Leave? or Stay?

Leave? or Stay?

When does one person decide to leave a situation in which they are unhappy, or how does a person decide what they have is worth holding onto and fighting for despite all the pain and frustration it has and will cause them? When do they draw the line, or how do they decide it’s not quite yet the time?

Because if you stay… Are you holding onto the potential of fixing the present for a better future, or are you holding onto the past and refusing to let go of the present because of those memories you hold dear? Are you staying because you truly, in your heart, want to stay and hope for a better tomorrow, or are you staying for someone else’s smile being able to potentially last longer?

And if you leave… Are you leaving because you know you deserve better and will actively better yourself for what’s yet to come, or are you trying to escape a part of yourself that you are too scared to try to fix? Are you walking away from someone who doesn’t see a part of who you are, or are you walking away from someone who is a reflection of what stares you in the eye every time you look in the mirror?

I’m Alive! – Change

I’m Alive! – Change

It’s interesting: when you look into the future you don’t automatically realize how much could potentially change in your life within the next few months, but when you look back at the last few months that change is suddenly very apparent. That’s where I am right now. That’s where a lot of us are, probably.

In the last few months I’ve been vacant from my blogs (as my prewritten posts have been publishing on my main account), a lot has changed. And though I would have never asked for most of the things that has happened months ago, I am very grateful for everything that is currently in my life. I am so very happy with the people who are close with me. I am excited to meet and create new relationships with new coworkers in the near future. I am extremely excited for and grateful for the opportunities that I have in front of me. It’s been a challenging few months but I am grateful nonetheless.

But all of this also means, a lot of change is still happening. I have new opportunities before me. I have new challenges that await me. I have new obstacles eyeing me at the end of the tunnel that I can already see. And all of this reminds me that change will always be happening.

A few months from now, I will look back and realize how different my life will have had to become to adjust to all the challenges and obstacles I must face. And every few months to come, the same thing will happen. That’s just what happens in life. Change is this never ending cycle that we will never successfully hit pause on. Change will always come. Change is inevitable.

Just Like That

Just Like That

Will you ruin my favorite songs if it all goes bad

A friend tells me, I always jump all in when I find someone I get along with. I always go in for the long run when I find someone that fits me. I always am all or nothing when it comes to relationships or, really, anything new.

Is this gonna end with champagne or an empty whiskey glass

I can already feel myself reaching out for his hand when we walk side by side down the street. I can already feel myself leaning back against his chest when he stands close behind me.

You lead and I’ll follow along
Let it be whatever you want
I got a feeling this is right We can sleep it on tonight

But what ruins the fun about the present is overthinking what is going to happen in the future. People overthinking, over-analyze, and over-stress over things that they already know are out of their hands. So why stress? So why worry? So why do anything more than just enjoy this time, our time, and have our fun?

When you love at first sight was it’s just nothing
Yeah Oh will we be lovers or enemies
Or maybe somewhere in between

We will not be able to guess where we will end up in the future. If we jump all in, we won’t be able to say if it will work out and we will still be together five years down the road. But if we don’t give it a real chance at tomorrow, won’t we always be wondering “what if” we had given it all we could?

It’ll be what it’s gonna be when we both look back
Are we making my favorite memories or the reason I can’t fall asleep

I don’t know where life is going to lead us to. I don’t know what five years down the road looks like from here. I don’t know what next week looks like for me. But I will give my time to someone who is willing to give their time to me. I will give my time to him if he gives his time to me.

Will you ruin my favorite songs if it all goes bad
Is this gonna end with champagne or an empty whiskey glass

And, with that, we will see where the world leads us.

**Empty Whiskey Glass by Rajiv Dhall lyrics ❤

 

My Goodbye, For Now

My Goodbye, For Now

I’ve had this blog since June 2013. Wow, it’s been over five years since I published the first post here. It’s been eight years since I started writing, seven years since I started acknowledging my writing as a part of myself.

But, really, what does it do? You get lost in your own words. You hear your own pathetic thoughts. You listen to the echo of your lost heart trying to swim at bay. What for?

It’s time for me to revert things back to the way things used to be, with me. No longer will have you have an easy sneak peak within me. You want to know me? Figure it out. If anything, you have five years worth of my writing to go off of. But, keep in mind, the past and the present are not the same nor are the past and the future any further apart.

Your Potential Future

Your Potential Future

Things are settling down, but the tension remains strong. The happy moments are there, but you can’t ignore the storm. Everything you wanted, everything you wished for is there for you to grab but remember that sometimes you have to walk away from the things you once had.

