Study…Study…Study some more…

Study…Study…Study some more…

Everyone wants to be successful in life. Everyone wants to end up happy in this lifetime.

I say, study.

It’s not as simple as studying your school textbooks thoroughly. It’s not just focusing on the information that will be on the project, quiz, or exam.

It goes deeper than researching about topics that interest you. It goes beyond talking about ideas and concepts with others.

…study the colors the sky creates each morning and night that takes people’s breath away
…notice how the wrinkles and creases on your mother’s face shine in the sunlight
…experience the emotions that coarse through your body in every waking moment
…yearn to see the reasons why someone’s passion can see within their shinning or dark eyes

…learn the ways the ones you love sees the life around you differently
…study the impacts of crucial events, as well as small event, throughout your lifetime
…notice how the silence in the room might be more meaningful than the constant chatter at a college party
…yearn to be different and express how your perspective of life is different from the others around you

…notice how the light hits the glass and creates a mural on the ground before your feet
…experience all the little things in life to their fullest potential because, once you look back, you’ll soon realize that the small things were actually really big
…study about the environment around you and about all the changes society is making to the world
…present the best version of yourself and admire people’s reactions and comments

It’s more than just studying the textbooks we pay too much for or finishing the assignments (sometimes at 3am the night before it’s due). It’s more than finding someone who you bond with very well. It’s more than simply getting out of your own mind.

It’s learning about the world around you. It’s studying the little things that turn out to be huge in the end. It’s experiencing everything to its fullest potential.

Study

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Reality Hits

Reality Hits

Being productive was supposed to be today’s number one priority. I look at the notebook where I had started my notes for the first out of six essays I was planning to read; only the title is written, not a single note written down. I look at the clock and it’s already three. When did the day go by?

Yesterday night, I was planning to wake up early to help my dad paint the new office. Mom refused to let me go because I should study. I was trapped at home.

A few minutes after my dad left, my mom went somewhere too. My sister had been the first to leave for her class this morning. I was left at home.

For hours I blasted my music, trying to silence the thoughts running through my head. After feeling nothing but emptiness and pain for hours, numbness became the only thing I could process.

I want to scream but I’m mentally exhausted.
I want to be productive but my boring reading is the last thing I want to do.
I want to be creative but nothing flows through my head.
I want to do SOMETHING but I also just want to stay in bed.

I went to my mom and explained to her that I hadn’t done anything all day. She laughed. I felt like a failure and a joke. I wanted to cry. I’ve had so many meltdowns in the past couple days.

I want to reach out but no one seems to hear a sound.

I understand that they’re in a lot of pain. The lost was in their family, but still in my life.
I get that I should be strong for them and be there for them. But I wonder if they even realize I am screaming inside.

Trapped. In pain. Nowhere to hide. I’m broken inside.

Static

Carved

Carved

Somewhere between the first time I met you and that last time I read your text ‘goodbye’, I lost myself…or had I ever found myself in the first place?

You were my old friend’s boyfriend. We hit it off and got along super well, a little too well even. I couldn’t help it. I found someone I thought might make a difference in my life. And wow, I was right. You made a difference to me.

You were the first person who I felt truly cared about me beyond the reputations or anyone around me. You saw me for who I was, a broken and lost little girl, and took me under your wing with caution that I’d fly away. You began taking care of me through the years. We got closer and drifted a part, and got closer and then parted ways.

Everyone who knows the story knows it was never that simple but, for the purpose of this writing, let’s keep it that way.

You made me happy but I was always fighting for your attention. You took care of me but sometimes I had to go out of my way to force you to show that concern I needed to see. You wanted the best for me but I found myself walking down a dark road once again.

I never made the best choices. The mind games got to me. The backstabbing made my insecurities grow. The lies made my questioning worse. The facade of a fairytale blinded my eyes and left my heart scarred and scared to ever love again.

I look back and I know I’m not going to forget you; I know I won’t forget what happened way back when. A part of me hates that, but the other part of me knows that’s the way things have to be for me to grow, for me to learn, for me to go beyond everything I used to be.

