Conflicted x100

Conflicted x100

Frustration boils through me. How can he know my ever thought from the ones I freely share to the ones I haven’t even come to admit to myself.

“Go away!” My instincts shout at him. “Turn around. Run away!” They command me. “You are never supposed to be vulnerable.” I had always been told.

The feeling of being that vulnerable scares me…it frightens…it makes me want to run and hide. How can he read me so well? I never thought, it never even crossed my mind that something like this was possible. Did he receive a map of my mind, learn the secrets of every piece of me, or stollen the missing key that would make everything in my life right again?

Frustration builds. I don’t even understand myself to that extent. There are things I haven’t discovered about me that he already knows. I don’t understand.

How is it that I am sitting here wishing I could’ve just let myself cry out all my pain into his chest as he held me tight? Why is it that when I feel the most pain that all I want is to be by his side, in his arms?

It’s safe, yet horrifying. I want to push him away at the same time that I want to pull him in closer. I want to run with fear of this vulnerability at the same time I want to stay and discover something new inside. I want to close off and protect everything that is me at the same time I want to open up and let him fix every part of me. It’s a dangerous mystery, yet intriguing.

I don’t want to run away, but staying means facing everything that is foreign to me. Do I leave? Do I stay?

Despite the fear that ran through my veins, the happiness his presence provides is priceless beyond imaginable. The safeness that engulfs my body as he wraps his arms around me is indescribable. The comfort in his voice soothes away every doubt I have in my head. The gentleness in his touch reminds me of how much he really cares. The look in his eyes when he adores everything he sees in me lets me know how he feels for me. Do I really want to give all that away? Just because I’m scared?

Again. Do I leave? Do I stay?

Confusion settles where fear once was as my body calms down from the panic attack. Where do I even stand? What is my place in that life he lives? Confusion suddenly gets swept away and replaced by the burning fear, and suddenly I’m wondering to what extents would a person go to try to hurt me once more.

My demons whisper in my ear and their words start to haunt me. He, this one person, this one single living creature has learned the ins and outs of my very existence. Maybe letting my guard down from the beginning wasn’t the best idea. Now someone I have only known for a short amount of time has the power to basically destroy everything that I am.

Fear wraps its little tentacles around my brain so quickly the light that shined from all my happiness seemed to go out faster than a lightbulb could. Everything that I taught myself from such a young age, everything that was battered into my young little mind, everything that built the foundation of how I grew up…was pointless.

Yet, the question is still this: Do I leave or do I stay?


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