I’m sick and tired.
I’m sick of always checking my phone to see if any of my friends wants to talk or check in or even bother asking how everything is in my life. I’m tired of feeling left out and forgotten, or bluntly being ignored when I know I could be using my time and energy much better and much more productively.
I’m fed up with trying to check in on my friends and seeing how their lives are when they don’t even attempt to talk to me. Yeah I get people are busy, I get there is always something to do with how hectic classes get, but I can make time for you…why can you make time for me? for once.
For once I want to feel like I’m not chasing after someone who doesn’t want to be caught. I want to feel like I don’t have to put 200% of my energy in some relationship that I don’t even get 10% back. I don’t deserve to be tenth place when you’re one of my first priorities. I don’t deserve to be last place just because I got busy for a month because I was out of the country for family issues. I don’t deserve this from people I thought would treat me a little better.
I’m tired of asking for a spot in someone’s life. I’m tired of fighting for a spot, fighting for someone’s time. I’m sick and tired of all of this!
I have classes. I have work. I have my family duties. I have chores. I have a pet to take care of. I have stuff to get done. I’m done chasing people around during my busy schedule when they don’t even bother putting aside five minutes to talk to me, to see how things are, to catch me up on their lives, etc.
I’m tired of feeling envious whenever I see photos of my friends all together, happily smiling at the camera as if they’re having the best time of their lives. I’m tired of wanting to have that kind of friendship with someone, some group, when I see posts about how groups of friends have stuck by each other’s side through every up and down for the past I-don’t-know-how-many years. (Yeah, I’ve moved around a lot. I haven’t had the same friends for x number of years. That’s my life. I’ve grown up basically alone.)
I’m also done with feeling as if I’m alone in this world, or as if that’s a bad thing. I don’t want to care so much about whether I have a boyfriend or not. I don’t want to care so much whether I have a friend to walk to class with or get me coffee in the morning. Being single isn’t a bad thing. Being alone doesn’t make you weird.
I don’t agree with people who tell me I have to have friends, these close friends I talk to about everything. I don’t. I don’t need someone to constantly tell what’s going on in my life, and I don’t need an update on someone else’s life when it does not involve me. I am sick and tired of being that one person everyone goes to when they need help, but never for anything else (like to just hang out). I’m sick of being used. I’m tired of being a resource instead of a human being.
I don’t need this. I don’t need these friendships that isn’t even behind two friends, but instead two strangers who simply continuously use each other for personal benefits. I don’t need relationships that just patch up the “hole” in life people think single people struggle with (guess what? I’m not struggling with being single. I’m happy being single. Leave me alone.)
I don’t agree with everyone. You want to convince me otherwise? Too bad.