Hi.

Hi.

I know I deserve better. I know I have the right to expect more. I know better, now.

I know I have a choice of who to let into my life. I know I have a choice of who I keep close and who I let go. I know I have a choice to stay or to walk away.

I know I have a choice because this is my life. I know because I have come to recognize my future as something only I have the power to write. I know because everything I have gone through has lead me to this point and now I understand.

I know I have come a long way from where I used to stand. I used to be confused. I used to wander around aimlessly trying to fight for something that wasn’t worth my breathe. I used to grasp a hold onto something that wasn’t there. I used to play pretend as if that would solve the world’s problems. But, no, it doesn’t.

This is my life and I have to live it, for me. I am the only one who has to deal with the decisions I make, so they better be good ones. I am the only one who has to live the future I plan out now. I am the only one who can do this, for me.

I know I am better than who I was in my past. I know I am better than the pain that aches in my chest. I know I am worth more than some people give me credit for.

I know I’ve made mistakes in the past. I know I’ve really messed up more than just a couple times. I know I had a lot of growing up to do, and that’s what I ended up doing.

I know I deserve better. I know I have the right to ask for better, and if it cannot be provided than I have the choice to either fight for it or let it go. Sometimes ‘it’ doesn’t deserve a fight though. Sometimes ‘it’ is simply better to let it go. And that’s what I did.

I got tired of waiting around for a knight in shinning armor to come around and safe my ass. I got tired of always wanting someone to tell me everything was going to be okay. So I got up and saved my own ass. I got up and did something with my life so I know it will be okay.

I know better now. I know I can do better. I know I can get better.

I am sorry. But, now, I know. I learned. I made a life for myself. I walked away when you decided to leave, one more time. I’m done.

I am sorry because you never got to say the goodbye you wanted to. I am sorry because I will not give you the comfort of hearing the words ‘good’ and ‘bye’ come from my mouth.

I am sorry. I am done.

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I’m Sorry Because I Know

I’m Sorry Because I Know

I’m a worrier. I spread myself thin a lot of the times. I try to do more than I should. I take larger bites than I can handle.

I get stressed and say it’s part of life. I get overwhelmed and believe it’s it’ll pass on by. I get hopeless and tell myself it’s just a phase.

I feel like I have to be there for every friend I have because I know what it’s like to have no one. I feel like I have to take care of everything I possibly can because I remember what it felt like when I was struggling with no one around to help. i feel like I always have to put my best foot forward for someone, anyone, because I remember how it felt when someone did that for me.

That’s me.

I help everyone I can. I am there for everyone I can. Even if it means spreading myself thin, or getting overwhelmed by how much I try to do, I believe trying can sometimes be enough. I do the little things that let people know someone’s there for them. I reach out to those who I need a helping head to let them know someone cares and worries for them. I give out the small gestures that I can to let people know that they aren’t alone. Because, guess what, I remember what it felt like when no one did that for me…and I remember when someone did do even the smallest thing to brighten my day. They’re two different worlds apart.

I remember what it felt like to want someone, just one person, to genuinely reach out to me to help. I remember what it felt like to be hopeless and feel so bitterly alone in this world. I remember struggling but being afraid to ask for help. I remember thinking no one really cared or worried about me. I remember that, all of that, and I remember never wanting any one else to feel that way.

So I apologize ahead of time to those of you in my life already who are getting closer to me, to those of you who are close to me, and to those of you strangers out there who will become a big part of my life. I apologize if I get comfortable around you to go off about worrying for someone else. I apologize for asking for your opinion and asking for help whenever it is that I do. I apologize for spending a lot of time talking about my relationship with others, or their life and how I would like to help. I apologize for wanting to help you, in any way I can, which means asking to know more about your life and where I can stand. I apologize if it comes cumbersome to hear about these things. I apologize if I don’t pay attention to you enough when things get overwhelming. I apologize for not being genuinely present with you because of something that is happening in someone else’s life. I apologize for wanting to help as much as I can. I apologize if it becomes a drag. I apologize if I sound like I’m nagging. I apologize if I seem to get overbearing. I apologize…for being me.

But I am this way because I remember what it was like to have no one guide me the right way. I remember what it was like to be lost in the world, like we all kind of still are. I remember being forgetful and wishing there was someone to remind me. I remember wanting to have someone to simply ask about my days. I remember wishing there was someone who genuinely wanted to take care of me. I remember wishing there was someone to help me with the weight on my shoulders.

I remember.

