I’ve lived my whole life not knowing who to trust, which statements were actually meant and not a bunch of fluff, etc. I’ve lived my whole life knowing that people were using me, and being nice to me, just to get to my parents and get on their ‘good side’. (Of course my parents knew better, but it never stopped those actors who came around) I’ve lived my whole life getting pushed around, getting beaten up (both mentally and physically), getting told what to do and what not to do, facing consequences that had nothing to do with me in the first place, and constantly getting betrayed, backstabbed and left over…some things I still don’t fully understand.
So I grew up isolated. After a few years, I was tired of getting hurt and having so much hope to get treated better. So, in that small little mind of mine, I decided to shut myself off from people, from everything. The people I cared about, turned away from me. The people I wanted to get to know, pushed me aside. The people I stood by and defended, soon stabbed me in the back. The people I thought I could trust, soon showed me I was wrong.
After this, I was done. I soon found out I could shut off the emotions I felt. So, I did. I never learned what it was like to actually trust someone until later in life. Right from the start, I was taught to not believe people’s kind acts and soothing words. Right from the start, I was taught to put up my guard and never let it down. Right from the start, I was taught that blood doesn’t always mean family and family doesn’t always mean blood. (Well..actually I learned that part a longg time later)
It’s been a couple years. I’ve grown up. I’ve been through worse pains that I never could have imagined when I was little. I’ve had to dealt with the realities of some of the dreams I use to have. I’ve went through loosing people, hurting people, disappointments, drama, etc. I don’t know how much more I can take. Honestly. I really don’t know, how much more I can take.
Throughout the past year or two, I’ve had my breakdowns. I’ve had times where I didn’t know myself. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I didn’t know where I was wanted, what I was needed for, why I was where I was. And each time I had something big happen, someone was there for me. Somehow, through all the pain I went through, someone appeared to me in the darkness and brought light to guide me the way. But…not every person had achieved success on guiding me out of the dark (not for a very long period of time anyways). The darkness around me has always been around me. Somehow, it’s in me now too. It’s grown. It’s gotten stronger. I admit I have too, but it’s still there.
Every time something happens, a soldier comes. I’m always really glad (after the questioning of their intentions, after the inspecting every action, after the doubting and hesitation). I’m happy to see someone. Someone’s hand is reaching for me, trying to help me, etc.
Through my experiences with this, I’ve found myself to be attracted to this kindness these people show me. They are genuine. They are real. They have a heart, to help and to be humane.
Right now, I’m finding myself falling for someone. No, it’s not even that. I’ve liked the person before they knew more about me then anyone else, before they were trying to help me and be there for me, because it was before we really got to know each other. I liked him.
We met during a time where nothing was happening in my life. Everything seemed perfect at the time already. I was happy. I was myself. I was me. And we met.
There was already something about him that drew me in. His presence, his voice, his vibe.
So I know I hadn’t fallen for the fact that he has been there for me throughout countless numbers of events during the past year. I know I hadn’t fallen for the kindness of him just being there. I love every aspect of him. I love how he’s stubborn at times. I love how he would do anything to keep his friends happy. I love how he isn’t scared to tell someone the truth, whether it’s something they would like to hear or not. I love how he will keep silent, but still be there. I love how he will watch over everyone, even when it’s the hardest job he’s had to face. I love how he can be depended on. I love how he takes care of people. I love how he’s annoyingly stupid at times. I love how he likes to get attention but always saves the spotlight for someone else who wants it. I love how I can be myself around him. I love how he understands me and gets me. I love it how he watches and listens and finds out for himself, rather than ask and forget and have someone else do the work to get to know someone.
I know I haven’t fallen for the fact that he’s always been there for me. His character. His…person. Him.