I sit at my desk and listen; listen to the silence, to the humming of my computer, to the small noises my printer makes. My world is suddenly quiet. Where there use to be chaos and disruption is this silence, not always peaceful. Like how when it rains hard, the loud noises muffle each other out and become “meaningful silence”. Right now, my thoughts are the same.
Without someone here to distract, my thoughts rumble on and on to a nonexistent end. The silence I describe isn’t truly silence, but the muffling noise of every thought that ever wanted to be heard within my small mind. The silence is not peaceful, nor is it relaxing or energizing. It is draining, exhausting, and torturous.
Yearning for a conversation, something meaningful to attach myself to, I look towards what I am passionate about or the assignments I have at hand. But once I have gotten to the point of “silence”, I basically don’t stand a chance to be able to focus on anything at all. My world gets taken over. There is nothing I can do about it.
I just sit, wait, and take it all in.
Thoughts become other thoughts. Images becomes a moving picture of realism. Dreams become nightmares. Tasks become hardships.
An every lasting circle dances through my mind as I try to get through and just survive. I don’t want to break down. I don’t want to crack. All I try to do is live through the “silence” when it attacks.