Voice It To Me

Voice It To Me

I have this voice ringing inside my mind, yearning and fighting to simply be heard by those who walk by me, those who enter and leave my life, those who mean little and those who mean a lot, those who have a heart and those who have a soul; My voice raises to be heard by every person who exists on this land.

My heart is pounding for every second of everyday to reach out to every person in need, every person who is struggling, every person who is strong and brave, every person who feels as if they don’t have a voice, every person who gets taken for granted, every person who is fighting for a place in this world, every person far and near, every person who has a heart that beats like mine.

I have a passion inside me, a fire burning hot, a light shinning bright, that will bring joy to the rest of the world one smile at a time, one question (like ‘How are you?’) at a time, one simple act of kindness at a time. Sometimes we just need someone to sit us down and give us a minute in their arms, a minute of their time, a minute to feel accepted, a minute to acknowledge their worth, a minute to feel your love.

My sensitive ears listen to the quiet wind as it blows the leaves on each branch of the trees, to the loud silence in a classroom filled of stressed college students, to the light footsteps to every person who walks by knowing they have a part in their story they might never tell. And they will listen to your questions, to your complaints, to your worries, to your frustrations, to your anger, to your disappointments, to your confusion. They will listen to you for hours and hours without end as you tell me about your long day at work, about your exhausting conversation with someone, about the conflict you’re having with someone, about the future you plan on having, about the past you lived through, about the people who mean the most to you, about the ones who have hurt you.

My eyes will watch you as you make your way through your days, learning little by little how to live. I will watch you grow up; I will watch you learn; I will watch you finally achieve all yours goals; I will watch you chase all your dreams; I will watch you laugh out loud in joy and in happiness; I will watch you pick yourself up each and every time you fall down; I will watch you make your mark on this world because it deserves to hear you roar!

What is your story? What will you do?

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Might As Well Jump

Might As Well Jump

“Look towards the sky, look into your heart.” – a little saying I found that means a lot more than I thought it could.

What is my heart saying?
My heart is saying “go for it”, “fight for it”, and “you got this” in more sentences than one. My heart is saying “you will make it”, “you will live it”, and “you will survive to tell about it” with probably more confidence than I’ve ever had. My heart is saying “don’t walk away”, “this is true”, and “this will make it” with all the emotions it has flowing through it’s veins.

My brain on the other hand is saying words like “you got hurt before, be careful”, “walk the other way before you get hurt”, and “be weary of what tricks they might be hiding up their sleeves” with that mysterious tone that makes you want to know more. It’s saying “think ahead”, “predict the outcomes”, and “it’s better to know than be surprised” whenever I get caught in the moment and wonder what the rest of my life is going to be like.

As you can tell, I’m like most of you, my heart and brain don’t always get along. They don’t always say the same things or send out the same messages for me to decode. Sometimes following my brain makes sense, is the better route to take, simply because I need to be logical. Sometimes following my heart is the only way to go simply because I need to experience life and I need to open doors.

My brain is clogged by the memories of the past. My brain remembers the pain way to much and does everything it can to make sure I don’t encounter that level of pain ever again. My brain wants safety in logical terms. My heart loves whatever it loves. My heart is like a free spirit that will never be tamed. My heart wants to shower the world with kindness and do whatever it takes to make me happy again.

You’ve probably heard the saying “follow your heart and chase your dreams” more than a hundred times in your life in either one version or another. You’ve probably been told to “listen to your heart because it knows the way” with one set of words or another. Have you ever listened to these sayings? Why not?

But before I decide to follow my heart, I remember to look towards the sky. Is the sky falling? Is it turning black and grey? Is it raining blood? Is it turning into a hurricane that will never be tamed? No? Then what’s wrong?

Follow your heart. You have one life. You only have a few chances.
You might as well jump.

What Am I Doing?

What Am I Doing?

I laugh at myself sometimes. Sometimes I can’t help but ask myself, “What the hell are you doing with yourself?” Because sometimes, even though I know better, I retrace my steps within the new circumstances I’m facing.

I know better than to let someone this close to me. I know I get emotionally attached a little too easily and always end up getting hurt. But it seems like the more I walk down the same path and end up hurt, the more I don’t care about getting hurt. I know I’ll survive and I know I’ll recover from whatever trauma I might experience. But I also know that if I don’t take the chance and take a leap of faith when meeting someone new, I know there is the possibility of them making a hug difference in my life that I would be throwing away.

