May 3: Abandoned

May 3: Abandoned

She looked into the brown eyes which were searching for something in hers. They were looking for some sign of her giving in to their request: trust. They were looking for some sign of her desire to put down her walls and let them earn her trust.

She sighed. Of course I want to trust you. Don’t think that because I push people away, I don’t want someone close I can rely on. But I’m scared. You know, I have trust issues. 

You’ve been left too many times. Idiots have betrayed your trust too many times. I don’t blame you for having your guard up for me, but please…I’m different. I won’t leave you. I don’t want to hurt you. 

Somewhere in the mess of life, she trusted what she had been told. She allowed herself to get close to these two eyes. She allowed herself to trust.

But that was the mistake she later got punished for.

One mistake, one wrong move, and it’s the people close to you that you will always lose. This was something she had always believed. One wrong move, and people will never be able to look at you the same. One mistake, and people won’t want to be around you anymore. 

But I’m different. I don’t care what mistakes you’ve made and what you’ve done in your past. I’m a part of your present and your future. Your past has made you who you are, but does not define who you have become. 

These pretty words ran through her head until she believed them. She believed that no matter what she did, she would have a friend in them. She believed that no matter what happened, they would always be okay. She believed that no matter what life threw at them, they would still be best friends. She believed…wrong…for one day…

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry. I can’t be your friend anymore. 

It’s complicated. I can’t be there for you anymore. I’m sorry. 

I should’ve known. I should’ve known this dream was going to become a nightmare. These were her best friends; they had become everything to her. When she heard these words and many more, in various levels of harshness,  her heart broke.

There were times when she looked up to these brown eyes once again. Each time, she searched for something. She searched for some sign that they still cared; she searched for some sign that her friend was still there.

But after a while, she stopped searching for her friend. Her friends had grown apart and they had forgotten about the many memories they had created together. This was a nightmare come true for her.

Betrayed. Abandoned. Done.

I should’ve known. I knew better…why did I? She blamed herself for what had happened when, in reality, she had been the one fighting for the friendships when her friends had given up. Why am I always the one to give more? Why is it that, even with that, I am always the one left with nothing? 

Abandoned

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Aside

How can you tell someone who wants to start over that you will never look at them the same? How can you hurt that person who put you through immense pain when you don’t want to hurt them at all? How can you tell them that when you don’t want to put them through what they had done to you?

What are you expected to do when something you were forced to give up on suddenly returns to you? What are you suppose to do when the one thing that you felt so much pain from comes back and asks to make things better? What are you expected to do when the person – the person who you once trusted, the person who once left you broken hearted – come back and wants things to go back to how they were?

I can’t push someone away and abandon them when they need me. That’s not who I am. That is not who I will ever be.

But I can’t bring myself to trust this person anymore…

When To Walk Away

When To Walk Away

I don’t want to come to disrespect myself. I don’t want to come to the point where I would shun myself for the things I’ve done if I was on the outside looking in. I don’t want to come to hate myself. I don’t want to come to the point where I can’t think well of myself because of the things I know I’ve done.
But I also don’t want to leave.

I have to respect myself to give my happiness importance. I have to respect myself enough to walk away when I deserve better. I have to respect myself enough to say ‘no’ even when I want to wait for the time to say ‘yes’. I have to respect myself to push my own needs above of someone else’s…even when it’s someone I hold close at heart.
But I haven’t before…why start now?

I have walked away before (once) from a situation I deserved better in. I have abandoned people who treated me poorly after years of hanging onto what I thought was still there, and worth it to stay. I have said ‘no’ to things I wanted to say ‘yes’ to because I knew it was the right thing to do.
I have before. Will I now?

I don’t want to hurt anyone. Yes, I’d rather be the person feeling the hurt rather than be the one seeing another endure the pain.

The question is: Am I tired of getting hurt yet?

June 26: Take It From Me

June 26: Take It From Me

I give out advice, but sometimes it’s more of a “Do what I say, and not what I do” situation instead of me setting the good example.

One of the things I’ve recently found myself saying is: Make sure you realize when you deserve better. And when you do, respect yourself enough to walk away and find something better.

This goes back, in a sense, to my past post: https://mysteriesoflifeyouandme.wordpress.com/2015/06/14/know-when-you-deserve-better/
I knew, in the back of my mind, that I deserved better from my friends. But friendships are a weak point for me, I can’t imagine letting something like that go because of the memories and everything we’ve gone through “together”. I felt horrible at times, and there were countless times where I felt as if I was never wanted or accepted, but I couldn’t manage to let myself walk away. In a way, I didn’t want to abandon them…no matter how horrible they treated me.

Friends are the family you meet and choose. They are supposed to treat you well. If not like family, at least like real friends. And I knew my friends weren’t doing that. I just didn’t seem to respect myself enough to walk away and find something better. I didn’t think I’d be “lucky enough” to find friends like that, or meet someone who understood me like they did. But, in reality, I wasn’t really ‘lucky’ to find someone like those people and they never really ‘understood’ me as a person either.
There wasn’t really anything holding me back/stopping me from leaving, but myself. I just had to find that courage and that respect for myself to be able to actually do something about how I was being treated.

