Just Like That

Just Like That

Will you ruin my favorite songs if it all goes bad

A friend tells me, I always jump all in when I find someone I get along with. I always go in for the long run when I find someone that fits me. I always am all or nothing when it comes to relationships or, really, anything new.

Is this gonna end with champagne or an empty whiskey glass

I can already feel myself reaching out for his hand when we walk side by side down the street. I can already feel myself leaning back against his chest when he stands close behind me.

You lead and I’ll follow along
Let it be whatever you want
I got a feeling this is right We can sleep it on tonight

But what ruins the fun about the present is overthinking what is going to happen in the future. People overthinking, over-analyze, and over-stress over things that they already know are out of their hands. So why stress? So why worry? So why do anything more than just enjoy this time, our time, and have our fun?

When you love at first sight was it’s just nothing
Yeah Oh will we be lovers or enemies
Or maybe somewhere in between

We will not be able to guess where we will end up in the future. If we jump all in, we won’t be able to say if it will work out and we will still be together five years down the road. But if we don’t give it a real chance at tomorrow, won’t we always be wondering “what if” we had given it all we could?

It’ll be what it’s gonna be when we both look back
Are we making my favorite memories or the reason I can’t fall asleep

I don’t know where life is going to lead us to. I don’t know what five years down the road looks like from here. I don’t know what next week looks like for me. But I will give my time to someone who is willing to give their time to me. I will give my time to him if he gives his time to me.

Will you ruin my favorite songs if it all goes bad
Is this gonna end with champagne or an empty whiskey glass

And, with that, we will see where the world leads us.

**Empty Whiskey Glass by Rajiv Dhall lyrics ❤

 

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My Goodbye, For Now

My Goodbye, For Now

I’ve had this blog since June 2013. Wow, it’s been over five years since I published the first post here. It’s been eight years since I started writing, seven years since I started acknowledging my writing as a part of myself.

But, really, what does it do? You get lost in your own words. You hear your own pathetic thoughts. You listen to the echo of your lost heart trying to swim at bay. What for?

It’s time for me to revert things back to the way things used to be, with me. No longer will have you have an easy sneak peak within me. You want to know me? Figure it out. If anything, you have five years worth of my writing to go off of. But, keep in mind, the past and the present are not the same nor are the past and the future any further apart.

Walk Away

Walk Away

There comes parts of your life where you realize you have to let go of what you have to grasp the new beginnings of the future. It’s not that you aren’t grateful for what you currently have. It’s not that you don’t cherish what your life entails. It’s that you have a realization that you have to allow yourself to grow more, learn me, and explore more of the world that surrounds you. I think that’s where I am today.

During the past two years, I’ve truly appreciated everyone who had come into my life and made a positive influence to my future. I had found comfort in a foreign environment and I found my part in such a small community. I learned a lot about myself during the past couple years. I think I’ve found more of myself than I’ve expected to find out here. I am a better person for it.

I’ve made wonderful friends who genuinely care for me in their hearts. I’ve found special connections with those who are both still in my life and those who have gone their separate ways. If you have seen my post on Yin and Yang Falling Together titled, “…genuinely sweet…” , a part of what Ace* used to tell me stays in the back of my mind despite the lack of his appearance in my life. I admire the man he had grown up to be, and I wish him the best with the best parts of me. And I have a few friends like him who I care for truly but know we have to go our separate ways. I know we all met for some reason, but that doesn’t mean we were meant to stay.

Those that are around me currently, who have come from my “changed” life, are those I do care about. I want the best for them. And I hope they find everything they’re looking for, and some more. But the reappearance of some close souls have made me realized I hadn’t been holding anyone close to heart anymore.

I admit these past two years have given me time and allowed me to not only grow but heal. There had been multiple breaking points I encountered just during this short period of time. And I am grateful for everything I have here. But I know it’s time to go. It’s time for change.

Seeing old relationships back in my life, spending time with them almost heart-to-heart, had made me realize how much I’ve been isolating myself from the world around me. Even though I am there and present, my heart had always been closed and my mind was never truly there but elsewhere, somewhere in the skies. I know, I have known in the back of my mind, I do not belong somewhere I cannot fully invest myself in. If my heart isn’t there, if I am not one-hundred percent invested, what is the point of pretending that I am there?

I have come to a point in my life where I am given a chance to walk forward and, technically, walk away. And I have to be true to myself. I cannot hide the truth that I already know is true. It’s time for me to walk away.

