Where am I to go?
There is a path that stands before me. There are many paths that start from where I am. There are many paths that branched off a little back. Is it too late to go back? Should I walk forward?
You can’t erase the past but you can make it right. That’s what I’ve been told. You can’t take back what had been done but you can fix it to make it correct.
Was it too late to go back? During the past four years, there are things I am not very proud of. During the past four years, there are things I wish I could take back. During the past four years, there are actions I had taken that still haunt me today.
Is it too late to go back and fix things? Make them “right” again?
For some things, the answer to this question is “yes”. I wish it were not, but it is true. This is how things are. This is what I made happen.
The person who lived through my eyes four years ago isn’t the same person who stares back at me in the mirror today. The person who did all those things had been locked up into the deepest corner of my heart and mind, but she yearns to escape and waits for the day in which she will get her way.
I fear that day. I fear myself, in a way.
I know what I am capable of. I know what I can do, what she can do, what she had done.
And there is no way for me to take back her actions or “make them right”.
From where I stand right now, I look back at the paths I could’ve taken and imagine what I would’ve found among those roads. Things would have been different if I had chosen to walk a different route. I would be different from the person I am now.
But I can’t change that. I can’t walk backwards. I can’t go back south and change my decision to walk this way.
There is a future ahead of me…but darkness is all I see. For the things she had done and the things I can never forgive myself for, I see the future ahead does not consist of a light in the dark.
But I still have hope. Maybe I can’t forgive myself yet, maybe I can’t escape from my past, but I can keep walking forward. I can choose correctly now and do something right.
Maybe…just maybe…I’ll even find that light in the dark.
If I’m patient enough, if I’m strong enough, if I’m worthy enough, I won’t need to go back to my past and change everything that I had done.