Dear Life

Dear Life

I’m forgetting how much time has passed. It’s been six years since I moved to this house. Yet I still remember getting the news of getting the house that day at the old house. Yet I still remember coming to the house to clean it constantly during that summer and not being able to help with anything. Yet I still remember that first night we moved with the blankets piled in the car. Yet I still remember sleeping on a blanket after we arrived to the house, being an exhausted little child. Yet I still remember how annoyed I was when I walked around the new house with boxes everywhere, not wanting to unpack. Yet I still remember the first couple times driving down the streets, admiring the new places. Yet I still remember the feeling of adventure whenever we drove around, the surreal feeling as if we were just going for a vacation.

I’m forgetting how old I really am. I still want to be a child. I still want to have that time before those big decisions I have to make. I still want to be taken care of. I still want to pretend life is perfect around me. I still want to think everything is going to be alright…forever. I still want to think I have friends I can trust. I still want to be able to push people away and expect them to come back and tell me everything is going to be okay. I still want to believe everything to be okay. I still want to be able to walk through life like a breeze.

I’m forgetting…a lot of things. I’m forgetting how my parents are getting older as I grow. I’m forgetting how my life is never going to halt in front of me. I’m forgetting how time doesn’t wait for anyone. I’m forgetting how I need to start taking care of myself. I’m forgetting how I’m soon going to be on my own, facing the real world by myself.

I’m sorry I’m forgetting so much. Can you slow down? Can you stop for a couple more years? Can you wait for me to figure things out? Can you freeze until I am not so broken anymore? Or better yet…

Can you go back to how things were? Can you go back to the time where I didn’t know any better? Can you relapse to the years I was just..happy…and nothing else? Can you go back? To the times I thought I could take on the world and be okay? To the moments I felt like everything was going to be okay? To the memories that I have of happiness…wherever they are in my mind…?

Can you go backwards? To a time I thought everything was alright? That’d be a dream come true…..

I’m forgetting how strong I can be. I’m forgetting how smart I can be. I’m forgetting all the good things in life. Can you go back to a time I remembered?

Please?

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Dear Me (of the Future)

Dear Me (of the Future)

I hope you have found a way to be happy without needing distractions to avert your attention from any emotional or mental pain.
I hope you have found a way out of your physical pain and the chains that once tied your feet to the ground.
I hope you have found a way to love yourself the way your first love did.
I hope you have survived all the pain that I am going through and you are living somewhere out there, in the future, as a new and improved me who has learned more than I can ever imagine.

I hope you can hold your head high when people ask what you do for living and smile when you tell them of work.
I hope you can smile and laugh freely without having to fake your happiness for the world to believe that you are okay.
I hope you can breathe when you are sitting in your house without the pressure and tension that use to grasp at your heart and soul.
I hope you can speak your mind without being torn down and shoved into a corner by everyone, even your family.

I hope you have stable friends around you who you know you can count on and trust to be there.
I hope you have friends who accept you, encourage you, and love you for the person you are – flaws and all.
I hope you have friends who live life with you and don’t hide secrets from you.
I hope you have friends who mean well and don’t do you harm.

I hope you can walk outside without being paranoid of someone following you, someone having bad intensions.
I hope you can calmly talk to people without wanting to put up your walls, walk away, or hide your true self.
I hope you can focus on your work and studies without being scared of what people would think if you work too hard or not enough, get too great of grades or too bad of grades, or work too fast or too slow.
I hope you can tell people you are okay and you are looking forward to the next couple years of your life without having to lie and pretend as if everything is okay.

I hope you have come to peace with your past, all your struggles you’ve been through, all your mistakes that you’ve made, etc.
I hope you have learned to look forward in life instead of just around you or behind.
I hope you have accepted yourself, flaws and all.
I hope you have found whatever it is that I believe is missing from my life and embraced it in yours.

I hope you are okay.
I hope your life has come together more.
I hope you have a stable and strong support system like you always wanted.
I hope you are truly happy with life.
I hope you are okay.

