okay?”
He cracks a small smile, patting the hand. He is suppose to be fine. He is suppose to be enjoying his life. He is suppose to be out and about. But he can’t move. He doesn’t have energy. He doesn’t want to be there.
Slowly, he gets down and follows footsteps back inside with his things. He sets them down, staring at the master bedroom he saved for his masterpieces. They’re suppose to be beautiful…but he never sees it anymore.
He knows there’s something there he’s missing.
Ding! The door opens. Junior walks inside. The golden mirrors reflect on either side of him, a beautiful glass side standing in front. He turns to press the button, still deciding whether to just return to his car and leave. But the door closes before he can. Floor 65.
“Great…they had to pick the top floor.” He mumbles under his breathe. Strange…because the room was empty.
Ding! The doors open as he reached the back corner. He turns, his jade green eyes looking beyond his messy hazel hair. There was no one there. No one had entered. The doors close once again.
He rolls his eyes and brushes his hair back. He wears his headphones around his neck, softly playing his music. His favorite green jacket hung from one shoulder, it being too hot to put it on. His brown shirt hung closely to his fit body, showing just the slightest glimpse of his six pack. It hung down to his pockets, slightly covering his wrists when he shoved his hand in.
He sighed. Floor 20. Only floor 20.
He started tapping his midnight black shoes. He started tapping his fingers on the railing. He started staring blankly at the ceiling. Obviously bored. Obviously tired.
Ding! Grrr another stop…A lady walked in. Her trench coat reached her knees. Her dress somewhere above. Her heels were as high as they can be. He wondered how she managed to even be standing. She looked so pose and perfect. He didn’t get why girls dresses so funny.
When she turned, she smiled at his presence but stayed where she was. She continued to stare at the door, holding her small tiny purse out in front of her. Junior didn’t get make up either. He had saw the red stain on her lips, the fake lashes pointing out from her lids, the peach blush covering more of her face than it should. Why did girls go through all that trouble for…what? It didn’t make them look better. He’d rather them paint on a canvas than their faces.
Ding! Just when he was about to comment on her appearance, the door opened and the chance was lost. He wasn’t disappointed, but now slightly annoyed.
As he looked up, the red light flashed 53. Floor 54, 55, 56, 57…
He was almost there.
Ding! Floor 60. He was going to get out and take the stairs.
Ding! Floor 65. Finally.
He got out and met his friends.
Tell you something most people don’t know about me. What don’t people know about me?
That sentence. That question. I don’t really have an answer to. In my opinion, I’m more open than I would like to be. People can read me from right to left, and left to right. My facial expressions, my body language, how I treat you or other people, etc. are all legible. They are neat. They are nicely written. Sometimes they aren’t, sometimes I rush and scribble, but they are still legible. A lot of the times I don’t want to be this ‘open book’ but I end up being just that.
If you spend the time to pay attention to me, you’ll find out that I’m easy to read. I think it’s like that with everyone. If you spend time and actually put out the effort, a person cannot be that difficult to understand. Yes, people are different. We have our own ways of thinking that others might not fully understand, but you basically get the gist of it.
On the outside, to everyone who just sees me a couple times, I dress in darker colors. I’m usually alone. I walk sort of faster than normal. I know where I want to go, I know where I need to be, I know where I’m heading to. A lot of the times I have my camera, or a project I’m working on with me. Maybe that makes me look studious or something. You tell me.
These people would see me with my friends. Usually I’m pretty quiet and there are many, many times where I am absolutely silent but there are also times where I am loud and hyper and energetic. I hang out with my boys. I smile a lot with my girls and we joke around a lot. I mess around with the boys and we “play fight” all the time. Maybe that makes me seem outgoing…but I’ve never considered myself as that.
In the circle, my friends, I’m caring; I know that for sure. I’m seen as smart; sometimes, most of the time, I don’t get this. One of my boys says this all the time: You aren’t shy, you’re just quiet. Which I see as true. I’m not that shy girl I use to be, now I’m just quiet. One of my girls say that I’m understanding, that I’ve been through a lot, etc. All that fun stuff. These people get me..for the most part. They are my friends. They are the family I chose. But there is always that one person, or those few people, who know you the best.
To them…they see more than I even think sometimes. They see the tears that haven’t even fallen from my eyes. They see the sadness that suddenly appears in the middle of my joyful laughs and large smiles. They see the change in how I walk when I’m bothered by something. They can tell when I don’t want to talk about ‘it’ or when I want to just left alone. They can tell when I’m stressed, when I’m depressed, etc. by the slightest change in my behavior. These are things others don’t see. They don’t know me enough to, sort of.
There are these people who know me from right to left, and left to right. Sometimes I just feel a little too transparent in front of them. I feel very vulnerable when it comes to them. But even then, I know that there are still parts of me that they don’t know. There are still aspects of me they don’t quite understand or can make any sense of.
I guess this is the same with everyone. There are the people who just pass you by and “know” you from what they see, there are the people who know you but don’t know “enough” to completely know, and there are the people who are just missing some bits and pieces to completely the puzzle.
I just hope I have the right people in the right categories.
