Destiny?

Destiny?

You insist that everything should come naturally, that if you have to “work” at something maybe it’s not meant to be. I totally disagree.

Whether you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives or the career path we wish to take down the road, your perception has blurred your sight of reality.

My good friend is working her ass off towards a new career path. She is struggling and she is swimming frantically through the pool of sharks that is the roadblocks in her way, but she isn’t giving up. And that’s the most important part here. Success isn’t easy. Having that fairytale dream life you wanted ever since you were nine years old is nearly an impossible task. But if you’re going to tell me that you’re so scared to fail that the amount of work you need to put into your life makes you want to walk away, then walk away.

If you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives, then you really need to wake up. One relationship with one friend has the potential to give you a headache, but also has the potential to give you everything you need. Yes, your schedules are going to clash. You both have your separate lives. You both are working hard towards your goals. You have to understand that time isn’t for free. But it’s the friendships that you work on that are the ones that turn out priceless. You have to be understanding. You have to be patient. And if you aren’t willing to do that for a good friend, then walk away.

You insist that things that are meant to be don’t need work? Wake up.

I don’t care what kind of prodigy you are; I don’t care what you have up your sleeves that make everything work for you; I don’t care what you think is written in the stars. If you aren’t willing to work hard in order to get what you want, then walk away.

If something means enough to you, it should not matter how much work you have to put into it to survive. If something means enough to you, you wouldn’t complain about the work you have to put in. If something means enough to you, you will work towards it; you will work towards your dreams.

And if you’re just wasting your time with something for the mere existence of something in your life, then walk away.

Don’t stand in front of the exit with a foot out the door. Don’t stand in front of that person and waste their time if you are not willing to treat them with the care and respect they deserve. Don’t insist that you are always right when, in reality, you need to wake up and realize how wrong you are.

Not everything is “written in the stars” but that doesn’t mean you can’t write it in yourself.

Insist

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The Good in The Bad

The Good in The Bad

The past couple weeks haven’t been the best. You can tell by my last few blogs on here about that numbing silence or the yearn to scream and to be told my friend is there for me. I can’t tell you that I’ve felt better, but I can say things are a lot easier.

I try not to think about it anymore. I try to occupy my time. I do my best to not stay in bed for days at a time. Let’s be honest. I let myself dwell in buckets full of my emotions way too much and way too long. But that’s how I am.

And during this time, one friend reminding me that I am genuinely cared for has pushed me to go the distance.

Let me explain how our friendship has turned out:

At first, I could talk to him for a couple hours at least twice a week. Random topics. Us being two weirdos. Just having a laugh and forgetting some of the stresses of the world. I knew I had a good feeling about this friendship for a reason; I knew I had a good feeling about him for a reason.

After a while, he went back to his normal habits of texting and we both got busier so we would talk less, see each other less. I’m the kind of person who can’t stand forgetting to respond to someone. It’s up there right next to not being able to stand seeing little red spots all over my screen, yelling at me for not checking something. He’s different.

Now, I get maybe one text once a week from him and I respond with one (while spamming him every now and then when I see a cool photo on Instagram, or need someone to rant to). Our “one text”s are long, though. They’re paragraphs just because of how many things I rant about throughout the week (I need to stop doing that. Sometimes it just feels better to be able to rant to someone despite getting a response because, honestly there sometimes isn’t a response to be given).

I saw him for maybe five minutes the other day between my jobs. He asked if I was feeling better. And it wasn’t like when normal people ask if you’re okay and you kinda already know they’re just asking to say they asked. I can always see it in his eyes that he genuinely wants to know and he genuinely cares. And that made my day, because it also made me realize that I am feeling better. Maybe it’s not perfect yet but I’m feeling a little better. That’s something!

You guys, it’s the little things!

Like the other day, when I was stressed over my head and my brain felt like it was going to burst into a million pieces, I went to my dad and told him; I went to my mom and talked about how stressed I am. And, guess what, even though they didn’t know how to help or what words to say to make it better, they listened. My mom tried to give me some pointers; she rubbed my back and told me it was going to be okay. And that meant the world to me.

Even when the world seems to be working against us, we really do need to remember and cherish these small moments that mean the world.

