Mistake (n.)

Mistake (n.)

I used to love you with all my heart. I used to love you to a point where it was too much for my own good. I used to put you over everything else. And that was my mistake.

Mistake (n.) – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong

I remember pushing things aside to make room for you in my day just so I could possibly, just maybe, make your day a little better. I remember taking on your duties and offering to help a lot more than I normally would just so I could lighten your load. I remember lying about my own circumstances and situations in order to brush off my own problems and issues just so you didn’t have to worry about more. I remember going crazy worrying for you, about you. I remember doing so much for you. I remember overthinking many nights and problems because of you. I remember doing things I wouldn’t have done if not for you. I remember pushing myself, my own limits, for your sake. And that was my mistake.

I pretended to be okay and pushed myself to go through the day even with everything I had been dealing with, mentally and physically, in hopes that it would make it easier for you to focus on your work and your day. I pretended that I could do it all in hopes that I could take the weight off your shoulders. I pretended to be fine with some things in hopes that it would make you happy. And that was my mistake.

I asked for you to be there when I needed you. I asked for you to help me through my pains. I asked for you to listen and support me when I needed it. I asked for you to give me your time and heart…because that was what I thought you would want to give me. After all, you had said you loved me most. And that was my mistake.

I loved you too much. I gave you too much.

I still love you, but not as much. I would still give you my time and attention, but I wouldn’t prioritize you too the top as much. I would still be willing to help, but not as much. I would still want to be there for you, but not as much. I would still give, but not as much. I wouldn’t want to lose myself again and, instead of looking for me, look towards you. That was my mistake.

Things have changed since the last time we spoke. I won’t make that mistake again, with you or anyone else. Not again.

Mistake

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Watching in Silence

Watching in Silence

I watch him hit you “playfully” from across the table after you said something to offend him. I watch him threaten to do it again later, making you flinch and quickly stutter to take back your words laughing to hide the fact that you were afraid. I watch him give you a death glare while you try to look away but can’t.

I watch and try to look down at the table, onto my laptop screen, somewhere else but it doesn’t hide the fact that it was happening right in front of me.

“Stop it.” I stated coldly directly at him. He stopped. But the next time he hit you was harder. Damnit.

I couldn’t pin him on the wall and snarl at him to stop like I’ve imagined doing; I knew he was stronger than me. I couldn’t stand up and pull you to your feet and drag you away from him; I knew you wouldn’t go and if you had it would just make you get into even more trouble with him. I couldn’t stand up to him for you like I wanted to; I knew what he has done and still am not sure what he is fully capable of.

This was the same three years ago. We parted for three years. Something in me hoped that your life would’ve changed. When you told me you don’t talk to him anymore, I was so glad. When you told me you rarely see him anymore, I had thought you had gotten out of his grasp. But here we are, with you coming whenever he calls, listening when he talks, scared to upset him, begging when you don’t want to do something, etc. He still has such a hold on you. Nothing had changed.

No, wait…I have.

Witness

Friends. Bye? No.

Friends. Bye? No.

I wonder how y’all are doing – at each of the colleges you attend. I wonder what you thought of your first few classes, your first week, your first classmates, your first teachers, your first time getting lost in such a big campus, your first time looking around and seeing a nearly empty campus unlike the one you’d see in high school. I wonder what you’re doing – are you overwhelmed or are your teachers taking it slow? I wonder where you have been going – do you stay on campus, in the library or outside, or head straight home to the comforts of your room?

I don’t speak to many of you. I only speak to one on a regular basis actually and another here and there. Acquaintance relationships have died down and only the closer ones have survived even just the summer before first quarter/semester. It’s a shame but yet I am relieved.

There is no more pretending as if I want to talk to them or hang out because I’m busy with classes and transitioning myself. There is no more acting as if I care about the million of things that go on in their lives. There is no more trying to get along with someone you dread being around but have to because of mutual friends. There is no more high school….that – would you call it drama?

But I wonder how y’all are doing – the group of friends I stuck around, not always being close to every single one of you at the same time, the group of friends who had been there for each other through so many ups and downs that there are too many to count, the group of friends that had always been supportive and encouraging as well as blunt and helpful. I wonder what you think of your campuses. I wonder what you look forward to in whichever classes you had decided to take. I wonder if your sleep has gone down already, stress levels up, and eating habits poor. I wonder if you suddenly changed into the typical college student we’d hear stories about in our high school years.

I want to reach out to you guys – and I do – but there are also that sense of business in my life right now, the determination to focus on school, etc. I will reach out to you – I already have – but I hope that you guys will also reach out to me too without me having to say the first sentence or make the first move.

Staying in touch with you guys is something I want to accomplish. I don’t want our memories to end in high school. I don’t want to look back and realize you are only a memory to me now – or a distant friend. I don’t want the line we always here, “You will forget about all your high school friends when you get into college.” to come true. I don’t want to prove them right years from now because they had always said, “It won’t matter in 2 or 5 years from now.” talking about the relationships we had, the drama we faced, the hardships we helped each other through, etc.

I know we will all be busy with classes and transitioning and finding our own paths in life – our own place in this world – but if this friendship – our relationship – had meant as much as you made it seem then you will reach out to me to try and continue it just as I will do too.

Never Would’ve

Never Would’ve

I never would have guessed that you’d come back and be my best friend. I never would have guess you’d be the one person I can talk to, if anyone, again. I never would have guessed…I’d trust you once again.

It’s a few months before one year from the time I declared that I didn’t trust you. You knew it. I knew it. But you wanted it said. I didn’t trust you, with anything.

But that was in the middle of the time that you tried so very hard to win my trust over again, and I was bending. I was stubborn, as always, but you were winning me over with all your attempts and tries.

That was also the time near the day you talked to my best friend at the time about how you were starting to like me again. He told you, if you were falling for me again, then your feelings never went away. He asked you if you were going to tell me and you responded with saying that you didn’t want to mess things up. In your mind, I would’ve backed away from you; you didn’t want to lose me again, not this time.

It’s almost been a year since then. You found a love you don’t know you will ever forget. I went through a love I know I will never forget, but also never regret.

It’s almost been three, four years since we first met. We’ve both grown since then. So much as changed, so much as happened, etc.

I never would’ve guessed we’d be here today.

Changed

Changed

Narrow-minded to more open-minded.
Distant to more open.
Quiet to more talkative.
Cold to more welcoming.

Being able to only see the pain to being able to see happiness.
Being able to only feel hurt to being able to feel at peace.
Being able to only look back to being able to plan for the future.

Defensive to more flexible.
Stubborn to more fluid.
Possessive to more giving.
Protective to more understanding.

Being able to only see the bad in new people to being able to see what could be good in them.
Being able to only question their genuine to being able to understand not everyone is alike.
Being able to only remember the past to understanding that it might not reoccur again.

It’s incredible how pain can alter a person.
It’s incredible how moving on can change a person.

Being able to only hate what happened to knowing how to move on.
Being able to only know what’s broken to realizing the pieces can be picked up again and put back together – or rebuilt anew.
Being able to only trust pain to enjoying happiness.