When I’m sitting here thinking about my day, or still just walking through it alone, there are countless numbers of times where I want to call him up and talk to him. There are so many times when I want to tell him about something. Whether it was just something I saw, something funny I heard, something interesting that happened, etc. I always want to tell him first. Whether it was that something horrible happened, something upset me, something is stressing me out, etc. I ALWAYS want to tell him first.
But now. When I go to talk to him. There’s this wall; a wall built up high, a wall built so thick and strong, yet not that visible to the eye. It gets in the way. I can’t talk as frequently as I would wish. I can’t tell him as many things as I want to. I can’t spend as much time just…being with him. And I miss that.
I miss so many things about him. I miss the way he looked at me. I miss the way he would hold me. I miss the way he was tease me and how his voice would sound. I miss the way he acted when we were video chatting. I miss the way he would take care of me and look out for me. I miss the way his company, and his presence made feel as if I was safe. I miss the way his arms wrapped around me and made me feel secure.
There are so many things I miss. But just him being in my life! I mean, he’s still here…I guess. But he’s not with me. (If that made sense). It feels as if I’m walking alone again, and I yearn for him to be here with me. I hate thinking that I’ve become dependent on this guy. I hate thinking he’s got a hold on me. I hate the even slightest possibility that he has become like the other people who have walked into my life, tortured it, and then left.
He’s different. To me at least. I don’t think he gets that either. He was one person who was there for me throughout all those tough years. He was the one person who taught me what it was like to be able to trust someone. He was the one person who stuck by me, took care of me and was there when no one else did. He was the person who loved me when I couldn’t even dare to. He’s different. I wish he’d understand that. From my point of view.
He has been the one person I never thought would hurt me. He had been the one person I had total trust in. I never would’ve questioned him. I never would’ve. I never would’ve thought. I never would’ve believed it. I never would’ve guessed it. I don’t think he ever got that. Fully. From my point of view. For me.