The tiredness in your eyes. The lifelessness in your stance. The tenseness in your shoulders and your back. The darkness in your eyes.
The small smile you always saved for me. The comforting hug you always give. The reassurance in your eyes. The strength you give in just your presence.
The conversations that go ’til late at night. The unforgettable moments that run on replay every other day. The yearning of what happened to last. The spot next to you that feel like home.
Glancing over at you, I realized you had taught me many things that I will never forget; you had showed me incredible things that will never slip away. I learned the feeling of comfortableness to the degree that I can say every thing that runs through my mind. I realized that ‘home’ was not a building but just a place that you felt you belonged, were wanted, were loved, etc. I saw what it was like for have someone look at you and know they loved you deeply. I realized the efforts someone would take to make your day better because they loved you. I learned what I felt like to be a priority instead of a second choice. Most importantly, I saw what it did to me when I felt loved, loved, and saw someone love me.
I love every piece of you; every thing that makes you who you are; every part of what you have become. And you love every piece of me; every thing that makes me who I am; every part of what I have become.
There’s nothing I could do to repay you for all you have done for me. I wish to spend the rest of my life showing you how much you mean to me, how much I love you, how much I need you here, etc. but I don’t know how much of that will actually happen…
My walls are going back up. I’m taking a step back.
I know you want to help, that you mean well, but I don’t know YOU.
I’m not going to read you. I’m not going to play or test or question.
I’m just going to take a step back. I never really fully trusted you.
You want to help and do what you can but…
I’m hurt. I’m in pain again. I’m not the time to try and trust someone new.
You don’t know me. You don’t know what to do.
You don’t. Not yet. But I don’t think I have the strenth to give you time.
Right now, it’s just easier for me to stop and draw the line.
I know you mean well. I know all you want to do is help.
I know you may care a lot. I know you may want to be here.
But I can’t do this right now. I’m not ready to trust someone new.
My mind goes blank when I try to remember that morning. The doctors had said a concussion would erase the moments before and after the accident. The doctors had also explained that I had a lot of muscle spasms and would be feeling the pain in both my head and neck for several days. I hated it.
For the next several days, I would start shaking in fear when I saw my car. I couldn’t even think about getting behind the wheel again, but I understood that I would need to soon. I could not be driven around for very long. For the next few weeks, I winced and flinched and shook whenever the driver stepped on the brakes a bit too hard or got too close to the car in front of us…or even when the screeching sound the tires made when someone turned too fast or the sound of a horn somewhere nearby. I was a wreck; that is what I thought anyway.
It’s been a over a month since the car accident. I continue to have panic attacks when the car I am in get close to a car accident. I continue to shake and flinch when the brakes are stepped on too fast. I continue to flinch and get terribly scared when the car gets a bit too close to any other car. I continue to get reminded of the accident as I see countless of other car crashes along both the highways and inside streets.
Nothing use to bother me about driving. I was confident about my ability. I thought I never would be the person who got into a major car crash. I would past accidents every other day but never stopped to think that it could be me one day. I never thought I would be one to have a fear of driving.
I don’t think anyone ever thinks they could be the one dealing with something like this. You can never predict that you will get into a situation that would scar you for many months, or even years, to come. No one thinks, “One day I’ll be in a car accident.” or “One day I will be fighting cancer.” or “One day I will have severe anxiety.” No one thinks that one day it could be them in situations they constantly hear about.
This leads to no one being prepared for all the possible situations they could find themselves in because one can never be prepared for every single thing that could happen. The future is this unknown place that we venture into every single day we wake up. No one knows what will happen. No one can know for sure. No one can “be ready”.
When minds are filled, mouths are silent. When words aren’t found, mouths wish to make sound.
It’s been years since I first met you. It’s been months and months sine I first realized I’d love you unconditionally. It’s been weeks and weeks since you told me you loved me. It’s been days since the last time we had any time together.
I watch you go with her. I watch you go on with your life. I know this bothers you. I know it’s something you wish you didn’t have to hide.
You say constantly that you’re working something out. You tell me you love me, show me when the words aren’t found.
You are there for me through ins and outs. You support me through ups and downs. You are a shoulder for me to lean on when I have doubts.
I love you. Love, I love…
The smile you give me when it’s just us; my smile that is one only I see, the laugh you voice, the clicking sounds you make, etc.
The way you dress when it’s cold out, the way you stand when you’re by my side, the way you hold my hand, etc.
How you look at me when you’re concerned and worried, how you constantly try to make me smile and laugh, how you talk to me when you know I’m frustrated or angry, etc.
That you always put others before you, that you always try to help, and when you do it’s out of your heart and never personal gain, etc.
Everything about you.
I don’t want to lose you but it’s time to let you go.
New Year’s Day. Two thousand sixteen.
I’ll look back to our memories and just…remember.
Remember our first moment in class, that look in your eyes. Remember your shyness when you wanted to hold my hand for the very first time. Remember our first kiss, and how you flipped that coin. Remember our first date, and all those times you played our song.
Remember our late night phone calls, neither of us wanting to leave. Remember our endless conversations, going from ‘good morning’ to ‘goodnight‘ and ‘sweet dreams‘. Remember all the times you hugged me, neither of us wanting to let go. Remember our talks and laughing, wishing that time would freeze or at least go a little slow.
I know that I will look back and remember you.
I’m looking back right now. I’m looking back at all these posts about you. I’m looking back and know I don’t regret anything at all.
I know we’ll make more memories. I know not much will change. I know we’ll continue to care for each other, as we did from the very first day. I know…we’ll be okay. We’re us. We’ll be okay.