Friend. Family? More. Less?

Friend. Family? More. Less?

Conversations start to die down. Time spent togethers gets less and less. Effort put into it…seems to dry out.

I wish I could go back to the time where I knew for a fact that we would be okay no matter what. I believed I would always have you there for me, by my side…through it all. I trusted you unlike any other. But, of course, everything changed.

I am scarred by betrayal. I need to heal from the hurt. But I push it off, wanting to know we would be okay in the end. Will we?

Part of me has confidence in us still. Part of me believes that even if we drift apart now, we’ll come back together stronger than ever. Part of me thinks we’ll be okay and our promises will be kept.

The other half of me has its doubts. The other half of me is scared of letting us go right now. The other half of me does not have faith; it has grown weak and does not wish to put our friendship to chance.

Every part of me wishes we would be okay again. Every part of me wishes you to come back to me. Every part of me wishes…for my friend back.

But I need to grow. I feel the past holding me back. I hope you will come with me into my future. I hope you will one day, if not now, be a big part of my life once again. I hope, one day, we’ll be okay.

I have faith in us. This is what I meant all those times. I have faith that, no matter what, we’ll be okay in the end.

April 28: Solitude

April 28: Solitude

The silence around me, the emptiness, and the calmness of every thing in being alone calms me yet is sometimes dangerous to me. Sometimes the experience is torturous – being trapped in silence, in an empty room, with nothing but myself and my dark thoughts – but other times it recharges my energy and allows me to recollect myself from the harshness of life.

When I am alone, I am allowed to do anything I please. I am given the opportunity to deal with a lot of things that I would not be able to when I am around company. There are times that being along makes me more productive, calm, and at ease. In solitude, I do not have to worry about keeping someone else company, someone else’s needs, or what someone else would think of me. In a way, being along comes with a certain feeling of being free.

When I am around people, with most people, I have my guard up. I am observative to make sure everyone’s needs are being met. I study people and watch others. I worry more about what it is that I am doing and how that gets seen by those around me. I almost lose my ability to relax completely due to the fact that I constantly have eyes on me. Sometimes this is a good thing – like when I am slipping into the dark side – but other times it feels suffocating.

That is when I wish to be alone, when I feel suffocated around others. But being alone, to me, can also be very dangerous if I am in the wrong state of mind. Like I said before, the experience could be torturous if I am to be trapped in silence, in am empty room, by myself with nothing but my dark thoughts. That is when I start to slip. The silence amplifies my dark thoughts and causes me to give in to the negative emotions of sadness, doubt, fear, and frustration. Sometimes it amplifies enough to the point of hatred, panic, and life-threatening depression.

Being alone, just like a lot of other things, has its benefits and its harms. There has to be a balance of both.


April 27: Mask

April 27: Mask

Mask your struggle with determination. Mask your doubts with confidence. Mask your pain with smiles. Mask your screams with laughs. Mask your emotions with…false emotions.

Hide in the darkness. Don’t let them see you cry. Don’t show weakness. Don’t show those signs. Hide in the darkness. That is where you belong. That is where you will find comfort. That is where you can be…you, because no one can see you.

That’s what I was taught growing up.

Show what is true and no one will understand. Try to explain what goes through your mind and they won’t comprehend. It’s better to stay silent, is it not?


They don’t understand because they aren’t YOU. They won’t fully get it because they aren’t YOU. No one can understand what you’re struggling against because they aren’t YOU. No one can feel your emotions because they aren’t YOU.

That’s the beauty in it. They won’t fully get it, but that doesn’t mean they can’t try to. They can’t read your mind, but that doesn’t mean they can’t listen to your words. They can’t live your life for you, but that doesn’t mean they can’t be beside you through it all.

What is a mask for? For protection…but there’s beauty in vulnerability, or that’s what I’ve been told.


April 23: Disappointment

April 23: Disappointment

“I got rejected.” I told her.

“Yeah, I knew you wouldn’t get accepted anywhere either way.” She shot back without thought.

What? Wasn’t this the person who was supposed to be reassuring me that everything would turn out okay? Wasn’t this the person who was suppose to let me know she believed in me either way? Wasn’t this…

But, in reality, I couldn’t be surprised. Throughout the whole life she has been like this so why did I, even for a second, believe it would be different this time?

