My heart skipped a beat when my eyes laid on you.
My brain screamed at me to run, to shut you out, to not let you through.
But we both know I’ve never stopped standing at the door.

Vague

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Two Years Ago Replayed

Two Years Ago Replayed

Around this time, two years ago, I was in the same position I am facing today. Two years ago, my heart raced at the thought of college. Two years ago, I had no clue what would become of my life during fall. Two years ago, I was checking multiple websites for any sign that my life was going to change for the better. Two years ago, I dealt with sleepless nights as I rolled around in bed terrified of what will I discover in the mail the next day.

Two years ago, I faced the decision that changed my life. Today, I face the uncertainty of the future that laid in the palms of my hands. Today, at the same time that I can’t imagine how much has changed, I can’t believe how similar my future seems.

Two years ago, I was counting down the days until April and May. I even looked at the hours on the clock as I waited for spring to near its end. I was a restless little girl waiting to see what would become of her future. Today, I am counting down the days until April and May. I am finding myself crossing off each day in my calendar is only making me more and more nervous as the big day comes closer. I am a wreck trying to keep it together as someone out there is deciding what will be the next few years of my life.

What will become of my life? What is going to change with my family? What is going to change around me? How many things are there to organize? How many uncertainties will finally become clear? What will become of the person I am today as I continue to grow up and become the woman I’m meant to be?

What is going to happen to…everything that I know?

Do you know?

“That Girl”

“That Girl”

Growing up, I was always told of stories of young girls getting harassed by a friend, by a relative, by a stranger. You were always told to be on the lookout for these types of people. But you never thought, one day, you would be that girl.

The girl who is scared walking alone at night, even if just across a couple parking spaces with your friends just a few feet away walking to their car. The girl whose body is completely tense when she thinks she hears footsteps behind her but don’t know who it is yet. The girl who cant get her heart to come down or her mind to calm down when the sun sets and the night gets darker.

The girl who keeps her head on a swivel as she walks across campus, even though it’s still midday. The girl who jumps at any sudden hand on her body, even when it’s just her old friend’s hand on her shoulder as he walks up to her to say hi. The girl who doesn’t want to leave the house after dark anymore. The girl who still gets nightmares and visions of the day he grabbed her body.

The girl who is scared out of her mind.

I never thought I’d ever be that girl. That girl was just in the textbooks. That girl is only the girls who party. That girl is someone who is out in public a lot. That girl…is the girl I see when I look into the mirror and see me.

And you know what?

Fuck you. Fuck this world for making it such a scary place to be a woman. Fuck the boys who think they are obligated to our bodies. Fuck this world for making boys’ inappropriate behavior seem okay by saying “boys will be boys”. Fuck the ignorance people who think there’s any possibility that a woman would want to be treated like that. Fuck the stupidity that blinds one’s mind to think that kind of behavior is “manly” or is okay in any shape or form.

Fuck you. Fuck the person who says you’re making a big deal out of nothing. Fuck the person who shrugs off girls and woman getting harassed, assaulted, and raped as if it’s the next headline about the Kardashians. Fuck the person who makes you feel unsafe. Fuck the person who thinks any of this is okay.

Fuck you. Fuck the person who said, “she was asking for it”. Fuck the person who thinks a drunk girl is a consenting girl. Fuck the person who ever thinks to blame the girl. Fuck the person who made the girl feel like it was her fault.

She never thinks she’s going to be “that girl” one day. So, fuck you for making that ‘one day’ be reality. Fuck you.

Betrayed

Destiny?

Destiny?

You insist that everything should come naturally, that if you have to “work” at something maybe it’s not meant to be. I totally disagree.

Whether you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives or the career path we wish to take down the road, your perception has blurred your sight of reality.

My good friend is working her ass off towards a new career path. She is struggling and she is swimming frantically through the pool of sharks that is the roadblocks in her way, but she isn’t giving up. And that’s the most important part here. Success isn’t easy. Having that fairytale dream life you wanted ever since you were nine years old is nearly an impossible task. But if you’re going to tell me that you’re so scared to fail that the amount of work you need to put into your life makes you want to walk away, then walk away.

If you’re talking about the relationships we have in our lives, then you really need to wake up. One relationship with one friend has the potential to give you a headache, but also has the potential to give you everything you need. Yes, your schedules are going to clash. You both have your separate lives. You both are working hard towards your goals. You have to understand that time isn’t for free. But it’s the friendships that you work on that are the ones that turn out priceless. You have to be understanding. You have to be patient. And if you aren’t willing to do that for a good friend, then walk away.

