Will It Fix Me?

Will It Fix Me?

I’ve gone through two open heart surgeries. I’ve gone through two surgeries to repair my chest wall – pectus excavatum repair. I’ve gone through a cardiac catheterization. I’ve done all the labs for my surgeries. I’ve gone through countless x-rays, CT scans, MRIs, echos, stress-tests, etc. I’ve done it all.

I’ve ran until I was blacking out, almost fainting. I remember the stress tests I had to do when I was younger. I remember vividly how nauseous I would be the day before. I remember dreading the sight of that treadmill. I remember running until I couldn’t breathe. I remember barely being able to walk to the chair a few steps away. I remember blacking in and out.

I’ve worn a cardiac monitor multiple times for various periods of time. I’ve had some bad cases of nausea, dizziness, lightheadedness, and migraines. I’ve had trouble breathing. I’ve taken handfuls of medication.

I’ve woken up scared to move because my chest hurt so much. I’ve fallen down unable to get up because it hurt so bad. I’ve done pain blocking injections. I’ve been to physical therapy. I’ve had multiple pain management specialists. I’ve dealt with the side effects of multiple medications, testing out to see which one actually helped. I’ve discovered that it may be impossible to make the pain go away. I’ve learned that I have nerve damage…and it can’t be fixed.

Why am I so terrified when it comes to this new procedure I need to go do? Worst case scenario, I stay in the hospital for a few days and go back to school in a wheelchair a week or two after.

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