I know better than to get pulled back into the past. I know reminiscing will only make me yearn to relive the blissful moments just one more time. I know looking back at all the mistakes I’ve made will only make me regret them more and hold myself accountable yet again as if I hadn’t already hated myself one too many times. I know remembering all the hurtful comments will only make my brain keep them on a broken record that keeps running through my mind. I know allowing myself to feel all of that again will only hurt me even more.

I know better than to get distracted from my studies and let my guard down. I know that the more lean way I give myself to get my work done, the more I won’t want to get anything done. I know that the more time I give myself to work on my hobbies, the more I won’t want to stop working on the things that have become a second nature to me. I know that the more time I spend relaxing and letting my guard down, the more I will miss it when I’m in a tense environment. But the more I let myself live happily and the more I let myself be who I truly am, the more I get reminded that’s the true way to live despite what my life is.

I know I am independent and strong on my own. I know I can go through my days without someone needing to remind me of what to do, but I still ask him to remind me here and there when I can. I know I do perfectly fine without telling someone about my plans, but I still find some peace in letting him know what’s going down. I know I can deal with my life on my own, but I still find it soothing to know someone cares enough to get updated. I know I’ve gone through almost the entirety of my life without someone checking in on me, but I still find it so comforting when he asks me how I’m doing and genuinely cares to know. I know I am perfectly fine with being independent but the more I find reassurance in his presence and support, the more I find me telling myself that being a little dependent on him is okay.

I know turning off my emotions will only harm me in the future. I know I should deal with the emotions as they come, but I always find myself pushing them into a mental box when they come as intensely as they do. I know I will break one day when I’ve shoved too many emotions into the already-full bottle, but I always find myself going back to my old ways. I know I’ll pay in the future for the countless times I’ve used this defensive mechanism, but I have yet to learn better. I know I still haven’t learned how to deal with my emotions because of this, but I still haven’t found enough courage and support to start learning now.

I know better! …yet I don’t at the same time.

Trace

I’m Sorry Because I Know

I’m Sorry Because I Know

I’m a worrier. I spread myself thin a lot of the times. I try to do more than I should. I take larger bites than I can handle.

I get stressed and say it’s part of life. I get overwhelmed and believe it’s it’ll pass on by. I get hopeless and tell myself it’s just a phase.

I feel like I have to be there for every friend I have because I know what it’s like to have no one. I feel like I have to take care of everything I possibly can because I remember what it felt like when I was struggling with no one around to help. i feel like I always have to put my best foot forward for someone, anyone, because I remember how it felt when someone did that for me.

That’s me.

I help everyone I can. I am there for everyone I can. Even if it means spreading myself thin, or getting overwhelmed by how much I try to do, I believe trying can sometimes be enough. I do the little things that let people know someone’s there for them. I reach out to those who I need a helping head to let them know someone cares and worries for them. I give out the small gestures that I can to let people know that they aren’t alone. Because, guess what, I remember what it felt like when no one did that for me…and I remember when someone did do even the smallest thing to brighten my day. They’re two different worlds apart.

I remember what it felt like to want someone, just one person, to genuinely reach out to me to help. I remember what it felt like to be hopeless and feel so bitterly alone in this world. I remember struggling but being afraid to ask for help. I remember thinking no one really cared or worried about me. I remember that, all of that, and I remember never wanting any one else to feel that way.

So I apologize ahead of time to those of you in my life already who are getting closer to me, to those of you who are close to me, and to those of you strangers out there who will become a big part of my life. I apologize if I get comfortable around you to go off about worrying for someone else. I apologize for asking for your opinion and asking for help whenever it is that I do. I apologize for spending a lot of time talking about my relationship with others, or their life and how I would like to help. I apologize for wanting to help you, in any way I can, which means asking to know more about your life and where I can stand. I apologize if it comes cumbersome to hear about these things. I apologize if I don’t pay attention to you enough when things get overwhelming. I apologize for not being genuinely present with you because of something that is happening in someone else’s life. I apologize for wanting to help as much as I can. I apologize if it becomes a drag. I apologize if I sound like I’m nagging. I apologize if I seem to get overbearing. I apologize…for being me.

