I feel as if some things will always just be a messed up lie, no matter how much you rewind it and play it to be true.
I want to believe they still care. I want to believe as if this friendship will work out. I want to believe that they want this to work as much, or even more, than I do. I want to believe everything that they use to say had all been true.
But how much can I trust at this point?
A part of me has thrown everything before the accident into the trash. The fact that that incident happened is proof that whatever happened before was a waste of time. Right? And everything after that has…plainly been painful. I didn’t want to believe there was a huge gaping hole in our relationship, but the more I deny it the more I feel it.
We’ve become distant. We’ve become cold. We’ve become…strangers almost. I hate the feeling that we are drifting apart. I thought somehow this could work. A friendship after everything could survive through this, since it’s been going on for so many years. We’ve been friend for soo many years. Why can’t it survive through THIS?
-sigh- I miss them. I miss the conversation we use to have. I miss the..person I always had there. I miss sharing every bit of life with each other. I miss my best friend. Where is that person now? I don’t know…but I wish things would go back to how they use to be.
But, in reality, I know it’s not going to go back anytime soon. I know there will always be that gap between us for the next chunk of our lives. That hurt. That pain. That suffering we went through will always be there. It will be there until..we both move on and heal from it. Then maybe the mending can continue…or just even start.
I hope this time will come soon. It’s been hard having them in and out of my life for the past years. One minute they’re here and I love it and we’re wonderful. Next we are silent and we have that space in time where we don’t talk. Then they’re back. Then gone just a few minutes later. Then suddenly it’s as if I saw a shadow of them, and I get reminded of them. Later they appear and we’re back. We’re better than ever. But now…I don’t even know whether to describe it as them being gone or here. It’s a bit of both. And it’s torturous.
I don’t know how much more of this I can take </3