Leave? or Stay?

Leave? or Stay?

When does one person decide to leave a situation in which they are unhappy, or how does a person decide what they have is worth holding onto and fighting for despite all the pain and frustration it has and will cause them? When do they draw the line, or how do they decide it’s not quite yet the time?

Because if you stay… Are you holding onto the potential of fixing the present for a better future, or are you holding onto the past and refusing to let go of the present because of those memories you hold dear? Are you staying because you truly, in your heart, want to stay and hope for a better tomorrow, or are you staying for someone else’s smile being able to potentially last longer?

And if you leave… Are you leaving because you know you deserve better and will actively better yourself for what’s yet to come, or are you trying to escape a part of yourself that you are too scared to try to fix? Are you walking away from someone who doesn’t see a part of who you are, or are you walking away from someone who is a reflection of what stares you in the eye every time you look in the mirror?

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I’m Alive! – Change

I’m Alive! – Change

It’s interesting: when you look into the future you don’t automatically realize how much could potentially change in your life within the next few months, but when you look back at the last few months that change is suddenly very apparent. That’s where I am right now. That’s where a lot of us are, probably.

In the last few months I’ve been vacant from my blogs (as my prewritten posts have been publishing on my main account), a lot has changed. And though I would have never asked for most of the things that has happened months ago, I am very grateful for everything that is currently in my life. I am so very happy with the people who are close with me. I am excited to meet and create new relationships with new coworkers in the near future. I am extremely excited for and grateful for the opportunities that I have in front of me. It’s been a challenging few months but I am grateful nonetheless.

But all of this also means, a lot of change is still happening. I have new opportunities before me. I have new challenges that await me. I have new obstacles eyeing me at the end of the tunnel that I can already see. And all of this reminds me that change will always be happening.

A few months from now, I will look back and realize how different my life will have had to become to adjust to all the challenges and obstacles I must face. And every few months to come, the same thing will happen. That’s just what happens in life. Change is this never ending cycle that we will never successfully hit pause on. Change will always come. Change is inevitable.

Wait for Me

Wait for Me

Let me be honest with you guys

I am writing. I am writing a lot. I am writing my heart out onto pages and pages in books, on my drive, in my sketchbook, on scratch paper, everywhere. I am writing. I am writing because it has been a part of who I am for many, many years.

Just because I do not post and do not publish, it does not mean it is no longer a part of who I am. Writing will always be a part of who I am. Writing is a part of my heart.

I want to get that clear.

And to those of you who are following my blog(s), I will be back. In a few months, I will be back with stories to tell. I will be back to open my heart to the world once more. I will be back to all of you, one day. I hope you will wait for me until I return, more ready than I feel today.

That is all I will say.

My Goodbye, For Now

My Goodbye, For Now

I’ve had this blog since June 2013. Wow, it’s been over five years since I published the first post here. It’s been eight years since I started writing, seven years since I started acknowledging my writing as a part of myself.

But, really, what does it do? You get lost in your own words. You hear your own pathetic thoughts. You listen to the echo of your lost heart trying to swim at bay. What for?

It’s time for me to revert things back to the way things used to be, with me. No longer will have you have an easy sneak peak within me. You want to know me? Figure it out. If anything, you have five years worth of my writing to go off of. But, keep in mind, the past and the present are not the same nor are the past and the future any further apart.

Walk Away

Walk Away

There comes parts of your life where you realize you have to let go of what you have to grasp the new beginnings of the future. It’s not that you aren’t grateful for what you currently have. It’s not that you don’t cherish what your life entails. It’s that you have a realization that you have to allow yourself to grow more, learn me, and explore more of the world that surrounds you. I think that’s where I am today.

During the past two years, I’ve truly appreciated everyone who had come into my life and made a positive influence to my future. I had found comfort in a foreign environment and I found my part in such a small community. I learned a lot about myself during the past couple years. I think I’ve found more of myself than I’ve expected to find out here. I am a better person for it.

