Aside

@MysteriesofL

Hey guys

Just wanted to let you know I have a twitter account @MysteriesofL where you would get announcements/updates from me about my blogs. Right now I have a poll up regarding the frequency of posts on my yinandyangfallingtogether blog. It will be up for one week and I will update my followers on twitter once it’s been decided (: Please go vote and follow if you haven’t done so

Special thanks to everyone who has followed my journey from the start

Best,

MysteriesofL

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My Goodbye, For Now

My Goodbye, For Now

I’ve had this blog since June 2013. Wow, it’s been over five years since I published the first post here. It’s been eight years since I started writing, seven years since I started acknowledging my writing as a part of myself.

But, really, what does it do? You get lost in your own words. You hear your own pathetic thoughts. You listen to the echo of your lost heart trying to swim at bay. What for?

It’s time for me to revert things back to the way things used to be, with me. No longer will have you have an easy sneak peak within me. You want to know me? Figure it out. If anything, you have five years worth of my writing to go off of. But, keep in mind, the past and the present are not the same nor are the past and the future any further apart.

Walk Away

Walk Away

There comes parts of your life where you realize you have to let go of what you have to grasp the new beginnings of the future. It’s not that you aren’t grateful for what you currently have. It’s not that you don’t cherish what your life entails. It’s that you have a realization that you have to allow yourself to grow more, learn me, and explore more of the world that surrounds you. I think that’s where I am today.

During the past two years, I’ve truly appreciated everyone who had come into my life and made a positive influence to my future. I had found comfort in a foreign environment and I found my part in such a small community. I learned a lot about myself during the past couple years. I think I’ve found more of myself than I’ve expected to find out here. I am a better person for it.

I’ve made wonderful friends who genuinely care for me in their hearts. I’ve found special connections with those who are both still in my life and those who have gone their separate ways. If you have seen my post on Yin and Yang Falling Together titled, “…genuinely sweet…” , a part of what Ace* used to tell me stays in the back of my mind despite the lack of his appearance in my life. I admire the man he had grown up to be, and I wish him the best with the best parts of me. And I have a few friends like him who I care for truly but know we have to go our separate ways. I know we all met for some reason, but that doesn’t mean we were meant to stay.

Those that are around me currently, who have come from my “changed” life, are those I do care about. I want the best for them. And I hope they find everything they’re looking for, and some more. But the reappearance of some close souls have made me realized I hadn’t been holding anyone close to heart anymore.

I admit these past two years have given me time and allowed me to not only grow but heal. There had been multiple breaking points I encountered just during this short period of time. And I am grateful for everything I have here. But I know it’s time to go. It’s time for change.

Seeing old relationships back in my life, spending time with them almost heart-to-heart, had made me realize how much I’ve been isolating myself from the world around me. Even though I am there and present, my heart had always been closed and my mind was never truly there but elsewhere, somewhere in the skies. I know, I have known in the back of my mind, I do not belong somewhere I cannot fully invest myself in. If my heart isn’t there, if I am not one-hundred percent invested, what is the point of pretending that I am there?

I have come to a point in my life where I am given a chance to walk forward and, technically, walk away. And I have to be true to myself. I cannot hide the truth that I already know is true. It’s time for me to walk away.

A Little Update

A Little Update

Going to aerial with an old acquaintance has brought us closer together as she builds a professional relationship with my sister. Going paddle boarding with an old coworker has brought me some reassurance for the future that awaits me this coming fall. Going out to eat with him and old close friends had reminded me what it feels like to hold someone close to heart. Going to meetings and events has gotten me excited for everything that has yet to come.

The future might be unknown. The mystery of it all might scare us, sometimes. But, sometimes, the mystery is simply half the fun.

I don’t have all the answers I wish to discover but I have the strength to continue to walk forward. Whether I’m in the dark or in the light, I know I will have the support and love of everyone around me. Though I might have nightmares and sometimes I see my life flashing before my eyes, I know I will get through, someway, somehow.

And that’s all I could ever ask for.

Broken…But Okay

Broken…But Okay

I grew up with parents who were always more worried about reputation than anything. They grew up in a way in which gave them fear of the outside world beyond the limitations of their understanding. They didn’t know much better than to do anything they needed to survive. They wanted a better life for me and my sister. They wanted, more than anything, to be capable to provide us with everything we needed in life. But they never realized, the money wasn’t what we needed.

