Back Again

Back Again

I have to be honest…when I saw you again my heart skipped a beat. We didn’t leave each other’s lives in such good terms that I thought you’d be walking towards me with a smile on your face again. I hadn’t thought we’d be talking about life and exchanging stories over lunch anytime soon. But there we were, catching up, joking around, laughing and having a good time once again.

If I’m honest, I have to say I had dreamt of the day we meet in good terms again and catch up as if we never stopped being great friends. I wanted to share my life with you. I wanted to experience life with you. But when I saw you again I had to reexamine where I stand.

A part of me thinks we could mend the break and start a new friendship built on trust and faith. It thinks there is something that still ties us together that life has brought us to each other again. It still feels the connection that once pulled me towards you. It still believes that our friendship can make it through.

But, honestly, another part of me thinks I shouldn’t be trying to pull something from my past into my present and future. It remembers how broken you had left me years before. It is scared of being left again after finding reason to have faith in you once more. It doesn’t want to give its heart to someone who doesn’t believe we’re meant to be anything.

At the same time that I want to reach out to you and bring you into my life, I already have an exhausting life without the drama of an ex-something coming back around. At the same time that I want to be there for you again, for I still see the hurt in your eyes and feel the pain coming from your heart, I know I can’t fix everything in your life no matter how much I want to take the pain away. I’d rather take your pain onto myself than have you suffer through your own thoughts in the darkness I know you’ve lived within for way too long – but I cannot.

I know I will always have a soft spot for you, as the first boy I fell in love with. I know I will always love you and be here for you no matter what. I know I will never stop caring about you despite anything you can do. I know I will not ever be scared of you, but of my feelings for you. I know there will always be something there for you to come back to. I know I will always love you.

But…I am nervous to find out how our lives will intertwine this time ’round. If you reach out, I won’t push you away. But, if there is something left here, I can’t be the only one trying to find where things go.

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