My Escape

My Escape

I miss being able to talk to you for hours and hours without end.
I miss being able to call you up whenever knowing that you’d be there without doubt.
I miss being able to go to you whenever I needed a hand to help me up or a shoulder to cry on.
I miss being able to say that my best friend is the BEST.

But, you still are…the best I know.

You put up with me when I was grouchy, when I was moody, when I was stubborn, when I was hotheaded.
You continued to be at my side through my anxiety, through my breakdowns, through my panic attacks, through my meltdowns.
You held my hand and silently let me know things will be alright when I was nervous, when I was scared, when I was anxious.
You dealt with my mood swings, my tendency to hide things, my silence…my life.

You never once told me you were tired of dealing with me and my life.
You never once said you didn’t want to be there for me anymore.
You never once stated that you regret standing by my side through all the ups and downs.
You never once…

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Long Time No See, Sweetie

Long Time No See, Sweetie

It’s been a while since I’ve heard from you. It’s been a while since we talked for so long. It’s been a while since I’ve smiled from your words or laughed from your personality. I’ve missed it.

For a while now, I admit, I haven’t missed you…but I’ve missed that feeling – the feeling I get when it’s so natural talking to you; the feeling I get when you bring a smile to my face; the feeling I get when I look forward to your reply; the feeling I get when you laugh at what I say. I’ve missed being able to be comfortable with someone, because it seems I’m guarded with everyone but you.

It’s funny how you still are the excluded one even after all that you’ve put me through.

I still will cherish this friendship. I still will cherish your time. I still will cherish how much you care about me and the efforts you put in me as time passes by.

I will still appreciate the connection we have. I will still help you here and there when I can. I will still feel proud of you and encourage you for the better. I will still want to make you happy.

Things have changed but…maybe, hopefully, our friendship will survive even to later years.

I wonder how you’ve been during the past so months. I wonder how things are at home with your cousin and your father. I wonder how things are with classes – how your professors are and how you’re transitioning to school. I wonder how your relationships have been with everyone. I wonder how your physical health is. I wonder how you’ve been emotionally too.

Despite all, I know you’ll get through. Sometimes I wish I could be there for you but I know you will be okay and I have faith in you. Despite all, I hope you’ve grown a bit more. I hope you’ve found something better in life.

I hope you’ve surpassed the past.

Welcome Back…

Welcome Back…

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked.
I know a lot has changed – on my side of the story anyway.
I know it’s time to focus on the future more than what’s happening right now.
I know we’ll both just get busier and busier.

I know it’s wary to say I still “feel at home” when talking to you.
I know it’s wary to say you’re still the easiest person to talk to…and most enjoyable at times.
I know it’s wary to say I am realizing the empty place you left in my life has been filled since you’ve come back.
I know it’s wary to say there are some things that cannot be duplicated in a relationship with someone else that I have with you.

But…

I know I will never trust you the same, if I can come trust you at all after everything you put me through.
I know I will never forget everything that happened for it had scarred me for life.
I know I will never be able to go back to how things were and feel like that again.
I know I will never be that little girl who trusted, who believed, who thought her fairytale would never end.

I know I am still trying to heal as I push the pain to the side.
I know I am still trying to accept and move forward from the scar you had left behind.
I know I am still trying to go through my life and find strength to be alright.
Because I know…I am still trying to push past the scar that continues to haunt me day in and day out.

But…

I know you bring a smile to my face as I am able to talk freely with you since…I always have my guard up uncomfortably high with nearly everyone else.
I know you make me feel better when you listen to my struggles and rants since…no one else will listen or puts up with my problems.
I know you give me a sense of well-being because I know you accept me for who I am since…everyone else seems to always be pointing out flaws and pushing me to change, not liking anything about who I truly am.

……what do I say?

I know I’m stressed out with everything that is going on in my life right now.
I know I don’t have much of an escape route, any outlet of any sort.
I know I’m dealing with a lot right now, physically and mentally, and feel overwhelmed some of the times.
I know I have a lot of pressure, a lot of expectations, a lot of…everything, that sometimes I just want to scream.

