What happened to sitting at the fireplace drinking hot chocolate? What happened to waking up early Christmas morning to open presents? What happened to staying in all warm and cozy under the christmas tree? What happened to writing Santa wish lists and leaving them under the tree? What happened to celebrating Christmas…together?
Maybe I can make my list…I haven’t done this in years…here goes:
- I want a polaroid…one that’s cute and small, so I can take photos of everything and give pictures to all.
- I want a gift from someone special, someone I hold dear to heart, as a promise that maybe we’ll never part.
- I want quality time with the people I love, to make memories to replay in our heads during the times where we are a little far apart.
- I want a reminder of how much I am loved, to read and reread during dark times where all I see are clouds above.
- I want a warm hug from someone taller than me so I feel safe and secure, and so I’ll forget my doubts and regrets and fears.
- I want a photograph of the people I love so that they will always be by my side, even when I think they are not.
- I want gifts to give to my friends to remind them they are loved, maybe even for the ones who have left to the big city above.
- I want moments to treasure with the one I love to remind me to hold in my heart, and never give up and run up above.
- I want to see everyone’s faces lighten with happiness and joy.
- I want to celebrate this season…maybe just us.
I thought I’d get a break from everything that surrounds me. I wanted to be able to take a step back and just breathe.
I thought I’d be drama-free during this week out. Now, having a break from all of this, is something I will always doubt.
What happened to that everlasting “balance” of right and wrong? Why is it that I am always just told to hang on and be strong?
It’s been long since I’ve had one relaxing day. There’s too much going on, not much I can really say.
I thought I’d be able to get away and just focus on everything that is me and you. But now I realise you have been adding to the burden that I carry too.
I don’t know what to do…I am not going to walk away from you…
You give me my strength to push forward.
You give me my courage to take risks.
You give me encouragement to continue on.
You give me support to follow my heart.
You are there to hold me whenever I’m breaking apart.
You are there to calm me down when I’m emotional.
You are there to keep me in check when I’m slipping.
You are there to love me when I can’t love myself.
You always reassure me when I have my doubts.
You always protect me when I feel unsafe.
You always remind me when I have lost sight of light.
You always take care of me when I honestly don’t want to.
You make me smile when I don’t want to breathe.
You make me laugh when I’m drowning in tears.
You make me take a step back and think when I am overwhelmed.
You make me feel when I am dead inside.
You encourage me to always follow my heart and chase my dreams.
You encourage me to believe in myself and do my own thing.
You encourage me to speak up and say what’s on my mind.
You encourage me to try and be okay…to not give up.
You protect me from my nightmares.
You protect me from everyone…elsewhere.
You protect me from my doubts, fears, and self-punishment.
You protect me from…MYSELF.
You remind me that I’m never alone anymore.
You remind me that I am loved.
You remind me that I can be beautiful.
You remind me that I am wanted and needed.
You remind me that…you love me…unconditionally.
I will never forget you. I will never forget us.
Pain stabs at my chest as tears fall to the ground. The darkness engulfs whenever is found. I stare up ahead but my eyes quickly fall to my feet. There hopefully won’t be a day that I admit defeat.
I don’t want to show you how much pain I am truly in. I shove all my emotion and struggles deep, deep within….but I can’t seem to get away with it for your worry eyes describe the fact that you can see much more than what my appearances reveal.
The fight I thought was over had never truly died down. The ghosts and demons live in the mist of my life and pounce at any opportunity found. It gets worse and worse as the long days past. I try to fight on but sometimes my reflexes aren’t that fast.
You see me struggling but I don’t share to anyone else who is there. I put on a front and say everything is okay but in reality….I am blind in the darkness and for that I have fallen for the devil at my angel’s wake.