I know what it’s like, just like a lot of us do. I know how it feels like. I know what kinds of thoughts begin to flood through your head. I know. I know, and I want to do something.

I might not be able to take all the weight off your shoulders, but I can be there and give you and helping hand whenever it is that I can. I might not be able to control some variables in life, but I can be there to remind you that you are never alone in this fight. I might not be able to do everything for you, but I can help you through it. I might not be able to help as much as I want to, but I can definitely try.

Never Would’ve

Never Would’ve

I never would have guessed that you’d come back and be my best friend. I never would have guess you’d be the one person I can talk to, if anyone, again. I never would have guessed…I’d trust you once again.

It’s a few months before one year from the time I declared that I didn’t trust you. You knew it. I knew it. But you wanted it said. I didn’t trust you, with anything.

But that was in the middle of the time that you tried so very hard to win my trust over again, and I was bending. I was stubborn, as always, but you were winning me over with all your attempts and tries.

That was also the time near the day you talked to my best friend at the time about how you were starting to like me again. He told you, if you were falling for me again, then your feelings never went away. He asked you if you were going to tell me and you responded with saying that you didn’t want to mess things up. In your mind, I would’ve backed away from you; you didn’t want to lose me again, not this time.

It’s almost been a year since then. You found a love you don’t know you will ever forget. I went through a love I know I will never forget, but also never regret.

It’s almost been three, four years since we first met. We’ve both grown since then. So much as changed, so much as happened, etc.

I never would’ve guessed we’d be here today.

April 14: Underestimate

April 14: Underestimate

You look at me with worry. You watch over me with concern. You read me with curiosity.

Life has been draining. There has been so many things happening at once, none of which seem all that great. You know I am not okay.

You watch over me and look out for me, which I appreciate dearly. You give me support from a distance knowing I need to be alone for a while, which I love you for. You are patient with me, which I am grateful for.

But I can see those times where you question whether I will make it and ask of you to not give up on me. I see your concern grow as I break down on some days, but I ask of you to not panic. I watch you worry yourself with me, but I ask you to believe in me and not underestimate me.

I can do this. I can get through this. I can make it. I will be okay again.

I know there are times where I am drained of energy, I question the point of trying, I worry for my own sake, etc. but I will always get back up on my feet. I will find the strength to raise back up. I will gather the courage to continue fighting on and walk through this life.

I ask of you to not doubt me. I ask of you to have faith in me, even when I do not. I ask of you to be patient with me. I ask of you to keep supporting me. I ask of you to be there for me.

But I ask of you to not underestimate me.

I will get through everything life throws at me. Sometimes, I’ll just need a helping hand. Sometimes, I’ll just keep an encouraging smile. Sometimes, I’ll just need an understanding hug.

But, in the end, I will be okay.

Please, believe in me instead of doubting me.

Underestimate

I See You

I See You

I see the pain in your eyes. I see how much you are struggling to balance and handle everything life throws at you. I see how tired you are growing. I see how close you are getting to giving up. I see the immense weight on your shoulders you are trying to bear. I see the little course of light inside you getting tired, but it still wants to fight. Sweetheart, I see you.
I get it. I know that silence you hear when your thoughts are all too jumbled and loud. I know the pain of trying your best and still somehow not being good enough. I know how much energy gets drained from you, even from the simplest tasks throughout the day. I know the struggle of fighting of the darkness because all you want to do, all you think you are capable of doing anymore is trying to stay sane.

For the ones around me. I see you trying to pick your outfits of the day. I see you attempting to go out of your comfort zone to get noticed. I see your desire to get heard and be seen in a good light. I see you waiting to escape from all the pains of dramas in life. I see you trying to block out the hatred and focus on the positive in life. I see you doing your best to survive and make those around you proud. I see you wanting to live up to their expectations. I see you losing yourself as you try to make them happy. I see you struggling to comprehend what it is to love yourself. I see you pushing off taking care of yourself to be there for others. I see you doing everything you think you can. I see you being left in disappointment. Sweetie, I see you.
I get it. I know how impatient you are getting as you wait for the escape from life. I know how it feels like to question whether things will ever be better than how things are. I get how frustrating it is to wonder if this is all you are meant to do, all you are meant to be in life. I know the struggle of trying to block out the negativity. I know how hard it is to not let everyone and everything get to you. I know the fight that seems to be you against the world. I know it feels as if everything is just getting harder and harder, worse and worse. I know how it feels to start to give up on life and humanity itself.