So, I know I might be too glad that you’re back in my life.
I know I might be too happy that I have someone to talk to who will accept me, listen to me, and be there for me…even if that person is you.
I know I might be too grateful for the little that you go because of everything I’m dealing with, everything that life’s putting me through.

I know I’m welcoming you back with open arms even though I might want to consider being more wary.
I know I’m becoming too excited about talking to you even though I might want to keep my distance.
I know I’m jumping in too far too fast even though I might want to not think of it as anything yet.
I know I’m starting to believe in you again too quick even though I might want to not trust anything right now.

But…

Welcome back. 🙂

Mistake (n.)

Mistake (n.)

I used to love you with all my heart. I used to love you to a point where it was too much for my own good. I used to put you over everything else. And that was my mistake.

Mistake (n.) – an action or judgment that is misguided or wrong

I remember pushing things aside to make room for you in my day just so I could possibly, just maybe, make your day a little better. I remember taking on your duties and offering to help a lot more than I normally would just so I could lighten your load. I remember lying about my own circumstances and situations in order to brush off my own problems and issues just so you didn’t have to worry about more. I remember going crazy worrying for you, about you. I remember doing so much for you. I remember overthinking many nights and problems because of you. I remember doing things I wouldn’t have done if not for you. I remember pushing myself, my own limits, for your sake. And that was my mistake.

I pretended to be okay and pushed myself to go through the day even with everything I had been dealing with, mentally and physically, in hopes that it would make it easier for you to focus on your work and your day. I pretended that I could do it all in hopes that I could take the weight off your shoulders. I pretended to be fine with some things in hopes that it would make you happy. And that was my mistake.

I asked for you to be there when I needed you. I asked for you to help me through my pains. I asked for you to listen and support me when I needed it. I asked for you to give me your time and heart…because that was what I thought you would want to give me. After all, you had said you loved me most. And that was my mistake.

I loved you too much. I gave you too much.

I still love you, but not as much. I would still give you my time and attention, but I wouldn’t prioritize you too the top as much. I would still be willing to help, but not as much. I would still want to be there for you, but not as much. I would still give, but not as much. I wouldn’t want to lose myself again and, instead of looking for me, look towards you. That was my mistake.

Things have changed since the last time we spoke. I won’t make that mistake again, with you or anyone else. Not again.

Mistake

Changed

Changed

Narrow-minded to more open-minded.
Distant to more open.
Quiet to more talkative.
Cold to more welcoming.

Being able to only see the pain to being able to see happiness.
Being able to only feel hurt to being able to feel at peace.
Being able to only look back to being able to plan for the future.

Defensive to more flexible.
Stubborn to more fluid.
Possessive to more giving.
Protective to more understanding.

Being able to only see the bad in new people to being able to see what could be good in them.
Being able to only question their genuine to being able to understand not everyone is alike.
Being able to only remember the past to understanding that it might not reoccur again.

It’s incredible how pain can alter a person.
It’s incredible how moving on can change a person.

Being able to only hate what happened to knowing how to move on.
Being able to only know what’s broken to realizing the pieces can be picked up again and put back together – or rebuilt anew.
Being able to only trust pain to enjoying happiness.

It Will Sound The Same

It Will Sound The Same

Looking into the future, there was no doubt in the years we would spend together. Looking to the past, there is no doubt how far we have come and how much we have survived.

But looking beside me during this time, I have many doubts on where we will go and what we could do. Another battle, another brutal playing field, another gallon of hurt and pain comes to drain the light from life, cover the little spark in our eyes and take any energy or strength we have left to push forward and survive.

Could you see yourself
Growing old with me,
Watchin’ my head turn to grey?
Could you live with me
In my mistakes,
And the ones I have yet to make?

So when our eyes have seen their better days
And our hearing starts to fade
Put your arms ’round my neck, and your heart on my chest
“I Love You” will still sound the same
“I Love You” will still sound the same

Weeks and weeks have passed and the look you give has never changed. The feeling, the emotion, the sincerity…everything has remained the same. There is a small gap between us that still needs to mend, but I have faith and I believe that it will, sometime along the way to the end. There’s a quote that says everything will be okay in the end, and if it’s not okay it’s not the end.

There is another quote that I will pull on that states the impossibility of forgetting someone you love because it is as possible as remembering someone you never met.