You insist that things that are meant to be don’t need work? Wake up.

I don’t care what kind of prodigy you are; I don’t care what you have up your sleeves that make everything work for you; I don’t care what you think is written in the stars. If you aren’t willing to work hard in order to get what you want, then walk away.

If something means enough to you, it should not matter how much work you have to put into it to survive. If something means enough to you, you wouldn’t complain about the work you have to put in. If something means enough to you, you will work towards it; you will work towards your dreams.

And if you’re just wasting your time with something for the mere existence of something in your life, then walk away.

Don’t stand in front of the exit with a foot out the door. Don’t stand in front of that person and waste their time if you are not willing to treat them with the care and respect they deserve. Don’t insist that you are always right when, in reality, you need to wake up and realize how wrong you are.

Not everything is “written in the stars” but that doesn’t mean you can’t write it in yourself.

Insist

Your World Within

Your World Within

I just discovered Your World Within on Spotify. I just discovered their clip called Adjustments. I just listened to words that spoke to me.

And I realized, that is what I want to be able to do. I want to be able to inspire people. I want to be able to encourage people towards their own growth. I want to be able to connect to my audience. I want to be someone people could look to, look up to, and look over to.

I listened to his words and I couldn’t imaged better words to be spoken to me right now.

You see, I am still trying to figure out my class schedule at two community colleges while managing two jobs. My head was spinning when I discovered that I won’t be able to get into a class that is mandatory for transferring this cycle. But luckily my old professor is super understanding and is working to work something out with me.

When my head spins, I get overwhelmed with stress and anxiety. I get very restless and sick in my stomach. Sometimes I get physically sick if I let myself dwell in this state for too long. I always forget to calm down and breathe; and, even if I do, sometimes the weight on my chest never go away, making it impossible to really breathe.

But when I calmed down this morning, and then when I heard Your World Within’s words through Adjustments and Just Hold On and Almost, something clicked.

I take words to the heart automatically. This is can be very damaging as well as helpful, I know. But it helped this time.

I heard his words and couldn’t help but smile as I sit here in this little cornered-off desk in the school’s library. My pen stopped writing down notes for class. My mind went blank and all I could hear were the words he spoke through my earphones.

I know things are tough right now. It might feel impossible to get through the situation you’re in. But there is always a solution. It might not be the solution you planned for, or a solution you even want to consider. But there is always a solution.

I’ll leave the link to Your World Within here:

Your World Within

Give him a listen and see if his words speak to you as much as they did to me.

I’ve always believed that it’s one thing to tell yourself something but it’s another to hear someone else’s words towards you. It makes the biggest difference in my life.

No Longer Sorry

No Longer Sorry

I’m no longer going to apologize for knowing I deserve better. I’m no longer going to say sorry because you aren’t what I need. I’m no longer going to stay silent and repress my wants, my needs, and my feelings just so you can say everything’s okay.

Through the last many friendships, and the last couple relationships, I’ve learned a lot about what I need within my relations with others. I’ve learned about what I need. I’ve learned about what I need to walk away from. I’ve learned that I have a say.

I need someone to be supportive and encouraging. I need someone who is very observative. I need someone who is values deep conversations and emotional connections more than physical connections and lust or desire.

I need someone who is willing to be vulnerable. I need someone who will be 100% in the relationship, not someone who will put a foot out the door every time it gets scary.

I need someone I can be myself around, one hundred percent myself around. I need someone who I can be vulnerable with. I need someone who I don’t feel the need to hide from. I need someone who loves me for every piece of who I am.

I need someone I can have fun with. I need someone to engulf in careless days of joy with. I need someone I can be spontaneous with. I need someone who still sees the light in my eyes.

I need someone who thinks I’m beautiful, strong, intelligent. I need someone to push me to grow. I need someone to want the best for me. I need someone to experience life with. I need someone who wants to be there, in my life.

I need someone who tries to understand my pain, when I’m in pain. I need someone who tries to see why there are tears in my eyes, when I cry. I need someone who sees the reason behind my laughter, when I’m having a good time. I need someone who sees me, for everything that I am whether that be the mask I wear or the layers beneath. I need someone who loves me as I am but also encourages me to grow.

I need someone who is willing to be a part of something that will enhance growth. I need someone who is willing to listen to me and talk to me, honestly. I need someone who will be patient with me and understanding, and expect the same from me.

I need someone who is willing to get hurt because being here is worth the risk of a heartbreak at the end.

I need someone to make me feel full of life not an empty soul.

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