Wishing and Yearning

Wishing and Yearning

He didn’t know where to go under a cold night’s winter sky. The black horizon shines ahead and small diamonds twinkle above but the only place he wanted to be is next to the person he loved.

There’s a vast land around him. There’s nothing but the beauty of the city lights. There’s nothing but everything that is meaningless to a destination-driven soul.

His eyes searched the borders, looking for the limits to see beyond what trapped him within his own shell. He drove steadily, away from where he wanted to be and yearned to return with every breath it takes. But knowing where he wished to be was not the place he needed to be the most, the travel on forward never ceased to continue.

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Aside

Everyone has heard of the battle scars on people’s arms, legs, face, and body. Everyone knows there is more than what meets the eye, there is more than that scar that lies on the surface of the skin. Everyone has them too, for a scar does not have to be on the outside and visible to everyone to be considered as real.

His Light in My Dark

His Light in My Dark

The silence engulfed me within the darkness as I lied in my empty king-sized bed. My breath was shallow, shaky, and slowly quickening in speed. My hands were trembling; my mind was running busily. I want to feel safe. I want to be okay again… I thought to myself. Message after message, I clicked the little buttons on my phone, the only light source I had, and read to reply mindlessly. I can’t take this anymore. I placed my phone down and focused in on the lights from the city below through my bedside window. The mixed light from the cars, buildings, and streets painted little dots of color onto the black canvas that we call nighttime. Maybe everything will be okay in the end. When I picked up my phone once again, I read the words, “I’m here if you need me, no matter what time. If you need me, don’t be afraid to call me no matter what I am doing. Ok? I’ll answer.”

I’ve heard these words before. These are the words people always say. They are the words of lies. I hadn’t heard this in a while…but it can’t be any different from all the other times…or is it? It has to be different…it has to be. I take a slow and long breath, breathing the cold night air deep within my lungs. Even with all the butterflies that fluttered within and the warm feelings I got, I still had my doubts. When someone randomly comes along and gets you like no other, spends time on you like no one else, puts effort in you when other’s don’t bother, you automatically think something is wrong and expect the worst. I sighed, my breath warming up the icy air in front of me in a foggy smoke cloud, and thought, When is he going to leave…like everyone else who promised they’d stay?

After years of torment, betrayal, regrets and self-punishment, there wasn’t a way to take that leap of faith and trust with my whole heart. But that’s exactly where I found myself. It has to be different. He believed in me when I couldn’t find it possible to believe in myself. He encouraged me and supported me when I had every doubt. He’s different. Before him, I had given up on finding the acceptance and what others said I truly deserve. But he saw beauty in me where I only discovered darkness. I smiled. He proved to me that I could be accepted, even by someone who knew me like the back of his or her hand. He showed me I could have faith in myself, that I can love myself. He did. It was possible for me to do the same.

I clung onto my pillow and blanket; the soft and light fabric silently laid over me. The noisy thoughts in my mind suddenly vanished. My breaths became calmer; my hands shook a little less. I read the words again and again, slightly squinting at the bright light that came from my screen, “I’m here if you need me, no matter what time. If you need me, don’t be afraid to call me no matter what I am doing. Ok? I’ll answer.” I don’t believe it. I read it again, and again, and again. I read the message until it stuck and I believed it to be true.

He cares about me. His words are genuine and true. I can trust him. We’ve gone through so much together. The flaws I see within myself don’t matter beside the beauty he sees in my scars. The mistakes I’ve made and the regrets I have, all the negativity I see within myself don’t come to compare to the light he believes I bring. Everyone always said one who judges themselves will never see as much beauty as when judging someone else. Maybe this was one of those times where I was only harder on myself because I wasn’t looking in from the outside. Maybe it’s possible for me to love myself. Maybe it’s possible for me to see beauty in the things I do and create. Maybe I can believe in myself. Maybe I can chose my own path and be who I am without looking for everyone’s approval. I believed others could find acceptance for themselves. Now it was my turn.

Love You…

Love You…

My heart breaks for you when I see your pain filled eyes. My heart yearns for you when I know how alone you may feel. My heart aches for you when the distance between us is nothing but everything that consumes my thoughts.

I see how you look at her. I see how you react and play it off cool. I see the little things I’m sure you know I notice…because that’s who we are.

I watch you walk around restlessly, unsure what to do next. I watch you contemplate things, your eyes directed at the ground. I watch you light up with joy when she comes around.

I wonder if you do the same when you see me.

I know you watch and read me; you know me like the back of your hand. I know you see the pain in my eyes as I walk through life. Despite that…my heart breaks for you when I see your pain filled eyes. My heart yearns for you when I know how alone you may feel. My heart aches for you when the distance between us is nothing but everything that consumes my thoughts.

I’m not sure what I want from you, but I know of what I want to give you. I want to give you that escape from life you deserve so, so much. I want to give you that break you really need from everything that comes at you from above. I want to give you a reason to smile every day, a reason to laugh, a reason to enjoy your days. I want to give you hope for tomorrow, hope that the pain will end, hope in a better future that will never end.