Another piece of advice I love to tell people, but never follow myself, would be: Don’t get involved with manipulation. Don’t get involved with someone who has a past with manipulation. Don’t get involved with that “other world” behind manipulation.

Well, it’s a little too late for me to not get involved with ‘that world’. And everyone who has stepped in knows it’s very difficult, close to impossible, to find our way out.
That’s all I’ll say about that.

Take It From Me

Know When You Deserve Better

Know When You Deserve Better

I hate how you never truly know who is your true friend anymore. Even if they are there throughout so many hard times during your life together, they might not truly be your friend. You might deserve better. You might need just a little bit more than what they have to give.

Right now, I’m finding out that a lot of the people in my group of friends aren’t really the best friends I should be having. And this is my group for two years. For me, that’s a long time, knowing how hard it is for me to make friends and actually stay friends.

It’s been really confusing me because these people have been there for me through so much. They’ve helped me out of so many pains I had to deal with during the last two years. But, now, what I am realizing is that they were the root of all my pain in the first place. Minus one or two people, of course.

So, throughout the last two years, it’s been them throwing a rock at me and then coming over with a bandage to see why I’m hurt. It has been them backstabbing me and then trying to figure out why I was bleeding.

These aren’t the friends I thought I was hanging around.
For the past two years, everyone has always been against me. It was everyone vs me during almost every single thing that went wrong during the past years.

And you know what? I’m really tired of it. I know I’m a loyal friend. I know I’m a caring friend. I know what I bring to the table. And, even though it has taken me almost all my life to realize this, I know I deserve better than the fake friends I’ve always been having.

I do have true friends right now. A couple actually. And I love them. Because of them, I am starting to push away those who don’t exactly live up to their own standards of a friend. Because of them, I have my bar set to the right place. My friends, from now on, need to be actual friends. Not that BS devil friend who only pretends to be there when they need something.

I Shouldn’t Be Missing You

I Shouldn’t Be Missing You

Somehow I’m still waiting for you to check up on me. I still wait for you to ask how my day was, or how that big test went for me….or if I’m doing better since you know I went home sick and nearly fainting from exhaustion. Somehow I was lying in bed, sick as a dog, and still wondering if you were debating whether to check up on me or not.

The last time we really talked, you said you still cared. Does that mean you still love me? Probably not.

I remember faintly between drifting off to sleep and waking up exhausted, still missing your presence. I wonder how you are. I checked in on you when you took your finals, after every day of them, and know you don’t believe you did so well. I wished i could’ve done something to help. I wanted to be there for you…somehow.

I guess the truth is…I still want a friendship to be existing between us. Throughout all the years we’ve been friends, I want so much for something to have lasted. But it’s become to hard to speak to you, so difficult to hold up a conversation, to pretend like I don’t care.

You know me well enough. Don’t you know that I miss you?

I’m still trying to hold onto something I know isn’t truly there anymore. Why. Why can’t I let go? Because I don’t think I’ll be lucky enough to be granted with something like that again. The friendship we had before. The connection. Anything we had…before everything was thrown away. I don’t think I’ll ever get it again.

Even if I were to be granted that again…I don’t think I’ll be fearless enough to believe it’s true.

This Pain

This Pain

I feel as if some things will always just be a messed up lie, no matter how much you rewind it and play it to be true.

I want to believe they still care. I want to believe as if this friendship will work out. I want to believe that they want this to work as much, or even more, than I do. I want to believe everything that they use to say had all been true.

But how much can I trust at this point?

A part of me has thrown everything before the accident into the trash. The fact that that incident happened is proof that whatever happened before was a waste of time. Right? And everything after that has…plainly been painful. I didn’t want to believe there was a huge gaping hole in our relationship, but the more I deny it the more I feel it.

We’ve become distant. We’ve become cold. We’ve become…strangers almost. I hate the feeling that we are drifting apart. I thought somehow this could work. A friendship after everything could survive through this, since it’s been going on for so many years. We’ve been friend for soo many years. Why can’t it survive through THIS?

-sigh- I miss them. I miss the conversation we use to have. I miss the..person I always had there. I miss sharing every bit of life with each other. I miss my best friend. Where is that person now? I don’t know…but I wish things would go back to how they use to be.

But, in reality, I know it’s not going to go back anytime soon. I know there will always be that gap between us for the next chunk of our lives. That hurt. That pain. That suffering we went through will always be there. It will be there until..we both move on and heal from it. Then maybe the mending can continue…or just even start.

I hope this time will come soon. It’s been hard having them in and out of my life for the past years. One minute they’re here and I love it and we’re wonderful. Next we are silent and we have that space in time where we don’t talk. Then they’re back. Then gone just a few minutes later. Then suddenly it’s as if I saw a shadow of them, and I get reminded of them. Later they appear and we’re back. We’re better than ever. But now…I don’t even know whether to describe it as them being gone or here. It’s a bit of both. And it’s torturous.

I don’t know how much more of this I can take </3