A Little Update

A Little Update

Going to aerial with an old acquaintance has brought us closer together as she builds a professional relationship with my sister. Going paddle boarding with an old coworker has brought me some reassurance for the future that awaits me this coming fall. Going out to eat with him and old close friends had reminded me what it feels like to hold someone close to heart. Going to meetings and events has gotten me excited for everything that has yet to come.

The future might be unknown. The mystery of it all might scare us, sometimes. But, sometimes, the mystery is simply half the fun.

I don’t have all the answers I wish to discover but I have the strength to continue to walk forward. Whether I’m in the dark or in the light, I know I will have the support and love of everyone around me. Though I might have nightmares and sometimes I see my life flashing before my eyes, I know I will get through, someway, somehow.

And that’s all I could ever ask for.

So Much Has Changed

So Much Has Changed

It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s not that I don’t remember all the moments we shared together. It’s not that I cloak my confidence in worry and stress.

I learned to live without you. For years, my friend was out of reach and there was nothing either of us could do to change the past. I don’t blame you. Actually, I am grateful that you don’t blame me. But we both know we have to walk forward and figure out where things stand here and now, not reminisce in where things used to be.

My heart skipped the first time I saw you after a couple years of basically silence – worse than silence. I didn’t know what to expect. I honestly prepared myself mentally to be hit by a tsunami of the past. I was ready to feel the pain. But it never was like I thought it would go down.

You actually apologized for the year of torture. You apologized and took it upon yourself to apologize for how tormented I was. And, that itself, meant a lot more to me than the others could possibly know. I couldn’t thank you enough. Despite, I was silent that day.

Now, it’s been a while since we both walked back into each other’s lives. But, really, I still don’t know where you stand with me. I still can’t give you an answer to that question you had asked. “You meant a lot to me, maybe you still do. Maybe you don’t at all, or somewhere in between. I don’t know…” I had told you that first night. I didn’t expect you to have an answer either. But the discomfort in this unknown makes me ponder.

I see you standing there, as a person I used to want to share the world with. But we can’t deny how much things have changed, how much we have changed as individuals.

I see you standing there, but I can’t disregard everything else I have going on. The chance and need of losing the house I’ve called ‘home’ for the past eight years. The stress and worry my parents are going through, and trying to hide from me. The sickness in health I deal with on the daily, and the distress the pain my dad goes through each and every day. The campus I’m about to leave, and the one I’m about to enter. The nervousness and the excitement in “starting over”. So forth.

It’s not that I don’t care about you anymore. It’s not that I don’t wish you the best. It’s not that I don’t want to share life with you and have you in my life still.

It’s that neither of us know where we stand, and neither of us have much more room on our plates to spend too much time figuring it out.

I apologized for how preoccupied I am. I apologized for how much I’ve changed. But I refuse to apologize for how much I’ve grown during the past couple years without you here.

I Love You, Công Chúa

I Love You, Công Chúa

No one will come to compare to how much I love you.

I remember the first time we met at UCI and I thought you were older than me. Most of the volunteers at the program were older; I was always the youngest of them all by far. You had yourself so put together in the front. There was always pain in your eyes, in your heart, but you smiled through it.

Remember when I warned you not to get involved with me? I tried to push you away despite it was obvious we clicked. You were stubborn enough to tell me it was your choice to stick around, and did.

You were the first girl I’ve ever put my faith in.

I saw a part of my sister in you. When I found out you were just starting high school I wanted to do everything I could to make sure you didn’t fall into the same path I mistakenly took my freshmen year. I hung out with you and your friends. We became closer. I introduced you to my group of friends and automatically you were the ‘little one’ we all protected.

I mean, one of us had motherly instincts, another always had a thing with fixing people, the other had a very soft heart, and, well, I loved you like no other. I couldn’t bare you going through any pain. I couldn’t stand you thinking you were ever going through anything alone. I still remember the day you told me you learned how to be strong from me – and that itself is my greatest achievement by far.

But, obviously, we’ve come far from then. It’s been four years and now you’re graduating. You’ve grown into a beautiful and strong young woman. You have ambition. You have fire. You have strength like no other. And I can’t be more proud of you.

I can’t wait to see where you go in life. I can’t wait to see how much you achieve and experience along the way. After all, we’re family. You will never be alone in this world no matter how far we stray. No matter what happens, you will always have a home to stay with me. You will always have an older sister who will hold you when you’re hurting and be pissed at everything and everyone who brings you pain. You will always have me to encourage you and support you through all your life predicaments. You will always have me cheering you on to be the best version of you, for you. You will always have me, here, loving you.

Remember that. We are family after all. I love you.

Sleeve