Where Do We Stand?

I want to ask you whether you believe we will be okay once again one day. I want to ask you whether you are hoping that we will come together once again one day. I want to ask you if you have faith in us…in what we have…but I’m scared of the answer.

I don’t want to hear you say you’ve given up on us, because I would never give up on you. I don’t want to hear you say you don’t see a future with me in it, because I would never imagine one without you. I don’t want to hear your excuses when you know your heart wants to say something else, something a little more true, but…I don’t want to have faith in nothing…but I don’t want to lose you.

How is it that we’ve gone through the past three, four years together and now we are growing apart? How is it that our friendship, our relationship, was everything everyone wanted and not it’s torn in shreds? How is it that this, us, you had always been the one thing I knew I’d always have despite everything else I lost, but now…

Things have changed. A lot of things have happened during the past six months or so. It’s been a complicated rollercoaster of events. It’s been torturous, fun, exciting, worrisome, etc. I don’t know what to think anymore.

I always had known, always had believed that we would be okay no matter what. I always had known, always had believed that we would have each other despite everything. I always had known, always had believed that the most important thing to me was this friendship, was us, was you.

But, now, I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting against you. I’m tired of arguing with you. I’m tired of trying when all my efforts have been for vain. I’m tired of getting my hopes up when, in the end, everything goes back and nothing’s the same.

I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know what I want to happen. I don’t know what I want you to do.

I want myself to be okay again, I know that much. I want to figure out the next step in my life, I know that much. I want to keep in touch with everyone who means so much to me…but in this point of exhaustion, I don’t know anymore…

How do you go from wanting something so much that you are willing to drop everything else to not knowing whether you even want to fight to keep that something? How do you go from wanting to always be a huge part of someone’s life to not knowing whether you want to speak anymore for some time? How do you go from knowing you’ll always stay loyal and faithful to questioning whether you want to just drop them and go?

How has so much changed…

I want to ask you where you stand with me. I want to ask you for your honest answer. I want to ask you where you think we’ll be in a few months. I want to ask you so much…but I am scared of the answers to come.

I don’t want to hear you say you’re giving up on us, even though I might be. I don’t want to hear you say you need your space, even though I may want mine. I don’t want to hear you say you’re done trying and fighting for us, even though I might say the same. I don’t want to…be a hypocrite…but I might be.

I want you to be the one who tries now. I want you to be the one who puts more effort into this. I want you to want this as much as I did. I want you to want this friendship too…

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About MysteriesOfLife

“I’m a simple girl.” “You lied. You aren’t simple at all.” “Maybe I’m not. But if I said that, would you have stayed around to figure me out?”
This entry was posted in A Little Escape, Stream Consciousness and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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