But I am this way because I remember what it was like to have no one guide me the right way. I remember what it was like to be lost in the world, like we all kind of still are. I remember being forgetful and wishing there was someone to remind me. I remember wanting to have someone to simply ask about my days. I remember wishing there was someone who genuinely wanted to take care of me. I remember wishing there was someone to help me with the weight on my shoulders.

I remember.

I know what it’s like, just like a lot of us do. I know how it feels like. I know what kinds of thoughts begin to flood through your head. I know. I know, and I want to do something.

I might not be able to take all the weight off your shoulders, but I can be there and give you and helping hand whenever it is that I can. I might not be able to control some variables in life, but I can be there to remind you that you are never alone in this fight. I might not be able to do everything for you, but I can help you through it. I might not be able to help as much as I want to, but I can definitely try.

To My Wonderful Followers:

To My Wonderful Followers:

Everything from my blog has been transferred over, as you will notice, and therefore nothing will change with my writing style or what I post on my blog.

There has been a very big change in my life. Some pages have turned and I have opened a new chapter.

Writing has always been such a huge part of my life, and to share my writing with you all is such a wonderful experience. My blogs, as well as writing in general, have been a big part of my life and I hope to keep it that way.

I ask you all to follow me to my new address (yinandyangfallingtogether.wordpress.com).

Every comment and every like I get from you touches my heart because it lets me know my writing is get out there and my ideas are getting heard, somewhere by someone. It’s an amazing sensation.

Thank you, for following my blog(s), for reading my writing, for putting out the time to leave a comment, for letting me know my writing reached you.

I hope for the same support and encouragement as I continue this blog on the new address. Please continue to follow me!

Mute

Mute

What do you do when a million thoughts run through your mind but not a single word makes it out of your mouth? What do you do when all you yearn for is to be understood, to be loved, to be wanted?

I stare at the blank screen in front of me and know that I can fill it with words, but when I look into his eyes I can’t manage to make a sound. I look down to the keys on my keyboard and know which ones to hit to make the sentence flow, but when I’m sitting in front of him the blank wooden table is all I know. I hear my thoughts and I know there are a million things that I want to say, but when it comes time to…express myself…I get stuck on what words I want to say.

I stumble over my tongue. I choke on my words. I can’t…

I feel the tears fall from my eyes, more than I ever have felt before. I feel the pain grow in my heart, the pain that is aching in my chest. I curl up in a ball and hug the thing blanket close to my chest, and feel my body shake. I open text messages, but don’t know what to type. I open up my list of contacts wanting to call someone, but don’t know what to say. Where do I go from here?

I stare up at the ceiling from my bed. I feel how heavy my heart it. I want to say something. I know I want to say a lot. I’m trapped between not knowing where to start and not knowing what to say at all.

Dear M…

Dear M…

I know you parted from your family at such a young age in search of a better life in the States. I know you had to go through a very devastating heart break when your relatives that brought you over treated you less than they should have. I know you were very poor. I know you had a hard childhood.

I know it broke your heart when the letters you wrote to your mother back home weren’t getting sent, but read instead. I know it broke you to find out the relatives, the only family you had around you, deceived you. I know it tore you apart when you were forced to drop out of college and give up your dream career. I know it hurts when you look back in time.

I can only imagine how hard it was learning English and being surrounded by this foreign land. I can only imagine how it felt trying to make the right friends. I can only imagine what it was like for you trying to survive with such distance between the people you called family. I can only imagine how much it hurt when you discovered your siblings, your relatives back home, disliked you just because you were the one and only to cross the seas. I can only imagine the pain you went through.

I know it hurts you when you feel limited by things you can’t control. I know it pains you when you get used. I know it angers you when you get mistreated, and I know uncomfortable it is to pretend like you don’t care.

I know you must have trust issues. I know life has been hard on you. But, please, one day realize that not everyone is going to mistreat you, not everyone has bad intensions, not everyone only cares about their personal benefits, not everyone is heartless. How can I make you see that just like how you raised two good-hearted girls, others can raise many good-hearted children? How can I make you see that just like not everyone has a good heart, not everyone has a bad heart?