Life is all about the constant trades we make. Trading your time gaming for some more time studying. Trading your free moments with friends for the comforts of home. Trade your shaky relationship for a new potential in your life. Trade this city for the next set of unread stories. Trade one passion for another raging, burning fire. Trade the toxic familiarity for a brand new start towards something new. Trade an old habit for a new learned skill. Trade the old life for one that can become everything you ever dreamed.

It’ll be hard to let go. Once we’re comfortable, we usually don’t want to leave that behind. But when you look around you and can’t help but feel burdened and tired, maybe it’s time to learn.

Our futures are composed of infinite roads and paths we have the choice to take. Whether you believe that our lives are mapped out by destiny or written with the pen that lays in the palm of our hands, the decisions we take today lead us one step closer to where we will ultimately end up. It doesn’t matter if you turn left or right, turn around to history or dream of the future, you will arrive to a place in your life that you couldn’t have ever imagined.

A friend once said, “The mystery is half the fun.”

How Are You Doing?

How Are You Doing?

Everyone walks around and asks each other how they’ve been since the last time they met, starts conversation about some vague topic that comes to mind, and then parts ways feeling as if they either wasted time or found more of a bounce in their step. Your coworkers will ask how life outside of work is, and you’ll answer with some ambiguous one liner. Your classmates will ask how your other classes are, and you’ll answer with some half-hazy description with a nervous chuckle. Everyone asks and there are people who wish to care but, in reality, the generalized answers and questionable comebacks are our ways to indefinitely give an undetermined response. Because, really, no one knows how they are truly doing.

We walk around in our little atmospheres only ever defining success or happiness when looking at the comparison of someone else’s life against our own. But since there is no true value in reflecting against something that doesn’t even match our circumstances, the answer to that one simple question remains undefined.

How are you? How are you doing? How is life? How are things?

Truthfully, the answer is, “I don’t know.”

My dad is weakened by his health yet takes on the burden’s of the world onto his shoulders as he stresses about how to pay the bills with where the cash is flowing. My mom is constantly straining herself to find a third job to pay the bills while boring herself at a desk job she is overqualified for – just not on paper. My older sister is awaiting a response from the dozens of medical schools she applied to while working full-time and managing to finish a two year program in one.

My dad has his health. I have mine. We both struggle daily to get through the days with the constant pain we have found ourselves burdened with. Some days it’s near impossible to get out of bed, or do anything other than sit still at our desk. But it’s hard to say anything.

Driving is an issue because of my health. Being in late night classes is an issue with my health. Working more hours isn’t possible with my health. Do you know how frustrating it all is?

You tell me, how am I doing?

Bubble

So Much Has Changed

So Much Has Changed

It’s not that I don’t care about you. It’s not that I don’t remember all the moments we shared together. It’s not that I cloak my confidence in worry and stress.

I learned to live without you. For years, my friend was out of reach and there was nothing either of us could do to change the past. I don’t blame you. Actually, I am grateful that you don’t blame me. But we both know we have to walk forward and figure out where things stand here and now, not reminisce in where things used to be.

My heart skipped the first time I saw you after a couple years of basically silence – worse than silence. I didn’t know what to expect. I honestly prepared myself mentally to be hit by a tsunami of the past. I was ready to feel the pain. But it never was like I thought it would go down.

You actually apologized for the year of torture. You apologized and took it upon yourself to apologize for how tormented I was. And, that itself, meant a lot more to me than the others could possibly know. I couldn’t thank you enough. Despite, I was silent that day.

Now, it’s been a while since we both walked back into each other’s lives. But, really, I still don’t know where you stand with me. I still can’t give you an answer to that question you had asked. “You meant a lot to me, maybe you still do. Maybe you don’t at all, or somewhere in between. I don’t know…” I had told you that first night. I didn’t expect you to have an answer either. But the discomfort in this unknown makes me ponder.

I see you standing there, as a person I used to want to share the world with. But we can’t deny how much things have changed, how much we have changed as individuals.

I see you standing there, but I can’t disregard everything else I have going on. The chance and need of losing the house I’ve called ‘home’ for the past eight years. The stress and worry my parents are going through, and trying to hide from me. The sickness in health I deal with on the daily, and the distress the pain my dad goes through each and every day. The campus I’m about to leave, and the one I’m about to enter. The nervousness and the excitement in “starting over”. So forth.

It’s not that I don’t care about you anymore. It’s not that I don’t wish you the best. It’s not that I don’t want to share life with you and have you in my life still.

It’s that neither of us know where we stand, and neither of us have much more room on our plates to spend too much time figuring it out.

I apologized for how preoccupied I am. I apologized for how much I’ve changed. But I refuse to apologize for how much I’ve grown during the past couple years without you here.