All my life I’ve always wanted to please everyone and make him or her proud and happy, but never wanted to feel as if they controlled my life and I couldn’t be myself. Somewhere in that mess of a decade and a half of life, I’ve been doing something in the middle. I’ve been half a$$ing both in a way.
I wanted to please them and make them happy…but I wanted to be myself and get out there and be adventurous.
I felt “wild and free” but also “trapped and enclosed away”.
I was “unique and different” but also “following orders and obeying stereotypes”.
I “expressed my feelings my own way” but always “made it so they would be okay with it”…
I “branched out to find who I truly am” but “remained closed off to the world that surrounded myself daily”
I was somehow in the middle of the two worlds I thought could come together as this beautiful, perfect, harmonic symphony.
But that wasn’t a life that really existed…
I was torn apart in two different paths that I wanted to take. I was pulling myself this way and that to make the world this “better place”.
But nothing came from that…but confusion, and regrets, and ‘what if’s, and ‘I can’t’….
I didn’t know what to do with myself for the longest time, being trapped in the hole I had dug for myself to bury in and hide. I was scared to be different but I wanted to feel alive. I didn’t want them to be mad but I yearned to live up to my own expectations and do the things I had said.
I look around my room and I see bits and pieces of my two worlds combined…I don’t want them to be combined anymore. I want one. But which one?
Will it be the one where I can let loose and feel free? The one where I don’t have to worry about expectations and learn the “better way to live properly” because all I would think about is what made me happy and what made me…me? Will it be the one that sets my mind on fire and makes me want to bring up the dead? Do the impossible?
Will it be the one where I have to sit a certain way because I need to look like a young perfected lady? The one where every move I make is judged harshly by the cold-hearted people who brought me to life? Will it be the one I scream to get out of and have to hold in my emotions and not wiggle or fight? Be trapped and a simple copycat?
Which one will I live? To the fullest?