There are some things in life I will never get, things I will never fully understand, things I will never even begin to comprehend.
One of those things….is me, is myself, is who I am today as a result of where I’ve walked or what I’ve been through.
I don’t get why I’m jumpy or easily frightened by the touch of someone’s hand. I don’t get why I am uncomfortable with being treated right. I don’t get why I still listen to the many remarks that constantly haunt me when I know I shouldn’t anymore.
I don’t understand why it’s so hard for me to trust someone without a single doubt or feeling that they will betray me or walk away. I don’t understand why it’s insanely difficult to be just happy, not worried about the storm that might or might not come, but simply happy in the moment that I live in. I don’t understand why…accepting who I am as a person is still a task I have yet to check off my bucket list because all I see when I look in the mirror is the long list of hatred comments and bullshit reasons people threw at me and shoved down my throat since day one.
Why is feeling weak, weak? Why is feeling invincible, strength?
Why does having knowledge that others don’t make you smart?
Why does being privileged make you lucky and fortunate?
I will never get why I stare at the ceiling for hours with a blank, empty mind only to later close my eyes and focus on the darkness that hides beneath my eyelids. I will never get why I suddenly disappear into silence even after the happiest and more adventurous days where I am loud and hyper and crazy all at the same time. I will never get why I get spikes of emotion I can never control every once in a while, despite whether it is happiness, anger, or sadness.
I won’t, and may never comprehend why, or even how, I can stare at the most simplest things and have a million thoughts running through my mind that it gets to the point where I cannot even select one to listen to.
I don’t understand why I get insanely nervous and frightful when someone is simply kind. I don’t understand why I stumble over my words and start to fidget whenever I feel unsafe after being nervous. I don’t understand why being in an empty space suddenly makes me feel as if someone is following me and I am not alone. I don’t understand why I have a feeling something terribly bad is going to happen right after every single time something good occurs.
I don’t get a lot of things.
One of those things is…me.
I don’t get me, myself, and I.
I simply don’t understand.
I don’t get it.
I don’t get me.