Conflicted x100

Conflicted x100

Frustration boils through me. How can he know my ever thought from the ones I freely share to the ones I haven’t even come to admit to myself.

“Go away!” My instincts shout at him. “Turn around. Run away!” They command me. “You are never supposed to be vulnerable.” I had always been told.

The feeling of being that vulnerable scares me…it frightens…it makes me want to run and hide. How can he read me so well? I never thought, it never even crossed my mind that something like this was possible. Did he receive a map of my mind, learn the secrets of every piece of me, or stollen the missing key that would make everything in my life right again?

Frustration builds. I don’t even understand myself to that extent. There are things I haven’t discovered about me that he already knows. I don’t understand.

How is it that I am sitting here wishing I could’ve just let myself cry out all my pain into his chest as he held me tight? Why is it that when I feel the most pain that all I want is to be by his side, in his arms?

It’s safe, yet horrifying. I want to push him away at the same time that I want to pull him in closer. I want to run with fear of this vulnerability at the same time I want to stay and discover something new inside. I want to close off and protect everything that is me at the same time I want to open up and let him fix every part of me. It’s a dangerous mystery, yet intriguing.

I don’t want to run away, but staying means facing everything that is foreign to me. Do I leave? Do I stay?

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