Walk Away

Walk Away

There comes parts of your life where you realize you have to let go of what you have to grasp the new beginnings of the future. It’s not that you aren’t grateful for what you currently have. It’s not that you don’t cherish what your life entails. It’s that you have a realization that you have to allow yourself to grow more, learn me, and explore more of the world that surrounds you. I think that’s where I am today.

During the past two years, I’ve truly appreciated everyone who had come into my life and made a positive influence to my future. I had found comfort in a foreign environment and I found my part in such a small community. I learned a lot about myself during the past couple years. I think I’ve found more of myself than I’ve expected to find out here. I am a better person for it.

I’ve made wonderful friends who genuinely care for me in their hearts. I’ve found special connections with those who are both still in my life and those who have gone their separate ways. If you have seen my post on Yin and Yang Falling Together titled, “…genuinely sweet…” , a part of what Ace* used to tell me stays in the back of my mind despite the lack of his appearance in my life. I admire the man he had grown up to be, and I wish him the best with the best parts of me. And I have a few friends like him who I care for truly but know we have to go our separate ways. I know we all met for some reason, but that doesn’t mean we were meant to stay.

Those that are around me currently, who have come from my “changed” life, are those I do care about. I want the best for them. And I hope they find everything they’re looking for, and some more. But the reappearance of some close souls have made me realized I hadn’t been holding anyone close to heart anymore.

I admit these past two years have given me time and allowed me to not only grow but heal. There had been multiple breaking points I encountered just during this short period of time. And I am grateful for everything I have here. But I know it’s time to go. It’s time for change.

Seeing old relationships back in my life, spending time with them almost heart-to-heart, had made me realize how much I’ve been isolating myself from the world around me. Even though I am there and present, my heart had always been closed and my mind was never truly there but elsewhere, somewhere in the skies. I know, I have known in the back of my mind, I do not belong somewhere I cannot fully invest myself in. If my heart isn’t there, if I am not one-hundred percent invested, what is the point of pretending that I am there?

I have come to a point in my life where I am given a chance to walk forward and, technically, walk away. And I have to be true to myself. I cannot hide the truth that I already know is true. It’s time for me to walk away.

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A Little Update

A Little Update

Going to aerial with an old acquaintance has brought us closer together as she builds a professional relationship with my sister. Going paddle boarding with an old coworker has brought me some reassurance for the future that awaits me this coming fall. Going out to eat with him and old close friends had reminded me what it feels like to hold someone close to heart. Going to meetings and events has gotten me excited for everything that has yet to come.

The future might be unknown. The mystery of it all might scare us, sometimes. But, sometimes, the mystery is simply half the fun.

I don’t have all the answers I wish to discover but I have the strength to continue to walk forward. Whether I’m in the dark or in the light, I know I will have the support and love of everyone around me. Though I might have nightmares and sometimes I see my life flashing before my eyes, I know I will get through, someway, somehow.

And that’s all I could ever ask for.

Broken…But Okay

Broken…But Okay

I grew up with parents who were always more worried about reputation than anything. They grew up in a way in which gave them fear of the outside world beyond the limitations of their understanding. They didn’t know much better than to do anything they needed to survive. They wanted a better life for me and my sister. They wanted, more than anything, to be capable to provide us with everything we needed in life. But they never realized, the money wasn’t what we needed.

I grew up not being able to talk to anyone about my emotions. I was taught to shove all my emotions, both good and bad, down a drain that was supposed to lead into a block hole that took everything away. I was told to never trust those around me. I was showed and taught that family were the last people you should trust in this world. But, still, a part of me refused to believe everything I was taught. Sometimes, I wish I listened whole-heartedly.

I grew up believing I was a broken toy instead of a gift to the world. I was told no boy would want a girl with scars. I was told I was never ‘pretty’ with the scars that provided me a healthier life. I was told I’d never be good enough, by the one person who is supposed to love you to most. Not only did that leave scars in my skin but scars upon my heart.

I grew up not knowing who I was. But even though I spent every day trying to hide myself from the world, I know my heart has always recognized my soul.

I grew up knowing I was what people called “broken” in ways even I didn’t know. But, you know what, that doesn’t make me any less deserving; it doesn’t make me unlovable; it doesn’t make me any less capable.

I know life will constantly have peaks and valleys. There will be the ups and downs that bring us to where we are supposed to be. I know I will face tornados and tsunamis of hurt. I know I will experience life’s dream as well as life’s nightmare. I know that will never change, no matter how much I wish it to disappear. That is just who I am. And I have to accept that.