I’m sorry. I know how it feels but I can’t fix it for you. I can’t magically make everything better for you. I wish I could. I wish I could protect you from everything that is life, but I cannot. I am not capable of doing so many things that I wish I could. I’m sorry. I can’t do anything for you….but be here when you need me. I know it’s a hard battle. I know it’s an exhausting fight every day. I know…I’m here for you. I promise. I’m here for you. Now and until the end of time.

Friends

Friends

Looking back to when I heard the saying “the friends you meet in college are the friends for life”, I had always thought I was fortunate enough to meet my “friends for life” in high school. I thought we were an unstoppable, unbreakable team; we had gone through so much together, grew up together, and bonded over so much. But I might’ve been wrong.

I’ve met these friends. They’re these incredible three people. One knows me and understands me like no other, another has gone through thick and thin with me, and the last had been there through everything.

My first friend:
He was the first person I met who understood some things no one else would get. He was the first person who listened to me like he did, cared for me, took care of me. The way we watched over each other, the way we connected and bonded, the way we joked around and enjoyed life with each other. I will never forget the late night phone calls that consisted of both hours of joking around and hours of deep conversation. I will never forget the days we escaped from life, from the drama around us, from everything. I will never forget those deep brown eyes, that smile. I will never forget him. I will be waiting for him to come back to me.

My second friend:
She was the first friend who was close to me that was a girl. It wasn’t because I was sexist, but I just got along with the boys better. She was one of the only close girl friends I had. She always wished to help me and tried her best to whenever she could. She respected me unconditionally. She believed in me. The way we talked, the way we went to each other for things, the way we got along. I will never forget the conversations we had. I will never forget those worried eyes that looked up to me. I will never forget how we “mother”ed each other. I will never forget her. I will be looking forward to going back to her when I’m more okay, when I’ve found myself.

My third friend:
He was the first friend who put more effort into me when I was in a dark time. He was the first friend who had gone through so much with me and yet still is by my side. The way we weren’t afraid to say the truth to each other, the way we talked and got along, the way we fought. I will never forget all the drama we went through. I will never forget how much pain we went through. I will never forget all the things that were said and promises that were kept. I will never forget all the weird conversations and the random topics. I will be looking forward to hearing from him later on.

We might drift apart now. We might stop being friends for a while. We might not talk for some time. But I know we’ll come back together no matter what. But I know we’ll be okay later on. But I know we’ll always have each other.

May 3: Abandoned

May 3: Abandoned

She looked into the brown eyes which were searching for something in hers. They were looking for some sign of her giving in to their request: trust. They were looking for some sign of her desire to put down her walls and let them earn her trust.

She sighed. Of course I want to trust you. Don’t think that because I push people away, I don’t want someone close I can rely on. But I’m scared. You know, I have trust issues. 

You’ve been left too many times. Idiots have betrayed your trust too many times. I don’t blame you for having your guard up for me, but please…I’m different. I won’t leave you. I don’t want to hurt you. 

Somewhere in the mess of life, she trusted what she had been told. She allowed herself to get close to these two eyes. She allowed herself to trust.

But that was the mistake she later got punished for.

One mistake, one wrong move, and it’s the people close to you that you will always lose. This was something she had always believed. One wrong move, and people will never be able to look at you the same. One mistake, and people won’t want to be around you anymore. 

But I’m different. I don’t care what mistakes you’ve made and what you’ve done in your past. I’m a part of your present and your future. Your past has made you who you are, but does not define who you have become. 

These pretty words ran through her head until she believed them. She believed that no matter what she did, she would have a friend in them. She believed that no matter what happened, they would always be okay. She believed that no matter what life threw at them, they would still be best friends. She believed…wrong…for one day…

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I can’t be your friend anymore. 

It’s complicated. I can’t be there for you anymore. I’m sorry. 

I should’ve known. I should’ve known this dream was going to become a nightmare. These were her best friends; they had become everything to her. When she heard these words and many more, in various levels of harshness,  her heart broke.

There were times when she looked up to these brown eyes once again. Each time, she searched for something. She searched for some sign that they still cared; she searched for some sign that her friend was still there.

But after a while, she stopped searching for her friend. Her friends had grown apart and they had forgotten about the many memories they had created together. This was a nightmare come true for her.

Betrayed. Abandoned. Done.

I should’ve known. I knew better…why did I? She blamed herself for what had happened when, in reality, she had been the one fighting for the friendships when her friends had given up. Why am I always the one to give more? Why is it that, even with that, I am always the one left with nothing? 

Abandoned