My Goodbye, For Now

My Goodbye, For Now

I’ve had this blog since June 2013. Wow, it’s been over five years since I published the first post here. It’s been eight years since I started writing, seven years since I started acknowledging my writing as a part of myself.

But, really, what does it do? You get lost in your own words. You hear your own pathetic thoughts. You listen to the echo of your lost heart trying to swim at bay. What for?

It’s time for me to revert things back to the way things used to be, with me. No longer will have you have an easy sneak peak within me. You want to know me? Figure it out. If anything, you have five years worth of my writing to go off of. But, keep in mind, the past and the present are not the same nor are the past and the future any further apart.

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Your Potential Future

Your Potential Future

Things are settling down, but the tension remains strong. The happy moments are there, but you can’t ignore the storm. Everything you wanted, everything you wished for is there for you to grab but remember that sometimes you have to walk away from the things you once had.

Life is all about the constant trades we make. Trading your time gaming for some more time studying. Trading your free moments with friends for the comforts of home. Trade your shaky relationship for a new potential in your life. Trade this city for the next set of unread stories. Trade one passion for another raging, burning fire. Trade the toxic familiarity for a brand new start towards something new. Trade an old habit for a new learned skill. Trade the old life for one that can become everything you ever dreamed.

It’ll be hard to let go. Once we’re comfortable, we usually don’t want to leave that behind. But when you look around you and can’t help but feel burdened and tired, maybe it’s time to learn.

Our futures are composed of infinite roads and paths we have the choice to take. Whether you believe that our lives are mapped out by destiny or written with the pen that lays in the palm of our hands, the decisions we take today lead us one step closer to where we will ultimately end up. It doesn’t matter if you turn left or right, turn around to history or dream of the future, you will arrive to a place in your life that you couldn’t have ever imagined.

A friend once said, “The mystery is half the fun.”

How Are You Doing?

How Are You Doing?

Everyone walks around and asks each other how they’ve been since the last time they met, starts conversation about some vague topic that comes to mind, and then parts ways feeling as if they either wasted time or found more of a bounce in their step. Your coworkers will ask how life outside of work is, and you’ll answer with some ambiguous one liner. Your classmates will ask how your other classes are, and you’ll answer with some half-hazy description with a nervous chuckle. Everyone asks and there are people who wish to care but, in reality, the generalized answers and questionable comebacks are our ways to indefinitely give an undetermined response. Because, really, no one knows how they are truly doing.

We walk around in our little atmospheres only ever defining success or happiness when looking at the comparison of someone else’s life against our own. But since there is no true value in reflecting against something that doesn’t even match our circumstances, the answer to that one simple question remains undefined.

How are you? How are you doing? How is life? How are things?

Truthfully, the answer is, “I don’t know.”

My dad is weakened by his health yet takes on the burden’s of the world onto his shoulders as he stresses about how to pay the bills with where the cash is flowing. My mom is constantly straining herself to find a third job to pay the bills while boring herself at a desk job she is overqualified for – just not on paper. My older sister is awaiting a response from the dozens of medical schools she applied to while working full-time and managing to finish a two year program in one.

My dad has his health. I have mine. We both struggle daily to get through the days with the constant pain we have found ourselves burdened with. Some days it’s near impossible to get out of bed, or do anything other than sit still at our desk. But it’s hard to say anything.

Driving is an issue because of my health. Being in late night classes is an issue with my health. Working more hours isn’t possible with my health. Do you know how frustrating it all is?

You tell me, how am I doing?

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So Much Has Changed

So Much Has Changed

It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s not that I don’t remember all the moments we shared together. It’s not that I cloak my confidence in worry and stress.

I learned to live without you. For years, my friend was out of reach and there was nothing either of us could do to change the past. I don’t blame you. Actually, I am grateful that you don’t blame me. But we both know we have to walk forward and figure out where things stand here and now, not reminisce in where things used to be.

My heart skipped the first time I saw you after a couple years of basically silence – worse than silence. I didn’t know what to expect. I honestly prepared myself mentally to be hit by a tsunami of the past. I was ready to feel the pain. But it never was like I thought it would go down.

You actually apologized for the year of torture. You apologized and took it upon yourself to apologize for how tormented I was. And, that itself, meant a lot more to me than the others could possibly know. I couldn’t thank you enough. Despite, I was silent that day.

Now, it’s been a while since we both walked back into each other’s lives. But, really, I still don’t know where you stand with me. I still can’t give you an answer to that question you had asked. “You meant a lot to me, maybe you still do. Maybe you don’t at all, or somewhere in between. I don’t know…” I had told you that first night. I didn’t expect you to have an answer either. But the discomfort in this unknown makes me ponder.

I see you standing there, as a person I used to want to share the world with. But we can’t deny how much things have changed, how much we have changed as individuals.

I see you standing there, but I can’t disregard everything else I have going on. The chance and need of losing the house I’ve called ‘home’ for the past eight years. The stress and worry my parents are going through, and trying to hide from me. The sickness in health I deal with on the daily, and the distress the pain my dad goes through each and every day. The campus I’m about to leave, and the one I’m about to enter. The nervousness and the excitement in “starting over”. So forth.

It’s not that I don’t care about you anymore. It’s not that I don’t wish you the best. It’s not that I don’t want to share life with you and have you in my life still.

It’s that neither of us know where we stand, and neither of us have much more room on our plates to spend too much time figuring it out.

I apologized for how preoccupied I am. I apologized for how much I’ve changed. But I refuse to apologize for how much I’ve grown during the past couple years without you here.

For years, I have held this pent up rage. For years, pain have been shoved into a pit I thought was bottomless. I was wrong.

Seeing her in so much pain, reminded me of my own. Feeling all that hurt in the room, uncovered the old wounds that never healed.

I wanted to scream. I wanted to punch something. I wanted to let it all out. But I didn’t dare. Because, what happens when I let the tsunami through? What will be left of me then?

I guess I need a new pit.

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Two Years Ago Replayed

Two Years Ago Replayed

Around this time, two years ago, I was in the same position I am facing today. Two years ago, my heart raced at the thought of college. Two years ago, I had no clue what would become of my life during fall. Two years ago, I was checking multiple websites for any sign that my life was going to change for the better. Two years ago, I dealt with sleepless nights as I rolled around in bed terrified of what will I discover in the mail the next day.

Two years ago, I faced the decision that changed my life. Today, I face the uncertainty of the future that laid in the palms of my hands. Today, at the same time that I can’t imagine how much has changed, I can’t believe how similar my future seems.

Two years ago, I was counting down the days until April and May. I even looked at the hours on the clock as I waited for spring to near its end. I was a restless little girl waiting to see what would become of her future. Today, I am counting down the days until April and May. I am finding myself crossing off each day in my calendar is only making me more and more nervous as the big day comes closer. I am a wreck trying to keep it together as someone out there is deciding what will be the next few years of my life.

What will become of my life? What is going to change with my family? What is going to change around me? How many things are there to organize? How many uncertainties will finally become clear? What will become of the person I am today as I continue to grow up and become the woman I’m meant to be?

What is going to happen to…everything that I know?

Do you know?