It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You’ve changed a little appearance wise, but I don’t believe your heart has changed at all even.
Even though it’s been almost a year since I paid attention, I can see that your heart hasn’t changed. You’re still the same person. You’re still the same person I thought I loved so so so much. You’re still the same person I feel a connection to. You’re still…you.
I couldn’t believe that you were there when I met you again. I couldn’t believe we were face to face once again. I had remembered the days that I wished, and dreamed, for this to happen. For us to go back to how we were, for things to be okay again, for everything to simply go back to the time before everything felt like hell.
But now that I was facing you and I saw that you were basically the same person still, I knew for sure that I didn’t want you in my life anymore. The cold atmosphere, the mysterious vibe, the nonchalant attitude…everything.
I felt my heart try to reach out to you, help you, heal you, be there for you. But I felt every other part of me pull myself back. My guard went up and I could not get myself to relax when you were around. The amount of pain you put me through, the amount of hurt you made me endure reminded me that I should not let my guard down when it came to you.
As much as I think I want to still be friends and have you as a part of my life, still today, I do not think that would be the wisest decision. I don’t trust you anymore, not the same way I used to. I don’t have faith in you, not like I used to. I don’t believe in you, not in the ways I used to.
I won’t push you away. I do want you in my life, but I have accepted that things will never be the same again. That’s okay. I don’t want things to be the same. I don’t want to relive the amount of hurt and pain I felt with the amount of betrayal and abandonment I felt from your actions. I deserve better than that.
If you had changed, if you had grew up a little, if you had changed a little for the better, maybe there would have been a real chance of us having a healthy relationship as friends. If you wanted a friendship as much as I did, maybe we would have a chance to still remain in each other’s lives in a positive manner.
But things are different and you are the same.
It was odd seeing you again after all this time, to be honest. I thought I would be happy, excited to see you and spend some time with you. But when we came face to face, all I felt was my guard going up and my insecurities telling me I wasn’t safe.
I’m sorry. My heart tries to reach out to you. And I will listen, like I always do. But there is little chance that things will be okay ever again.