There were moments that I sent you a ‘goodbye’ text but always found myself going back, as if trying to find a part of myself I had lost within you. I was always so proud of myself when I said goodbye to you but always hated it when I went back to your name on my screen. It was as if I was constantly turning around on a ferris-wheel-like ride as I go on with my life.

Then, the last person I thought would save me did exactly that. I was suddenly freed from the life I wanted to leave behind over a year before I actually did. I cut ties completely and a part of me came back to me. I was extremely proud of myself in those moments that I picked myself back up and kept walking forward.

I wanted to start over. I wanted to begin again. And I finally was able to do that, completely.

But, looking back, I know there will be a weak spot in my heart for those I had once loved. I know there will a part of me who reminiscences some of the good old times. I know there will be a part of me I have to thank you for, whether I hate her or love her. I know there will be nothing I can do to erase what has been said and done.

And, I’m okay with that.

You have your place in my heart, way back there somewhere. You have your place in my thoughts, when I look back to the past and everything I was. And that’s okay. You don’t have a place in my present. You don’t have a place in my life. I wouldn’t want it any other way. But I will admit, your footprint stays on my heart and your scars stay on my skin.

And, that will have to be okay.

After all, you had carved your signature onto my heart.

Carve

You ask me why I turn off my emotions so often. You ask me if I don’t have the guts to face what I feel. You ask me what being a robot is like.

Growing up, any emotion other than happiness was weak (basically).
I turned my emotions off because I never had people to help me deal with them.
Then it became my life, who I am, and everything I’ve become used to all this time.

I turn them off because I don’t want them to rule my world, but they do.
I turn them off because I don’t want them to get the best of me, but they do.

Maybe I don’t have the guts to face what I feel, but I’m learning.
Maybe I don’t know what it is to be a robot, but I didn’t want to know anyway.

I look at you and my answer is, because this is me.

Here. Always.

Here. Always.

I don’t know what the right words are to take away the pain from your heart, to lift the weight from your shoulders, to make everything better.

I won’t pretend to know what you’re going through, to understand the pain that you feel.

It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to feel helpless. It’s okay to grieve.

It’s okay to want to be alone. It’s okay to heal on your own. It’s okay.

I will not continue to tell you that things will get better because, one day, you will understand that. I will not pester you to eat correctly, to drink lots of water, to take care of yourself. I will not demand that you bounce back in record time. I will not.

Just know, please, love, please just know…

I am here, for you.
I am here, for you to rant to.
I am here, for you to lean on.
I am here, for you to talk to.

I am here, to hold you.
I am here, to be gentle with you.
I am here, to take care of you.
I am here, to listen to you.

I am here, for now and always.

My mind stopped spinning. My body stopped crying.

Everything just stopped.

The silence is louder than a loaded gun, as James Durbin would say.
The absence of pain is more torturous in the long run.

It’s as if the tornado of thoughts, the whirlwind of panic and fear, the blizzard of confusion, everything just got trapped somewhere.

When you sit down for an exam you’ve studied for endless hours for and your mind goes blank…it doesn’t matter how hard you try or the fact that you know the information is somewhere just beyond the wall, you can’t get to it. That’s what this feels like. My emotions, my thoughts, my pain is just beyond the rainbow but it doesn’t matter how hard I try to force myself to feel, to think, because it’s simply out of my reach.

The calmness should terrify me.
The absence should worry me.

But, in reality, I’m used to this. I’m used to shutting my emotions off when my mind can’t comprehend or handle what I feel. I’m used to pretending to be brave and strong to take someone else under my wing. I’m used to having happiness getting stroke down with a brick wall being slammed into my face.

But somewhere in between the panic and the pain, my body stopped comprehending the world around it. It’s like dumping two pounds of flour onto a cup size funnel and expecting it to work out. You get the flush of ingredients when you initially dump the flour over but it will soon get stuck and it will quickly overflow the system. And leaving it there won’t change anything.

Time won’t change anything if all you do is stare.

Funnel