Present. Past. Future.

She looks around her and examines her own life. What a mess everything seems to be. Disappointment is clear in her eyes when thoughts of how her parents would yell at what a disgrace she’s become.

She glances at her messy desk. It’s been several hours but nothing had been done yet. She has to study this, review that, catch up on a few things, and get ahead on a lot. She has to organize her calendar, fix some gaps so she has time to go take care of herself. She drinks several pills every day but in her head she asks, “What’s the point?” because none of them seem to help.

Physically she has to remain so strong. Her body is getting weak and weaker by the day. She doesn’t know what is left to do, or what new techniques there are to say “Hey…let’s try this”. She is close to giving up on fixing herself because it seems like she’ll live with pain her entire life. And, sometimes, she’s okay with that.

Mentally and emotionally, she has to go on through life alone. Her parents don’t really give any support. She hides in her room and cries, frustrated and lost and doesn’t know why she can’t get anything right.

She looks back at her past life, all the years that already went by, and can’t help but shake her head. She’s made so many stupid mistakes. She fell into traps and barely got away. There were so many times she had to plead for one more chance at life.

Flashbacks seep into her head, and suddenly she remembers the feel of the razor along her skin. She remembers how helpless she had been, having to deal with everything on her own. And on her own, again, she had been. She suddenly remembers the scars on her skin from when she didn’t want to live. She brushes her fingers along the scars.

She remembers the times her mom had yelled “No one is going to accept you now. Look at what you’ve done”. She scratches at her skin, remembering all the times she hated how she looked to the point she wanted to cut her skin off to start new again. But she can’t.

The scars on her body are symbols of all the pain and suffering she’s been through. She can’t hide them but have to learn to accept her past.

She looks to the future and can’t tell why, all she sees is darkness now. There’s nothing there where light can be. She’s made so many mistakes in her life. All she knows is she will never cease to fail to be the daughter her parents had always wanted.

She looks around at her own life, in present time, and has to force herself to think, “Hey, at least I’m trying”. After a lifetime of bottling her emotions, feelings of being a failure and being a disappointment continue to try to seep out to her mind. She fights herself and fights the feelings of not being good enough every single day. She pushes them back into the bottle that longs to be opened someday. But, not today.

She has to keep pushing. She has to keep trying. She can’t give up. And, deep down inside, she knows there’s a reason why.

She just needs to keep trying. She needs to keep trying to forgive herself…and, with time, maybe she’ll realize what the reason actually was that pushed her to never give up.

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About MysteriesOfLife

“I’m a simple girl.” “You lied. You aren’t simple at all.” “Maybe I’m not. But if I said that, would you have stayed around to figure me out?”
This entry was posted in In Front Of Me, Stream Consciousness and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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