Safe

Safe

I sit and stare. At my desktop picture, with nothing else on the screen. At the ceiling above my bed, in the darkness I wish to disappear into. At the white wall by my desk, with enough fury to punch a hole but no energy to move.

My body silently screaming. My mind struggling to deal with the tornado, the tsunami, and the earthquake that is my thoughts tearing up my insides.

But they don’t see the destruction within me. They don’t hear me beating myself up. They don’t see the visions that keep replaying in my mind. They don’t understand everything, anything, that goes on inside me. They don’t understand how much I want to be safe once again…

Safe. I want to feel safe again. I try my best to rewind the good memories from the past couple days. I remember how it felt as my friend held me as I sobbed. I remember his soothing voice telling me it was not my fault. I remember him telling me to get up and found myself in his arms. I remember his voice telling me, again and again, that I was safe now. I remember…feeling safe.

How much I want to feel safe again…

Inscrutable

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