No Longer Sorry

No Longer Sorry

I’m no longer going to apologize for knowing I deserve better. I’m no longer going to say sorry because you aren’t what I need. I’m no longer going to stay silent and repress my wants, my needs, and my feelings just so you can say everything’s okay.

Through the last many friendships, and the last couple relationships, I’ve learned a lot about what I need within my relations with others. I’ve learned about what I need. I’ve learned about what I need to walk away from. I’ve learned that I have a say.

I need someone to be supportive and encouraging. I need someone who is very observative. I need someone who is values deep conversations and emotional connections more than physical connections and lust or desire.

I need someone who is willing to be vulnerable. I need someone who will be 100% in the relationship, not someone who will put a foot out the door every time it gets scary.

I need someone I can be myself around, one hundred percent myself around. I need someone who I can be vulnerable with. I need someone who I don’t feel the need to hide from. I need someone who loves me for every piece of who I am.

I need someone I can have fun with. I need someone to engulf in careless days of joy with. I need someone I can be spontaneous with. I need someone who still sees the light in my eyes.

I need someone who thinks I’m beautiful, strong, intelligent. I need someone to push me to grow. I need someone to want the best for me. I need someone to experience life with. I need someone who wants to be there, in my life.

I need someone who tries to understand my pain, when I’m in pain. I need someone who tries to see why there are tears in my eyes, when I cry. I need someone who sees the reason behind my laughter, when I’m having a good time. I need someone who sees me, for everything that I am whether that be the mask I wear or the layers beneath. I need someone who loves me as I am but also encourages me to grow.

I need someone who is willing to be a part of something that will enhance growth. I need someone who is willing to listen to me and talk to me, honestly. I need someone who will be patient with me and understanding, and expect the same from me.

I need someone who is willing to get hurt because being here is worth the risk of a heartbreak at the end.

I need someone to make me feel full of life not an empty soul.

Cavity
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Farewell, Ole Friend…. – Branching Out

To the world:
I am a face. I am a person. I am a stranger without a name.
I am one without a backstory. I am one without a history, because no one knows it yet.
I am someone behind a screen. I am one more person to worry about. I am another who needs money to survive.

To the ones who see me:
I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a sister. I have a name.
I am a student. I am still young. I am growing up. I am “old enough”.
I am a girl. I can be a wife. I can be a mother, a mother who has a son.
I am a mystery. I am someone to be intrigued by. I have a story. I have a life.

To my friends:
I am a hard worker. I am dedicated. I am passionate. I am caring.
I am considerate. I am thankful. I am grateful. I am helpful.
I am someone who struggles. I am someone who has problems. I am someone who deals with life.
I am a writer. I am a photographer. I am an engineering major. I am someone dedicated to STEM.
I am still learning. I am still figuring things out. I am still exploring the world that surrounds.

To my parents:
I am a daughter who has been through too much. I am the youngest of two. I am the little princess of the family.
I am closed off. I am distant. I am everything they taught me to be.
I am confusing. I am difficult. I am stubborn like a bull. I am a time bomb waiting to explode.
I am precious. I am delicate. I am not capable of handling my own health.
I am a stranger in both the two houses in which I have lived in.

To me:
I am a warrior. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am not one to mess with.

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Confused and Exhausted. Physically and Mentally.

Having to remember you truly do not know the person you are falling for is definitely difficult when he is constantly the person you want to share your life with. When I get to a point where I want the entire world to disappear around me in order for my mind to rest, I would rather be in his arms and in his bed than my own house and my own room. When I get excited, it’s most likely because I am going to see him later that day. When I feel emotions other than exhaustion and overwhelmed, he seems to be related somehow.

Sometimes it feels as if I trusted him way too fast and gave him parts of me I would have never given someone else. Sometimes it feels as if I invested more than I ever meant to at this point in our relationship. Because when I look at him, I see the adoration and I see the desire, but I am not sure if I am the girl he wants to devote his life to being with.

Whenever he reminds me how many days it has been since we first talked, it feels like a slap in the face. In the moment, we are sharing a part of our lives with the other and I feel like I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. But when he says that, and when he says he doesn’t know what he wants, it scares me. I know what heartbreak feels like; I know how he must’ve felt when he got betrayed in his last relationship; I know what pain feels like; I know what it is to be scared to trust someone with your heart again. But his actions say he’s in this, with his whole heart, but when it comes down to is and he says the words that cut deep…I don’t know what to say or feel anymore.

