Battles Between

Battles Between

I want someone to be there to share my experiences with through college.
I want to be left alone in order to stay focused on my busy schedule.

I want someone to hang out with and talk to for hours without end.
I want to be able to get all my things done without feeling overwhelmed.

I want someone to yearn to understand me and know every perk about me.
I want to be a mystery and just have my own kind of world.

I want to enjoy someone’s company while I go through this fast-paced life.
I get overwhelmed by people’s presence when I’m trying to get things done.

It seems as if it is a constant battle between wanting a partner in life and wanting to be left alone. I yearn for company when I’ve spent too much time in solitude working on things, but then I get overwhelmed by my friends’ energy as they jump here and there with thoughts on random topics.

I want someone to share the crazy things that happen throughout the day.
I want a calm and fulfilling life with no drama and difficult circumstances.

I want someone to tell me stories about what goes on in their days.
I want to have meaningful conversations about the world around us not meaningless banter.

I want someone to plan hang outs with and spend quality time with.
I want to be in the comfort of my house without the loud city life around me blazing in my ears.

I want someone to be there when I need someone and support me through it all.
I want to be independent and a strong individual who can take care of herself.

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Long Time No See, Sweetie

Long Time No See, Sweetie

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s been a while since we talked for so long. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled from your words or laughed from your personality. I’ve missed it.

For a while now, I admit, I haven’t missed you…but I’ve missed that feeling – the feeling I get when it’s so natural talking to you; the feeling I get when you bring a smile to my face; the feeling I get when I look forward to your reply; the feeling I get when you laugh at what I say. I’ve missed being able to be comfortable with someone, because it seems I’m guarded with everyone but you.

It’s funny how you still are the excluded one even after all that you’ve put me through.

I still will cherish this friendship. I still will cherish your time. I still will cherish how much you care about me and the efforts you put in me as time passes by.

I will still appreciate the connection we have. I will still help you here and there when I can. I will still feel proud of you and encourage you for the better. I will still want to make you happy.

Things have changed but…maybe, hopefully, our friendship will survive even to later years.

I wonder how you’ve been during the past so months. I wonder how things are at home with your cousin and your father. I wonder how things are with classes – how your professors are and how you’re transitioning to school. I wonder how your relationships have been with everyone. I wonder how your physical health is. I wonder how you’ve been emotionally too.

Despite all, I know you’ll get through. Sometimes I wish I could be there for you but I know you will be okay and I have faith in you. Despite all, I hope you’ve grown a bit more. I hope you’ve found something better in life.

I hope you’ve surpassed the past.

BookStore Boy

BookStore Boy

Shit. I should’ve brought water for medicine.

I rushed out of the room and down the stairs, heading out of the library. I fumbled with my bag, trying to get my wallet out while walking, after I noticed I only had a little bit of time before my next class. Damnit….why did I do this today?

Walking into the bookstore, I took into my surroundings and shyly walked around a young man in order to see where the bottled water was. After grabbing a bottle, I waited to the side and noticed a lady was waiting next to me already. I let her proceed first, fidgeting with the bottle as I got nervous about being late for the discussion. The cashier looked at me and probably saw how nervous I was. A young girl soon replaced the lady who was standing next to me and went before me – even thought it was clear that I had been there first.

When I went up to the cashier, he smiled and we went through the motions.

“Is this all?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“That will be….”

I pulled out the cash and handed it to him, still uncomfortably restless.

“How do you think you did on the test?” He suddenly asked.

“What? What test?” I looked up at him surprised.

Maybe he thought it was slightly amusing how I reacted and asked, “Aren’t you in my —- class?”

“This morning?”

“Yeah.”

“Oh yeah!” I said, probably too loudly, “Yeah, I think I did okay. What about you?”

The conversation continued briefly, distracting me from how close my next class was. It gave me the short amount of time I needed to let my body relax a bit. I felt weight come off my shoulders and smiled.

I walked out of the bookstore feeling a lot better. This young man, who I had never spoke to before, took initiative and talked to me. He also calmed me and…made my day, whether he knew it or not.

-Cheers, to the little things, to the young man who brought a smile on my face on a very stressful day.

Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

What is Writing to ME?

What is Writing to ME?

I write when I have something to say but no one to say it to. I write when I have something I want more than just my friends to know about. I write when have a story to tell. I write when I am frustrated, when I am disappointed, when I am proud or happy, when I have something to say, in general.

When I write, I find it easier to put my thoughts into words that another person can understand. I make things more dramatic when I feel like if I were to write it normally and calmly, it would not give my readers the same feeling as how I am experiencing it. I leave things out when they are too personal for me to be comfortable posting, when I want my readers to think of the connection on their own, when I think it’s best for some things to remain unsaid.

When I write, I have an outlet for my emotions, my thoughts, my ideas, etc. that might not always get heard by the people around me in real life. I also get the opportunity to hear back from people and discover whether I am really the only one who has experienced something or have a certain way of thinking on a certain idea or concept. I love being able to read back from you guys and see that I touched someone’s heart, that I said something they have always felt, that they felt connected to what I was saying, or that they can relate to what I have experienced.

When I write, I get my time to myself. I get some silence and get to focus on one thing, one idea, one experience, one feeling. Everything around me usually just disappears from mind. The only thing I think about is what I am doing and what I am writing about when I am at my writing desk.

Writing to me is…almost everything. It’s being able to say the words I wouldn’t have the guts to say in real life. It’s being able to express myself without having to look to someone directly in the eye and get put on the spot. It’s being able to write and rewrite my thoughts and ideas to perfection – in order to say exactly what I want to. It’s being able to reach out to more than just a couple people.

It’s being able to have time for myself.