Memories you have, good or bad, always want to be returned to. Whether it’s to change what happened with something new or to relive the moment, the days you have in your life are always wanted to be returned to.
For my future, the mystery ahead, there are many pictures that run through my head. I like to seek an adventure. I want to go somewhere far from home. I want to be apart from those who want me to be nothing but tied down to a pole. I want to escape this place, build my own world, and seek a better future than I thought I would ever have under my own control.
For my past, the things I’ve left behind, I will always remember them and cherish them deep in my mind. I’d like to think things have happened for a reason; there isn’t anything I can really do. The past is there and I might forget, but the memories I had are ones I won’t regret. I look back and relive those moments in the past. I look back and question the things that I had. I look around me, the things might not be the same, but I had the chance to do what I want so if things aren’t ‘perfect’ that is my own blame.
Prompt #3: If you could fast forward ahead or rewind backwards to any point in your life…..
I began writing years ago. I honestly don’t even remember how many years I’ve been doing this, but I remember why. I was one of those kids who didn’t have many people to talk to, felt like I couldn’t trust anyone, didn’t know how to express myself so other people could understand, etc. I was one of those people who isolated themselves because they didn’t want to get looked down upon by the others surrounding, laughed at, judged, etc.
Writing became my way of escaping the world around me, and as my way to vent my thoughts and put them down on paper. (Sometimes I didn’t feel as if my thoughts/feelings were actually real until I wrote them down.) I went day by day and wrote something. I wrote about the day I had. I wrote about a feeling, a circumstance, a problem, a conflict, a question, a doubt, etc. I wrote about anything that came to mind.
I also made up these ‘other worlds’ to trap myself in. I wrote about these places where I was confident, brave, smart and courageous. I wrote about a person, putting them as the main character, who resembled the person I wanted to be. I wrote about a place, a situation, or a problem that I wanted to encounter or fix or deal with head on. Writing gave me the power to create things I never would’ve been able to in the ‘real world’.
This was my escape route. Whenever I was dealing with too much at home, or school, I would write. If I was conflicted with feelings, I’d write. If I wanted to talk about something but had no one there, I’d write. Talking to a screen, or myself, always seemed easier than trying to explain things you don’t understand to someone else.
So I wrote. I write. It all began there.
I wasn’t planning on this. Falling in love with you was the last thing I wanted. Because I know our time would have to come to end. Yet, here I am, begging you not to turn the page.
I don’t want to loose you, that I know is true. But I also don’t want to get hurt..because I think I’m falling for you.
There’s so many things that could’ve happened. There were so many things that could have come from this. But somehow life led us to this point. I’m standing here, looking at you, trying to be hand to hand.
I want you to stay, though the doubts are trembling in my mind. I want to have you here with me, though there is so much more to think about. I want for this to happen, though I’m questioning if there is hurt at the end.
We would have never expected this. I didn’t come expecting to fall for someone. But I did. I’m starting to. And now I don’t exactly know what to do.
I’m asking for you to not leave me. I wouldn’t know what I would do. There is so much in this that I want to come true.
Please don’t turn the page. Please don’t let me down. Please don’t let me turn and find that you are never around.
Someone walks into your life and suddenly everything seems brighter, problems seem small, and the hurt or pain seems to disappear. That broken heart of yours starts to mends, the constantly flow of doubts starts to get smaller, and the real smile that never got to come out as much starts to constantly be present. It’s as if that “one day someone is going to hug you so tight that all of your broken pieces will stick back together” has come.
Have you ever known something wasn’t going to last but still wanted to go along for the ride despite knowing the pain that lies at the end?…
Sometimes you just want to go along with something, but still be prepared for the hurt that might come. Other times you want to trick yourself to believe that there isn’t even the possibility of yourself getting hurt.
I’m going to go a little different from what the prompt actually says and just talk about “the artist’s eye” in general.
Being an artist, I know that my personal work will never be perfect in my eyes. But the art I see elsewhere, that’s a different story. My work can always be “made better”. I always end up saying “I could’ve done better” or “I should’ve done ___ instead”. I always doubt myself, no matter what other people say.
That was the reason I hid my work for a very long time. I would write for hours, piling up papers, and cluttering my desktop with icons but never let anyone read it. I would take millions of photographs and never have them printed or see the light beyond the screen.
I thought, “It’s personal. I don’t want to be that vulnerable to people.” and so forth. But then I realized that being vulnerable, and being able to put myself on paper was what made my work…mine. Potentially, I was giving a part of myself to my reader and that’s what made it unique and pure.
In an artist’s eye, there’s beauty in almost everything. In mine, there’s beauty in absolutely everything.
Maybe that’s why we, artists, doubt our own work. We don’t ever think that what we create can measure up to the beauty that’s already in the world. There’s so much out there..how can we add more and still be beautiful ourselves?