I want you to be able to look at me and know you are loved. I want you to be able to talk to me, no judgement or hesitation coming to interrupt. I want you to be able to look at your life and be okay. I want you to be able to be happy and carefree just like most were before they turned ten.

I want that life for you that I know you deserve.

I don’t have to be in it. I can watch from afar. I just need to know you’re going to be okay. I just need to know that you’re happy, and not in pain.

I guess all I can really say is…my heart breaks for you when I see your pain filled eyes. My heart yearns for you when I know how alone you may feel. My heart aches for you when the distance between us is nothing but everything that consumes my thoughts.

Always There

Always There

You see me go through thick and thin. You see me stressed, happy, and nervous. You hear of my struggles, my phases, my mood swings. You hear of my pain, my hurt, my sorrow. And you’re always there for me through it all.

You probably don’t know this, but you are apart of that little light that I still see in my life. Your bubbly happiness causes colors to reform into my eyes when all I see are the darkened shades of pain. Your ability to see hope where I think all is lost brings a new meaning to my darkened pain. You probably don’t know this, but you do a lot more for me than you give yourself credit for.

You’ve listened to me when I am down. You’ve comforted me when I was nervous or doubtful. You’ve reassured me when I was scared and full of fear. You’ve been there through all the emotions I’ve allowed myself to feel, without a single spec of judgement in the air.

You’ve seen me when I was down. You’ve seen me when I was happy. You’ve experienced what it was like to see me cry, see me full of joy, see me full of pain. You’ve seen me when I was nervous. You’ve seen me when I was trying not to be angry.

You’ve watched me fall in love. You’ve watched me get my heart torn apart. You’ve watched me chase after my dreams. You’ve watched me hide in a corner full of doubts and fears.

You’ve been there for me through so much. You’ve seen different sides of me that not many others get to see, or even know exist. Yet you love me either way. You’ve seen all the sides of me that are good. You’ve seen that part of me.

Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for walking through it all with me. Thank you for your attempts of picking me up when I fall. Thank you, for being you. You do a lot more than you give yourself credit for. Just keep being you.

Sorry Sweetie

Sorry Sweetie

I’m sorry I need to get reminded that you aren’t leaving.

I’m sorry I need to be reassured that you love me.

I’m sorry I tend to forget you are always there for me no matter what.

I’m sorry I tend to need you a lot more than anyone else…

I look at you and wonder how I got so lucky to have met you. I look at you and I’m grateful that I know you, that you know me. I look at you and I can’t see myself anywhere else but with you.

I’m sorry I tend to forget about all the times you’ve said you’re there for me when my darkness engulfs at my soul.

I’m sorry I tend to need you to hold me when my knees go week and my heart grows old.

I’m sorry I need you to remind me that you aren’t going anywhere.

I’m sorry I need you to reassure me that you love me, no matter what.

Slipped

Slipped

I knew I had a death glare. I had that look in my eyes that meant business. I had that aura around me that told people, who knew how to read it, that I knew what it was like to get hurt and wasn’t afraid of it. I knew what I lead on. I knew I was a threat.

I was on high alert. Everyone and everything got scanned thoroughly. I was not letting my guard down.

Someone said my name. I looked over and saw one of my friends. He looked worried…too worried.

“Are you okay?” He asked.

His girlfriend walked up beside us. I glared at her, hard. She noticed and tensed immediately was scared.

“Get her away from me.” I warned him, bringing my eyes to his.

He held my eyes there for a minute. He didn’t do anything. He didn’t move. He didn’t speak. He just watched and listened. He read me.

Another friend of mine came over from behind me and tugged on my sleeve. I ignored her. She made a cute little growling noise at me to get my attention. I ignored her again. She made it louder. She continued to get ignored. She made it even louder. In return, I turned and growled at her, threateningly. Even for someone who everyone usually feared, she took a step back from me without thinking. It made me proud. I snarled at her again, wanting her to walk away. I was too emotional. I was too edgy.

“Walk away. Please.” I asked of her through my teeth. “Walk.”

She took another step back, fear in her eyes, but didn’t move to walk away.

I couldn’t help but snarl at the hand that was placed on my shoulder. I turned and saw him standing in front of me. I didn’t know why but I felt pure anger and hatred for everyone I set my eyes on. I felt threatened.

“Calm down…” He told me. I snarled at him.

I flexed my arms. It took too much effort to not punch something…or, even worse, someone. I felt someone come from behind me and hold my arms to my back. I struggled to get free, but I continued you to try.

Seconds at a time, I felt myself return to normal. But the demons within would not give me a break. They fought hard. I fought too. But I was losing.

“Look at me.” He told me. I felt a finger on my chin.

I turned away. “Get her to look at me.” He told the person holding me.

The person took a step back and made me to the same.

“Look at me.” He used a little more force this time.

My eyes met his. I knew I had pure anger and hatred within my own. I could only see worry and concern in his. I felt horrible for making him go through watching me like this. I fought back my demons harder but continued to struggle. They are too strong.