T. You

T. You

Her: *quietly studying in the library*

Him: *walks into the study room and sits down in front of her*

Her: Hi? -laughs-

Him: *tries to look innocent* What? *but laughs*

Her: *shakes her head* How was your day?

Him: *exaggerates by slouching in his chair and throwing up his arms* UGHHHH the worst day ever!!! *waits for her to laugh* … *smiles* but it’s a tad better now than I’m here with you. *grins*

Her: *rolls her eyes* Just a tad? *laughing*

Him: *covers her hand with his on the desk* Okay maybe a little more than just a tad *chuckles as he takes her in*

Her: Just a little more? *giggles*

Him: OkayOK…a lot better *smiles and squeezes her hand*

Her: *smiles, looking up in his eyes* I missed you.

Him: *nods* I know… *sigh* I’ve missed you too…

Her: It’s been so busy with classes….

Him: *kisses her hand* It’s going to be okay. Trust me.

Her: *silently looks down at the table*

Him: *squeezes her hand gently* I’m not going anywhere. I promise. Trust me.

Her: I trust you…

Him: It’s going to be okay. I know it’s hard now. I know things are rough. But please trust me when I say that we will be okay as along as we are both in this 100%. *waits* You’re in this 100%, aren’t you?

Her: *gasps* I am! Don’t you trust me?

Him: *smiles* See where that kind of needs to go both ways?

Her: *softly laughs and shakes her head* Okay…I’m sorry. I trust you.

Hope (n.)

Hope (n.)

I have been through a lot of pain, both physical and mentally/emotionally. My friends even say that I am ‘tormented’ because of the things they know I go through and see me go through. It’s life…for me.

But, somewhere inside of me, instead of feel hatred for this world, I still have the heart to have hope. I still have the courage to think that, one day, things will be alright again. I still have the bravery to put myself out there and hope that, one day, I will find someone who I will spend the rest of my life with. I still have the strength to keep pushing forward in life and walking through the storm that is my life.

When I look into children’s eyes and see that light, that innocence, that preciousness, I still smile in hopes that that spark of life will continue to stay with them and never die out. When I see children playing on the playground and being happy with their family, I still laugh a little in hope that they will always stay that happy and that cheerful. When I hear a child say something out of the ordinary, but with thought, I clap for them in my heart in hope that they will stay that intelligent, that curious, and that unique.

When my phone lights up with a text, I still hope that it is something meaningful from a friend who means something more than a stranger you passed by on the sidewalk. I still hope that there will be a genuine conversation that will make time fly by. I still hope that there is something more than just…”hey”.

Through all the nightmares I have lived through, the pain and betrayal I have felt, the disappointments and failures, the backstabbing and regrets, etc., I still have hope, and faith, to see goodness in the world around me.

Forced to Wake Up

Forced to Wake Up

I feel like he liked me because I was in a beautiful and sexy dress, high heels, had make up on, and had curled my hair that night. I feel like he fell for what was standing in front of him and who he saw that night instead of who he knew was there and who was actually behind those eyes he kept getting lost in. I feel like he asked me out because he fantasized of having the person I was that night instead of the person he already knew me to be.

But he had already known who was standing in front of him wasn’t truly who I was. He knew who I was and who I’ve been known to be. He knew.

I am a tomboy. I am known for my capability of being aggressive, stubborn, and blunt. I am strong and independent. I can be loud and playful. I can be outgoing and energetic but I can also be quiet and isolated.

He knew this. He knew me for a year in advance. Yet, this night was what flipped a switch. It was as if he was meeting me again for the first time…but instead of being myself, I was a girl everyone wanted me to be.

It seems as if he distanced himself from me the more myself I was. It seems as if he put a wall up between us the more he saw reality. It seems as if he pulled the line when he woke up from a dream he thought he was living.

Yet, while he was still daydreaming he made me feel as if I was living a dream. The more awake he got, the more he realized I wasn’t the kind of girl he wanted. But…before he woke up fully, he made me realize he was a kind of boy I wanted.

The more he woke up, the more I had to too.