– writing this ahead of time –
I wonder if my phone will explode with messages and calls. I wonder if people will be kinder and try to make me smile more. I wonder what will happen during the next couple days at school when I see my classmates and friends.
I wonder if my parents will remember. I wonder if my sister will call home from London. I wonder if we’ll celebrate somehow. I wonder if it’ll just be one of those rare dinners that we have (like steak or hotpot) whenever we “celebrate”. I wonder if we’ll go out to head a some sushi buffet because we’re lazy to cook and make it big.
I wonder if my aunts will remember. I probably won’t hear from my aunts or uncles. I’ve never been close to family.
I wonder if I’ll be buried in schoolwork. I wonder how that’s going to go. I wonder if I’ll even remember. I won’t if I’ll have any time for myself and just be grateful I survived yet another year of life.
March 26. I turn 19. Almost 20.
March 26. Last year was hell. Too much drama with friends.
March 26. It’s a week or so away. I wonder what will happen.
I don’t celebrate. We usually don’t do anything. Family doesn’t do the whole gift thing, the whole taking time to see what they would really want or what would be super meaningful. We don’t do that. Family doesn’t do that.
I’m sick and tired.
I’m sick of always checking my phone to see if any of my friends wants to talk or check in or even bother asking how everything is in my life. I’m tired of feeling left out and forgotten, or bluntly being ignored when I know I could be using my time and energy much better and much more productively.
I’m fed up with trying to check in on my friends and seeing how their lives are when they don’t even attempt to talk to me. Yeah I get people are busy, I get there is always something to do with how hectic classes get, but I can make time for you…why can you make time for me? for once.
For once I want to feel like I’m not chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be caught. I want to feel like I don’t have to put 200% of my energy in some relationship that I don’t even get 10% back. I don’t deserve to be tenth place when you’re one of my first priorities. I don’t deserve to be last place just because I got busy for a month because I was out of the country for family issues. I don’t deserve this from people I thought would treat me a little better.
I’m tired of asking for a spot in someone’s life. I’m tired of fighting for a spot, fighting for someone’s time. I’m sick and tired of all of this!
I have classes. I have work. I have my family duties. I have chores. I have a pet to take care of. I have stuff to get done. I’m done chasing people around during my busy schedule when they don’t even bother putting aside five minutes to talk to me, to see how things are, to catch me up on their lives, etc.
I’m tired of feeling envious whenever I see photos of my friends all together, happily smiling at the camera as if they’re having the best time of their lives. I’m tired of wanting to have that kind of friendship with someone, some group, when I see posts about how groups of friends have stuck by each other’s side through every up and down for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years. (Yeah, I’ve moved around a lot. I haven’t had the same friends for x number of years. That’s my life. I’ve grown up basically alone.)
I’m also done with feeling as if I’m alone in this world, or as if that’s a bad thing. I don’t want to care so much about whether I have a boyfriend or not. I don’t want to care so much whether I have a friend to walk to class with or get me coffee in the morning. Being single isn’t a bad thing. Being alone doesn’t make you weird.