After all, my whole life consisted in everyone telling me I’m the family disappointment, the family failure, the family laughing stock, etc. But even then, I hoped…I still hope that one day it would be different. Maybe I’m just naive.

Naive in my belief that one day my parents would tell me they love me. Naive in my belief that I would get some reassurance and support, and maybe encouragement, from them. Naive in my belief that this is just a nightmare I’m waiting to end.

It wasn’t always like this. It wasn’t like this when I was three or four. But, of course, that had to all change once I got closer to starting school. Why did it have to change?

Why did I have to become the disappointment…with no right to be disappointed.


April 21: Locked

April 21: Locked

It was as if nothing he did helped his case. For years and years, he wanted to get out. He needed to get out of the chaos that constantly screamed of all the things he did wrong, when he was too little to comprehend what was right and wrong and when he was forced through a certain path in life he did not want to walk. Everything he did seemed to be his fault, whether it was his choice or not.

He had to be molded into this bright young man everyone wanted to see him become. He couldn’t shed a tear, show any weaknesses, or do anything, ANYTHING, wrong. He had to constantly be dressed to impress and be a shoulder for young girls to rest on. He had to be this strong, indestructible piece of machine. But this was not him. This was not even human.

Chained from his legs and wrapped at his wrists, his parents did everything they could to force him through the tight little mold of an image they had always wanted their little son to be. It seemed as if they knew who they wanted as their son even before he started to form and existed in their lives. They probably imagined all the things they wanted in their child long before, putting all the dreamed characteristics, habits, and thoughts in one person without any flaws of any kind. But they needed to realize that was not possible.

People have flaws. People make mistakes. People have to be allowed to grow up and learn. People have to be let to be who they really are instead of becoming who someone else desired them to be.

But his parents didn’t comprehend this. Because of this he was constantly trapped within the cells of his bedroom, his house, amongst his family instead of being let out in the “real world” and learn from experience as he grows up to be the man he was meant to be. If only he could break free, take his life into his own hands, and show everyone, and himself, who he actually was, then he would finally be free.

But, right now, he’s trapped. He gets silenced. He gets pummeled mentally. He gets forced into a mold that slowly extinguishes the flame that lives inside of him. He, who he really is, dies slowly as this character of the person his parents dream to have comes alive through painful torturous years of brutal killings.


April 19: Freaky Friday

April 19: Freaky Friday

If you could be someone else for a day, who would you be, and why?:

I wake up and see the world through my photography eyes. She loves life. She loves the sunshine. She loves love and nearly everything about life. She finds goodness in everyone and sees great things during the worst days.

If I could be someone else for a day, I’d be that girl behind the camera, lost within her passion for photography and her work. I’d be that girl who can bring smiles to everyone’s faces. I’d be the girl who smiles for real and doesn’t have to fake her happiness, because she IS happy.

For one day, I’d love to be her again. I’d love to be excited to go to class. I’d love to look forward to the next morning, or simply want to get out of bed. I’d love to want to live once again.

For one day, I’d be her. The girl I still saw glimpses of in the mirror only a couple months back. I’d still see her within my eyes. But now, she’s vanished and I cannot seem to find a single hint of her existence within me.

What if my darkness has swallowed her whole? I’d have lost that part of myself…to myself.

April 19: Fake

April 19: Fake

He fakes the smile on his face. He fakes the bounce in his steps. He fakes the enthusiasm and happiness around his friends. He fakes the happy thoughts when he wants time to end.

They don’t ask him anymore. He use to go to them for everything. He use to say what was on his mind. Someone, that one, would know everything that went on around him and with him, with time…but not this time.

He silently screams for help but no one hears. He knows no one hears him; a part of him doesn’t want anyone to listen. He is scared to make a single sound. After everything he’s gone through, he sometimes doesn’t want to be found.

He sits in the dark. He watches as blood leaks from his skin. He runs his hands over the scratches along his legs. He grabs at his hair and screams silently into the empty space in front. But no one hears, because these screams are only in his head.

He imagines people seeing through his mask. He pictures countless ways of them convincing him to let them help. He wants to let them, but he needs to be convinced. He wants to believe someone cares and someone loves him – like he once thought – but he needs to be convinced. He needs to feel it again. He needs to feel he has worth and his life is worth living.

Until then, he will continue to scream. He will continue to not make a sound. He will continue to wait, until he cannot anymore, until he can’t take it anymore.

Then…he won’t be able to make a sound.