No Longer Sorry

No Longer Sorry

I’m no longer going to apologize for knowing I deserve better. I’m no longer going to say sorry because you aren’t what I need. I’m no longer going to stay silent and repress my wants, my needs, and my feelings just so you can say everything’s okay.

Through the last many friendships, and the last couple relationships, I’ve learned a lot about what I need within my relations with others. I’ve learned about what I need. I’ve learned about what I need to walk away from. I’ve learned that I have a say.

I need someone to be supportive and encouraging. I need someone who is very observative. I need someone who is values deep conversations and emotional connections more than physical connections and lust or desire.

I need someone who is willing to be vulnerable. I need someone who will be 100% in the relationship, not someone who will put a foot out the door every time it gets scary.

I need someone I can be myself around, one hundred percent myself around. I need someone who I can be vulnerable with. I need someone who I don’t feel the need to hide from. I need someone who loves me for every piece of who I am.

I need someone I can have fun with. I need someone to engulf in careless days of joy with. I need someone I can be spontaneous with. I need someone who still sees the light in my eyes.

I need someone who thinks I’m beautiful, strong, intelligent. I need someone to push me to grow. I need someone to want the best for me. I need someone to experience life with. I need someone who wants to be there, in my life.

I need someone who tries to understand my pain, when I’m in pain. I need someone who tries to see why there are tears in my eyes, when I cry. I need someone who sees the reason behind my laughter, when I’m having a good time. I need someone who sees me, for everything that I am whether that be the mask I wear or the layers beneath. I need someone who loves me as I am but also encourages me to grow.

I need someone who is willing to be a part of something that will enhance growth. I need someone who is willing to listen to me and talk to me, honestly. I need someone who will be patient with me and understanding, and expect the same from me.

I need someone who is willing to get hurt because being here is worth the risk of a heartbreak at the end.

I need someone to make me feel full of life not an empty soul.

Cavity
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Farewell, Ole Friend…. – Branching Out

My mind is numb. A part of me is silent.

My stare is blank. A part of me is gone.

But they know, there’s so much more than what meets the eye.

Inkling

Tenfold

Tenfold

I spent the past two hours working on some last assignments for this past semester. I spent the past two hours shoving my screams down the drain, struggling to just feel comfortable in the silence – despite the music blaring in my ears.

But the second I finished, the second the distraction went away, everything came back tenfold.

I couldn’t breathe for a while. I could feel the world spinning around me with everything frozen in time. I could see him standing in front of me, my back against the trunk of a tree. I could feel his hands on my body. I couldn’t scream.

For once, I wish I couldn’t write. I wish I didn’t have all these confusing emotions flooding through me. I wish I didn’t have….this feeling anymore!

I want to go to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with this feeling. But even if I sleep, it won’t go away.

I want to go away.

Safe

Safe

I sit and stare. At my desktop picture, with nothing else on the screen. At the ceiling above my bed, in the darkness I wish to disappear into. At the white wall by my desk, with enough fury to punch a hole but no energy to move.

My body silently screaming. My mind struggling to deal with the tornado, the tsunami, and the earthquake that is my thoughts tearing up my insides.

But they don’t see the destruction within me. They don’t hear me beating myself up. They don’t see the visions that keep replaying in my mind. They don’t understand everything, anything, that goes on inside me. They don’t understand how much I want to be safe once again…

Safe. I want to feel safe again. I try my best to rewind the good memories from the past couple days. I remember how it felt as my friend held me as I sobbed. I remember his soothing voice telling me it was not my fault. I remember him telling me to get up and found myself in his arms. I remember his voice telling me, again and again, that I was safe now. I remember…feeling safe.

How much I want to feel safe again…

Inscrutable

Silent Screams

Silent Screams

You know what sucks? Wanting to sleep so you don’t feel the pain anymore but finding yourself living more horrors through nightmares you can’t wake up from. I couldn’t wake up.

A close friend hopes that I stop beating myself up over what happened. I had begun to tell him what happened, hoping for someone to tell me it was going to be okay. I’m grateful for him; I will never be able to thank him enough. He told me, over and over, trying to get it through my mind, that it doesn’t matter what people say or how much I beat myself up because it wasn’t my fault. He held me as I sobbed. My entire body was probably shaking. For once, I felt strong to be crying. I needed it so badly that I wasn’t scared to cry. I wasn’t scared that time because I believed he’d hold me together and give me time. When I calmed, he got me on my feet and pulled me into his arms. The warmth soothed my heart. He reassured me again and again that I was safe now. And, in his arms, I believed him.

But when I went to sleep in attempt to run away from my thoughts, somehow they still played in my sleep, in the back of my mind. I couldn’t wake to stop them. I couldn’t shake them out of my mind.

He wanted to fight off the demons in my mind with love. He wanted to shield me from the pain. But I don’t think he ever thought I’d wake up in the mornings with a scream in my throat but no voice to be found.

You Can’t See Me

You Can’t See Me

When you see someone in pain, it’s like looking at a silhouette of them. You see the outline; you see a brief summary of them. You see the outside; you don’t recognize the inside…you can’t.

Sometimes the silhouette still presents the subject’s facial features. Sometimes it still shows everything that is to be seen on the inside. Sometimes the silhouette is black though. Sometimes it is not even a correct representation of everything that’s truly there – the pain, the heartache.

You can’t possibly know what’s going through their mind. You can’t possible understand what they’re going through.

All you see, if even, is the cover that masks the pain and their screams.

All you see when you look at me, if you see anything honest at all, is the exhaustion from the pain. All you see, if you’re looking at all, is a girl who wishes she could disappear.

Silhouette

Scream

Scream

i want to scream. i want to scream my head off.

i want to be heard. i want to yell.

i want to be held and told everything will be just fine. i want to be okay again.

i want to disappear into the night. i want to never have to face that kind of fight…again.

i want to run away until i’m miles from here. i want to vanish like clouds on a bright sunny day.

i want to get all this pain out of my head. i want to get out of living hell.

i want to scream. i want to scream my head off.

Trill