She walked into the building, glass door swinging closed behind her. Her black shinning hair glistened under the bright white lights from above. Her blue highlights flowed in and out of her black roots beautifully with each and every long stride. She walked with confidence. She had her head up, her shoulders back, and her arms swinging lightly by her sides. Her boots clicked on the ground, her bracelets jingled as they bumped into each other, her messenger bag bumped against her thigh.
She entered a room on the fourth floor. The white curtains caught her attention. The dark carpet flooring, the black coaches, the oak tables and cabinets were beautifully placed around the space. She placed her bag down next to her and then left the room with lock and key.
She walked back to the elevator. Up to the top floor it was.
A few floors up, the door dinged open. Another girl walked in. The girl stopped after stepping in and looked directly at her. The brown eyes attempted to suck the life out of her, but failed. She was annoyed, not scared. She was upset, not frightful. She was ready to fight, not back down with fear.
“How’ve you been?” The girl asked, going to stand at the opposite corner.
“Good. What about you?” She asked politely.
“Been good.” The girl stated, emotionless, as always.
“What’s the matter?” The girl soon asked, after a few seconds of silence passed, “You don’t seem so happy to see me.”
“I’m just tired. I have a lot going on right now.” She told her, emotionless.
The girl studied her. She knew….
“You seem fine.” The girl stated.
“Not everything meets the eye.” She pointed out, then mumbled, “…especially when it comes to you.”
“What do you mean?” The girl asked, obviously had heard the comment.
“What? Are you going to brush everything off like before? You can’t do something and not own up to it.” The girl stated.
She turned and glared. “I didn’t brush anything off back then. You were the one who didn’t feel like making an effort to keep anything together.”
“Don’t blame that whole thing on me.”
“I’m not.” “But who was it who lied to everyone? Who hide their criminal record from their best friends? Who tried to take someone’s life? Who threatened people to keep their mouths shut?” “You did.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Eyes darted away.
“You know exactly what I’m talking about.” She spat. “You’re the one who can’t own up to what you’ve done.”
The girl whipped around, death sparkling in her eyes, “What about you? You lied to your parents. You hide things from everyone when you knew the truth.”
“So you admit it’s the truth. You did all that crap.”
“You aren’t all innocent either.” The girl ignored her comment.
“Yeah. I’m not all ‘innocent’ either.” She rolled her eyes. “I tried to protect you against all the people who threw trash your way. I tried to defend you against all the people who wanted to bring you down. I tried to bring your positive aspects to the light when all everyone focused on was the things you happened to do wrong. You know why? Because I knew, I know what it’s like to have everyone focus on everything bad you’ve done and completely ignore all your efforts to do something good or all the good you’ve actually done. I tried to stand up for you. I stood up for you. I stood by your side. I defended you. I protected you.”
There was an odd silence that was familiar to her. She ignored it. No matter how ‘at home’ it felt, it wasn’t the home she wanted to be apart of. Not anymore.
“But after all of that, you turned your back on me.” She continued. “You walked away. From me. From your friends. From Sarah. From Stephanie. From Alex. From everyone. You left them. You left us. After everything we’ve done for you.”
“But I’m done.” She stated coldly. “I’m done playing puppet. I’m done with the mind games. I’m done with trying to control people. I’m done with getting revenge. I’m done with the games. I’m done with your kingdom. Yeah, I wasn’t very happy to see you today. That’s because you have no right to walk into my life anymore. You walked out and abandoned everything, so you don’t have the right to come back acting like nothing happened. This isn’t five years ago. We aren’t kids.”
The door opened at the top floor.
“I defended you once. I stood by your side and fought with you against everyone and everything. But I’m done now.” She said walking out the door. “I’m better than that.”
At the end of the day, she walked back into the elevator to go home.
The door dinged open once again. Another familiar face walked in. He avoided eye contact.
“Hi.” She said.
“Hey…” He quietly replied.
“How have you been?”
“How have you been?” He asked, several seconds later.
“Busy. I have a lot going on right now with classes and projects and…everything. There’s so much to do, just not enough time to get it all done.”
“I know how you feel.” He mustered out a little chuckle. “How is everyone?”
“Been good I guess. I don’t talk to everyone that often but I check in every now and then.”
“That’s good.” He said with a small smile. “I don’t get to talk to any of them at all. Everyone is always so busy, and so far out of reach.”
She sighed, “If you would come back when we call for our meetings, you would be able to see everyone again. We have a meet every now and then. I always let you know a few weeks ahead of time, but you never come.”
“I don’t have the time to come back here.” He hesitated before saying, “I have a lot going on too.”
“You are always welcomed to come back.” She reminded him.
He had left a while ago to go ‘live his own life’ and ‘find what he is really made of’. He wanted to be out on his own, so when anyone offered to come along he rejected. He blocked out his friends. He didn’t really seem like he wanted his ‘old life’ to mix with his ‘new life’.
She knew he was missing them though. Everything they had gone through together throughout the years. He had thrown it all aside to find something better. But since he hadn’t found anything better, he was realizing that what he had was pretty darn good. He was missed…but he wasn’t ready to swallow his pride to walk back and ask for forgiveness.