I grew up not being able to talk to anyone about my emotions. I was taught to shove all my emotions, both good and bad, down a drain that was supposed to lead into a block hole that took everything away. I was told to never trust those around me. I was showed and taught that family were the last people you should trust in this world. But, still, a part of me refused to believe everything I was taught. Sometimes, I wish I listened whole-heartedly.

I grew up believing I was a broken toy instead of a gift to the world. I was told no boy would want a girl with scars. I was told I was never ‘pretty’ with the scars that provided me a healthier life. I was told I’d never be good enough, by the one person who is supposed to love you to most. Not only did that leave scars in my skin but scars upon my heart.

I grew up not knowing who I was. But even though I spent every day trying to hide myself from the world, I know my heart has always recognized my soul.

I grew up knowing I was what people called “broken” in ways even I didn’t know. But, you know what, that doesn’t make me any less deserving; it doesn’t make me unlovable; it doesn’t make me any less capable.

I know life will constantly have peaks and valleys. There will be the ups and downs that bring us to where we are supposed to be. I know I will face tornados and tsunamis of hurt. I know I will experience life’s dream as well as life’s nightmare. I know that will never change, no matter how much I wish it to disappear. That is just who I am. And I have to accept that.

Broken

Your Potential Future

Your Potential Future

Things are settling down, but the tension remains strong. The happy moments are there, but you can’t ignore the storm. Everything you wanted, everything you wished for is there for you to grab but remember that sometimes you have to walk away from the things you once had.

Life is all about the constant trades we make. Trading your time gaming for some more time studying. Trading your free moments with friends for the comforts of home. Trade your shaky relationship for a new potential in your life. Trade this city for the next set of unread stories. Trade one passion for another raging, burning fire. Trade the toxic familiarity for a brand new start towards something new. Trade an old habit for a new learned skill. Trade the old life for one that can become everything you ever dreamed.

It’ll be hard to let go. Once we’re comfortable, we usually don’t want to leave that behind. But when you look around you and can’t help but feel burdened and tired, maybe it’s time to learn.

Our futures are composed of infinite roads and paths we have the choice to take. Whether you believe that our lives are mapped out by destiny or written with the pen that lays in the palm of our hands, the decisions we take today lead us one step closer to where we will ultimately end up. It doesn’t matter if you turn left or right, turn around to history or dream of the future, you will arrive to a place in your life that you couldn’t have ever imagined.

A friend once said, “The mystery is half the fun.”

How Are You Doing?

How Are You Doing?

Everyone walks around and asks each other how they’ve been since the last time they met, starts conversation about some vague topic that comes to mind, and then parts ways feeling as if they either wasted time or found more of a bounce in their step. Your coworkers will ask how life outside of work is, and you’ll answer with some ambiguous one liner. Your classmates will ask how your other classes are, and you’ll answer with some half-hazy description with a nervous chuckle. Everyone asks and there are people who wish to care but, in reality, the generalized answers and questionable comebacks are our ways to indefinitely give an undetermined response. Because, really, no one knows how they are truly doing.

We walk around in our little atmospheres only ever defining success or happiness when looking at the comparison of someone else’s life against our own. But since there is no true value in reflecting against something that doesn’t even match our circumstances, the answer to that one simple question remains undefined.

How are you? How are you doing? How is life? How are things?

Truthfully, the answer is, “I don’t know.”

My dad is weakened by his health yet takes on the burden’s of the world onto his shoulders as he stresses about how to pay the bills with where the cash is flowing. My mom is constantly straining herself to find a third job to pay the bills while boring herself at a desk job she is overqualified for – just not on paper. My older sister is awaiting a response from the dozens of medical schools she applied to while working full-time and managing to finish a two year program in one.

My dad has his health. I have mine. We both struggle daily to get through the days with the constant pain we have found ourselves burdened with. Some days it’s near impossible to get out of bed, or do anything other than sit still at our desk. But it’s hard to say anything.

Driving is an issue because of my health. Being in late night classes is an issue with my health. Working more hours isn’t possible with my health. Do you know how frustrating it all is?

You tell me, how am I doing?

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