I don’t want to pull away from him because he does not deserve that. I want to be there for him and continue to show him love is not always painful and full of betrayal or drama. I want to show him that someone can love with unconditionally. I want to show him that he deserves the love like in the fairytale books. I want to show him that love can be ‘forever and always’.

But I don’t know if he’s ready.
I have a lot on my plate and he’s been insanely understanding and thoughtful. But at the same time, I feel as if I don’t have time for him at the moment. He’s still trying to learn of the person I am. I am still trying to learn everything about who he is. But when that is intertwined with events in which I need someone who absolutely knows me, it’s exhausting. I don’t know what to do because we both feel as if we’ve known each other for months, or even years, yet it’s only been 20 days? I’m putting too much on his shoulders but I don’t want to walk away and look elsewhere, possibly making him feel as if he did something wrong or as if he is not wanted anymore.

-goes back to sleep-

Sorry Not Sorry

Sorry Not Sorry

I am sorry I care about what other people think. I am sorry I grew up in an environment in which all that mattered was what other people thought. I am sorry that is how I was raised. I am sorry that is how I have become. I am sorry you have to deal with me.

I get worked up. I get emotional. I get bothered by people’s reactions. I get nervous to see what people think. Doesn’t everyone? Apparently not you.

I am sorry I got so worried when you sister fractured and broke her wrist that I felt nauseous enough to vomit. I am sorry I got worked up and annoyed when my sister gave me a weird look that told me she didn’t want me to go to the ER with you and your sister. I am sorry I got annoyed when you kept laughing off her injury as if it were a joke. I am sorry I yelled at you when my emotions built up. I am sorry I got sensitive. I am sorry I got hurt. I am sorry I was 100% myself.

I am sorry I am pleased to hear my sister likes you and is happy that I am happy. I am sorry that it bugs me when you cursed ten times more when you were around her students…her co-workers….her boyfriend….her! I am sorry that I talked to you about the cursing afterwards. I am sorry that I want my friends and family to like you.

I am sorry that it bugs me when I think you’re being rude to your mom. I am sorry that it sometimes feels as if you just want my body. I am sorry I got upset when you called me as if I were a dog. I am sorry I can’t simply laugh everything off. I am sorry I got ticked off when you didn’t let me study when I specifically told you I had a lot to do.

I am so sorry if all of this bothers you.

Oh, wait, I shouldn’t be apologizing…but, I still do.

Dubious

Narrow Window

Narrow Window

You were one of the very few people who intrigued me at work the first days I was there. I knew you were one of the “more experienced”, “more authorized”, or “more knowledgable” folk who have sticked around for some time. You had relationships with the others. You stuck with your group, the ones you knew, and kind of left the newbies (like me) to our own business.

You weren’t upset when asked a question, you never argued when told to help out one of the new recruits, but there was always something about your attitude that told me you had a disdain attitude about it. You were a little isolated at the same time you were connected with the other members of your “group”. It was interesting watching you interact with those who you had to call your co-workers.

When we started talking, something about opportunities I was handed led to pry a little to what could be of a relationship between you and me. Turned out you were taking one of my classes, needed help with a subject I had come to like during my first few years in school, and I could lend you a hand during a time you were struggling a little.

Today, you still intrigue me. There’s something deeper within your light-hearted attitude. There’s something darker within those nonchalant shrugs and half-chuckles.

Out of any of the new recruits you’ve seen come and go at work, I was one of the rare few you’ve ever really interacted with. Out of the hundreds of other students, other peers on campus, I was one of the people you felt like you could trust and build a friendship with. Within the hectic rush of the first several weeks of classes, you were the one person who made me feel as if I could slow down and take a deep breath. Within all the worries and stresses running through my tormented mind, something about you felt stable and slightly secure.

I don’t know if it’s chance or it’s what people call “fate” that we met during the times that we did. I met you right after I got more stable with my own life and what my goals are for the next year or two. You met me right before you made a huge change in course to your plans and your future. We crossed paths at seemingly a very narrow window where both our lives overlapped in the sense that we were changing our lives.

I don’t know if this friendship is going to last, but it’s not a friendship made by coincidence but was made with purpose. It may be a purpose unknown to both of us, but a purpose hides behind the curtains.

Coincidence