Broken

My Playlist of Memories

My Playlist of Memories

We all have that set of songs that send us back to memory lane. There are the songs that we shared with a significant other. There are the songs that got us through the tough times. There are the songs that we used to listen on blast, the ones we used to replay until we got sick of the same old lyrics. There are the songs that bring us back to the most blissful moments. There are the songs that bring us tears from the pain we sometimes don’t realize we’re still holding onto. There are the songs who have become a part of who we are.

That’s what I listened to the other day.

Just A Dream by Nelly was a song I first heard through Christina Grimmie’s and Sam Tsui’s cover on youtube before Cristina went big on The Voice. There’s a certain beat to the song that brings me a kind of joy that coexists with strength. So I travel back down that road. Will she come back? No one knows. I realize, it was only just a dream. If you ever love somebody put your hands up. If you ever love somebody put your hands. And now they’re gone and you wishin you could give them everything.

Angel with a Shotgun by The Cab was a song I liked for a while. I really started loving this song when it turned out my ex-something also loved Nightcore’s version of this song. It became our song. It became something that reminded me of him. One time when we were lying in bed he played the song and, in that moment, I truly felt at home. Even though we had a terrible falling out, this song still reminds me of my first love. They say before you start a war you better know what you’re fighting for. Well baby, you are all that I adore. If love is what you need, a soldier I will be. I’m an angel with a shotgun, fighting til’ the wars won. I don’t care if heaven won’t take me back. I’ll throw away my faith, babe, just to keep you safe.

Let Her Go by Passenger is also an all-time favorite that will always touch my heart. Everyone goes through life not truly knowing what to do. We go through trails of guess and ‘hope it’s right’ as if we’re still middle school kids taking a test on material we clearly didn’t pay attention to, let along study for. So I understand the circumstance of not knowing. But when I listen to this song and it speaks so much about regret and not being more appreciative of what we have in front of us, I can’t help but wonder how many of my past relationship I regret to have lost – or if they even regret to have let me go. There’s a part of me that will always be fond of the old memories and wonder ‘what if it worked out’ or ‘what if I go back’. Only miss the sun when it starts to snow. Only know you love her when you let her go. Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low. Only hate the road when you’re missing home. Only know you love her when you let her go. And you let her go.

Battle Scars by Paradise Fears is a song that I will probably replay over and over as one of my top favorite song until the end of time. I discovered Paradise Fears in high school when the scars on my body really made me insanely insecure and even self-sabotaging. Even though my ex-something at the time constantly reminded me that I can be loved despite all my body’s been through and despite what anyone else says, I found myself playing this song a lot whenever I hit a low point; I found myself gaining a lot of strength from these lyrics. You’ve had enough, but just don’t give up. Stick to your guns, you are worth fighting for. You know we’ve all got battle scars. Keep marching on.

Crash Test Dummy (Broken) by Reed Deming speaks the words a lot of our hearts wonder. We have gotten so used to seeing ourselves mess up and fail that sometimes we forget all the times we were strong and shined. We see all the broken parts, sometimes thinking they’re the worst parts of ourselves, and forget how beautiful and strong we still are. After all, we are truly our worst enemy. I am…insanely…guilty of this and I know it to be true. I will beat myself up over mistakes I made that ended up hurting me more than anyone. I will chew out my own ear (if even possible) about how I am not living up to my parents’ expectations for me. I will cry myself to sleep after telling myself that I am not worth fighting for. And then wonder if anyone will love me and fight myself for me. What if I’m troubled? What if I’m flawed? And what if they all just think I’m a fraud? And what if I’m left without a choice? And what if I like girls? What if boys? And what if I listen to all that they say? They promised forever and then walk away.

I’ll be honest, a lot of the songs that have stuck with me through the past few years are the songs that managed to silence my own demons. They’re the songs that can get me to forget everything running through my mind like a tornado. They’re the songs that help me escape from even my own head and go to a place where the storm has calmed. They’re the songs that have gotten me to where I am today. These songs are who I am.

More songs from my playlist:
Sanctuary by Paradise Fears
Mended by Matthew West
Safe in My Hands by Eli Lieb
Make You Stay by The Girl and The Dreamcatcher
Roses by Shawn Mendes
Written in the Scars by The Script
This Is For You by David Dunn
Shelter (Acoustic) by Nick Howard
Sincerely Me by Artist Vs Poet

If you have the time, give some of these songs a listen and let me know what you think in the comments below. Let me know if they end up touching your heart like they did mine.
Let me know if you want more song recommendations (:

Bits of each song mentioned have been attached to each paragraph above (in italics) respectively

 Song

Phone… Laptop… What About You?

Phone… Laptop… What About You?

