The silence engulfed me within the darkness as I lied in my empty king-sized bed. My breath was shallow, shaky, and slowly quickening in speed. My hands were trembling; my mind was running busily. I want to feel safe. I want to be okay again… I thought to myself. Message after message, I clicked the little buttons on my phone, the only light source I had, and read to reply mindlessly. I can’t take this anymore. I placed my phone down and focused in on the lights from the city below through my bedside window. The mixed light from the cars, buildings, and streets painted little dots of color onto the black canvas that we call nighttime. Maybe everything will be okay in the end. When I picked up my phone once again, I read the words, “I’m here if you need me, no matter what time. If you need me, don’t be afraid to call me no matter what I am doing. Ok? I’ll answer.”
I’ve heard these words before. These are the words people always say. They are the words of lies. I hadn’t heard this in a while…but it can’t be any different from all the other times…or is it? It has to be different…it has to be. I take a slow and long breath, breathing the cold night air deep within my lungs. Even with all the butterflies that fluttered within and the warm feelings I got, I still had my doubts. When someone randomly comes along and gets you like no other, spends time on you like no one else, puts effort in you when other’s don’t bother, you automatically think something is wrong and expect the worst. I sighed, my breath warming up the icy air in front of me in a foggy smoke cloud, and thought, When is he going to leave…like everyone else who promised they’d stay?
After years of torment, betrayal, regrets and self-punishment, there wasn’t a way to take that leap of faith and trust with my whole heart. But that’s exactly where I found myself. It has to be different. He believed in me when I couldn’t find it possible to believe in myself. He encouraged me and supported me when I had every doubt. He’s different. Before him, I had given up on finding the acceptance and what others said I truly deserve. But he saw beauty in me where I only discovered darkness. I smiled. He proved to me that I could be accepted, even by someone who knew me like the back of his or her hand. He showed me I could have faith in myself, that I can love myself. He did. It was possible for me to do the same.
I clung onto my pillow and blanket; the soft and light fabric silently laid over me. The noisy thoughts in my mind suddenly vanished. My breaths became calmer; my hands shook a little less. I read the words again and again, slightly squinting at the bright light that came from my screen, “I’m here if you need me, no matter what time. If you need me, don’t be afraid to call me no matter what I am doing. Ok? I’ll answer.” I don’t believe it. I read it again, and again, and again. I read the message until it stuck and I believed it to be true.
He cares about me. His words are genuine and true. I can trust him. We’ve gone through so much together. The flaws I see within myself don’t matter beside the beauty he sees in my scars. The mistakes I’ve made and the regrets I have, all the negativity I see within myself don’t come to compare to the light he believes I bring. Everyone always said one who judges themselves will never see as much beauty as when judging someone else. Maybe this was one of those times where I was only harder on myself because I wasn’t looking in from the outside. Maybe it’s possible for me to love myself. Maybe it’s possible for me to see beauty in the things I do and create. Maybe I can believe in myself. Maybe I can chose my own path and be who I am without looking for everyone’s approval. I believed others could find acceptance for themselves. Now it was my turn.