I’ve made wonderful friends who genuinely care for me in their hearts. I’ve found special connections with those who are both still in my life and those who have gone their separate ways. If you have seen my post on Yin and Yang Falling Together titled, “…genuinely sweet…” , a part of what Ace* used to tell me stays in the back of my mind despite the lack of his appearance in my life. I admire the man he had grown up to be, and I wish him the best with the best parts of me. And I have a few friends like him who I care for truly but know we have to go our separate ways. I know we all met for some reason, but that doesn’t mean we were meant to stay.

Those that are around me currently, who have come from my “changed” life, are those I do care about. I want the best for them. And I hope they find everything they’re looking for, and some more. But the reappearance of some close souls have made me realized I hadn’t been holding anyone close to heart anymore.

I admit these past two years have given me time and allowed me to not only grow but heal. There had been multiple breaking points I encountered just during this short period of time. And I am grateful for everything I have here. But I know it’s time to go. It’s time for change.

Seeing old relationships back in my life, spending time with them almost heart-to-heart, had made me realize how much I’ve been isolating myself from the world around me. Even though I am there and present, my heart had always been closed and my mind was never truly there but elsewhere, somewhere in the skies. I know, I have known in the back of my mind, I do not belong somewhere I cannot fully invest myself in. If my heart isn’t there, if I am not one-hundred percent invested, what is the point of pretending that I am there?

I have come to a point in my life where I am given a chance to walk forward and, technically, walk away. And I have to be true to myself. I cannot hide the truth that I already know is true. It’s time for me to walk away.

Your Potential Future

Your Potential Future

Things are settling down, but the tension remains strong. The happy moments are there, but you can’t ignore the storm. Everything you wanted, everything you wished for is there for you to grab but remember that sometimes you have to walk away from the things you once had.

Life is all about the constant trades we make. Trading your time gaming for some more time studying. Trading your free moments with friends for the comforts of home. Trade your shaky relationship for a new potential in your life. Trade this city for the next set of unread stories. Trade one passion for another raging, burning fire. Trade the toxic familiarity for a brand new start towards something new. Trade an old habit for a new learned skill. Trade the old life for one that can become everything you ever dreamed.

It’ll be hard to let go. Once we’re comfortable, we usually don’t want to leave that behind. But when you look around you and can’t help but feel burdened and tired, maybe it’s time to learn.

Our futures are composed of infinite roads and paths we have the choice to take. Whether you believe that our lives are mapped out by destiny or written with the pen that lays in the palm of our hands, the decisions we take today lead us one step closer to where we will ultimately end up. It doesn’t matter if you turn left or right, turn around to history or dream of the future, you will arrive to a place in your life that you couldn’t have ever imagined.

A friend once said, “The mystery is half the fun.”

How Are You Doing?

How Are You Doing?

Everyone walks around and asks each other how they’ve been since the last time they met, starts conversation about some vague topic that comes to mind, and then parts ways feeling as if they either wasted time or found more of a bounce in their step. Your coworkers will ask how life outside of work is, and you’ll answer with some ambiguous one liner. Your classmates will ask how your other classes are, and you’ll answer with some half-hazy description with a nervous chuckle. Everyone asks and there are people who wish to care but, in reality, the generalized answers and questionable comebacks are our ways to indefinitely give an undetermined response. Because, really, no one knows how they are truly doing.

We walk around in our little atmospheres only ever defining success or happiness when looking at the comparison of someone else’s life against our own. But since there is no true value in reflecting against something that doesn’t even match our circumstances, the answer to that one simple question remains undefined.

How are you? How are you doing? How is life? How are things?

Truthfully, the answer is, “I don’t know.”

My dad is weakened by his health yet takes on the burden’s of the world onto his shoulders as he stresses about how to pay the bills with where the cash is flowing. My mom is constantly straining herself to find a third job to pay the bills while boring herself at a desk job she is overqualified for – just not on paper. My older sister is awaiting a response from the dozens of medical schools she applied to while working full-time and managing to finish a two year program in one.

My dad has his health. I have mine. We both struggle daily to get through the days with the constant pain we have found ourselves burdened with. Some days it’s near impossible to get out of bed, or do anything other than sit still at our desk. But it’s hard to say anything.

Driving is an issue because of my health. Being in late night classes is an issue with my health. Working more hours isn’t possible with my health. Do you know how frustrating it all is?

You tell me, how am I doing?

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