I wake up in the morning and reach for my phone. I don’t have a visible clock when it’s dark in my room. Sometimes I scroll past the notifications – messages, emails, reminders, etc. – and sometimes I simply groan at how early it is and lie on my back until I fall asleep again.

When I’m getting ready in the morning, my phone is often playing music that keeps me up and going. I easily fall asleep if I stay in bed. I push past the urge to stay in bed and go to wash my face. Face wash. Acne medication. Brush my teeth. Brush my hair (sometimes). Go get changed and get out of the door.

My phone follows me downstairs, to the car, to school, to work, back home, and goes to sleep by my head on my bed each and every night. It’s the one friend that always sticks by me. I reach for it when I’m walking to and from classes. I check instagram as if it’s a newspaper that gets updated every other minute. I check my messages as if I really get any. I check my email and scroll past the spam. I check the time and the reminders that yell at me to get a real meal.

My phone gives me everything I need. I put everything on my calendar. I put all my reminders into that app. I have connections to my family and friends. I have my emails. I have my instagram. What else do I need?

Well…I went to lunch with my boyfriend and his sister (also a close friend of mine) yesterday. I went on and on in the car. I complained about how loud the music was. I stared out the window, amazed at the sunlight growing through the trees that we pasted by.

I set up a instagram for the new member of their family, Rylee the cockcpoo – @rylee_discoveringlife

We started posting pictures. We went in to get seated. And then shortly after I found all three of us on our phones once more. I silently wished for us to put our phones away and actually be present with each other in the short time that we actually get to spend with one another.

Every time I see my boyfriend, I can never get tired of being in his arms. I latch onto him the second we get some time alone, wanting to be closer to him. I always miss him when we can’t see each other. And when we do, I love the conversations. I love the face-to-face time we actually get. I loved walking up behind him as he washed his hands and hugged him from behind. I loved sitting in the car with him, holding his hand, and just enjoying the music and the sunny sky. I loved being present.

And that’s exactly what I’m missing when I rely on my phone too much. I love being able to put it away but I know I always need to stay updated with my sister and my parents, at least. I love being able to just enjoy the moment and not worry about anything else.

My “New Year’s Resolution”:
1. Spend at least 3 days worth of time (72 hours) a week without my phone. I can listen to music but I have to be disconnected.
2. Spend at least 2 days worth of time (48 hours) a week without my laptop. I can listen to music but I have to be disconnected.
3. Practice my cursive – aim to get better at calligraphy (1 hour a week)
4. Draw a piece of work twice a month
5. Take 20 good photos a month

Let’s see if I can keep this going for the rest of the year!

Life #1. Life #2. Life #3. Life #4.

Life #1. Life #2. Life #3. Life #4.

“Most of us have two lives. The life we live, and the unlived life within.” – Steven Pressfield

When I got into middle school, I started spending hours at my computer writing. Whether it be short stories, potentially novel length stories, poems, songs, simple paragraphs or letters, I would spend hours typing away. I thought of the blank screen as a place in which I could pour out my heart. Being a kid who hadn’t had many people, if any, that I honestly talked to and trusted fully with my raw self, I resorted to expressing myself in other mediums.

That’s when I started to call myself a writer.

When I got into high school, I fell in love with photography and discovered a burning passion I never knew I had for this art. I always wanted to go shoot. I always wanted to take my camera everywhere I went. I became well known because of my camera and my photos. And all of that slowly shaped my vision of the world. A quote I once heard says, “The camera is an instrument that teaches people how to see without a camera.” I couldn’t agree more. I stand by this quote.

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Freshman year was when I started calling myself a photographer.

Today, I write. Today, I take photos.

But there will always be a part of me that wonders “what if writing or photography was what I devoted all my life and attention towards?”

We all have a similar question. That’s what I believe is to be my “second” and “third” life. The life of a writer. The life of a photographer. Though I hold both passions close to heart and continue to advance in both mediums at my own speed, the flame within tells me that there could be more.

Sometimes I wonder how happy I would be if I spent hours and hours of the days editing photos and going on photoshoots, if photography was my career. I wonder how many people would see my work, how many hearts my work would touch. Sometimes I fantasize about being a writer whose words make a huge impact in the world and motivated people to change their lives and ways of thinking for the better. I wonder what would have happened if I had followed my heart back when.

But then I look at the life around me, and stop. I love the life I have right now. I have another passion I discovered within my first programming class. I have high hopes for the future and this potentially life-changing career. I have a wonderful boyfriend who loves me. I have irreplaceable friends who adore me. I have a better life than I had expected.

After all, this is the life I’m living. If I weren’t happy with it, I wouldn’t be living it.